Of Seals and Uzumakis
by angelslaugh
Summary: A random seal in a random apartment, an Uzumaki with ADHD with a history textbook and a demon, and a potential for far more power than she should have equals disaster... Right? No pairing yet. Godlike!Fem!Naruto.
1. Uzumaki Mito

Naruto didn't really like the Academy. It was boring, it didn't really have much of a curriculum, and it was again just plain boring.

She'd much prefer learning about history the way it actually happened. Being at the time of history happening... Now, __that__ would be cool.

She flicked through her textbook randomly. She could read important names. Kura-kun helped her do that.

Unknown to her, though, that a design painted on her wall was actually a seal. This seal had been washed off upon someone vandalizing it, but this seal was important in the way that it was a remnant of the past. Uzumakis went to visit the mistakes of the past using that seal, trying to find a way to recreate the future so it could be better. It could also give the user the abilities of the one seen in the past, though most didn't use it.

That was pretty much useless now. Or it should have been, with most of the Uzumakis deceased and gone.

Though it had been washed off, since many had lived in the apartment that Naruto did, it was a source that could be used however many times that it was needed.

Naruto spoke the first name out loud that pretty much screwed up what was going to be expected of her.

"Uzumaki Mito."

A spell of dizziness struck her.

~:~

When Naruto opened her eyes, she was startled to see that everything around her was different. Everything was older.

And she was a redhead. This woman put her hair up, and Naruto was surprised to see how old she was.

 _ _And how are you today, Kyuubi?__

 ** **Worthless ningen, I'll rip you to pieces for this indignity!****

Mito sighed. Naruto knew it was Mito. She __knew.__ There couldn't be anyone else.

 _ _I shall take that as you saying you're fine.__ Mito moved around in her room, dressing in clothes and moving to a sealing book and refreshing her memory.

Naruto was surprised to find that she could read the descriptions of the seals perfectly fine. She read them over and over, committing them to her memory. She may have been stuck in Lady Mito's mind for now, but there was no reason to not learn something that was the Uzumaki legacy.

Lady Mito, she knew, was far older than the Shodai at this point in time, and the Shodai was long dead, as was Tobirama (possibly) and Madara.

Perhaps she would be able to see Sandaime-jiji in his youth!

Mito did her daily activities, smiling and pretending everything was all right in her world. Greeting a fellow Uzumaki - _ _Uzumaki Kushina__ \- and a young blonde near her - __Namikaze Minato__ \- and a few others here and there. Kids, adults... Lady Mito was revered. Mito even had grandchild, Tsunade, who she visited, but who looked sad. Too sad.

And yet.

Naruto, in all her childish curiosity, wondered why Mito wasn't being hated for holding the Kyuubi.

Her question was soon answered.

"I think we should do it tonight, Saru-kun," the elderly Mito said to her brother-in-law's pupil, the Sandaime Hokage.

"Should we tell Kushina?"

"She is the only other one we could tell, as she is the only one who knows, Saru."

~:~

Naruto could feel the pain of having the Kyuubi extracted. By the kamis, it __hurt.__ The child was pulled out after it, after Mito was dead, and was back in her kitchen, sobbing and trying not to scream. It was terrifying, having the Kyuubi taken out. He'd been blinded by rage and anger and hadn't realized until he'd been put into Kushina that it had actually happened.

But Naruto sucked it up and wrote down the things she'd seen in a small book she'd been saving to write her great shinobi adventures in. Her Sexy no Jutsu was, of course, incomplete, so she moved her newfound knowledge to several blank pages after the current end of the jutsu. The small journal could have additional pages added to it later, but Naruto first had to master her Oiroke no Jutsu for it to be mildly effective.

Naruto finished with the extraction and found the simplest place no elite jounin or ANBU would think to look for things important. Under her pillow.

After all, what kind of genin had life-changing experiences so early?


	2. Senju Hashirama

Naruto didn't really realize much was different. She found her mind wandering less, paying more attention to the text, and being far more quieter in class.

Feeling that sort of pain that could give anyone nightmares was hardly something one dwelled upon, but Naruto realized that __something__ had stuck with her when she'd left Mito's mind.

She could read. She could __actually read,__ and it was tremendous help. She was able to finish her Sexy no Jutsu in a couple more weeks with the more advanced copy of __Anatomy of the Body,__ giving her far more free time.

But she was suddenly restless, and she kind of wanted to see what another person's life was like. If she couldn't visit the living, then she would have to make do with the Shodai.

But there was something she was missing. She didn't want to see how she died - Kyuu had made that clear.

So, focusing on the Shodai's early life about five weeks after the first attempt with Mito, Naruto sat in her kitchen, a blank sheet she was supposed to do a report on in front of her with her journal.

Kurama had found out, which made him cling onto her mind like a parasite. He was very interested in seeing the Shodai's early life, if it were possible.

"Senju Hashirama."

Like last time, dizziness made the room spin. But it was longer this time. And just as Naruto felt like throwing up her ramen (not a good idea), she blacked out.

~:~

She felt Kurama with her when she returned to consciousness, but this time it was at a funeral

"He was only __seven!"__ she heard a child cry out.

"Enough, Hashirama."

"But -"

A man loomed over Hashirama.

And struck him.

Hashirama fell onto the ground.

Naruto realized that she'd signed up for watching his entire life. His ENTIRE life.

 ** **...We're in trouble.****

Naruto sent agreement to him.

~:~

Naruto landed back in her apartment, this time far less of a child.

Even watching his life had been painful. She had suffered with him Madara's betrayal.

But she simply did what she had last time, this time less child and more adult. She knew the consequences. She knew a lot about Hashirama and his side.

Perhaps in a year she would do Madara's side.

For now, she would have to focus on learning other things. Academy-level things.

Her mouth quirked a bit as she realized she now knew what sex was. And found herself realizing that the Shodai Hokage had always been in love with both Mito and Madara.

But he'd sided with Mito because he had loved her enough. Had sided with Konoha because it was his home.

Nomadic or not, the Senju and Uchiha had always been a bit at odds.

Using this, Madara had poisoned some of the minds of the Uchiha, and it had grown.


	3. A Subtle Threat

Naruto saw the signs. She noticed the police force district, right next to the Uchiha district, and was one of the first to go directly to Iruka-sensei to sign up for the tour of it.

Even if people hated her here because they knew what she held, she couldn't help but feel like the Uchiha were being pushed away.

Whatever peculiar power she had to see this, it was a result of seeing it through the Shodai's eyes. To her, years had passed in a literal minute. She could craft seals easily, construct an Uzumaki prison from nothing but willpower in the air if she tried.

She could do a lot of things now. And it was because she had seen, felt, heard, and __been__ Senju Hashirama, and listened to Mito, understood Tobirama.

She felt a bit connected to Hashirama.

She couldn't explain it.

She entered the police station alongside her classmates, doing her best to remain inconspicuous. But it really was a great place, if you didn't count the forced smiles on the Uchiha faces.

(Hashirama had been good at being a diplomat. He could insult anyone with prettily spoken words and they would be so happy at the 'compliment' they would sign the treaty, only to be extremely angry later on when they realized that it had been an insult, not a compliment. Hashirama had wanted to laugh at their faces when the Hyuuga realized it moments after the ceremony! He was also good at telling the emotions of other people. Still, Naruto remained stubborn at saying the coolest thing he'd created with his power was that cool forest that Naruto had yet to find in the present.)

She discreetly scrutinized the Uchiha and noticed that they only relaxed when they actually had a mission from the Hokage himself. Unless it was a menial chore; then their faces tightened in anger.

She spied a restroom, and like the other girls, walked into it. The only thing was, the girls in the class, excluding Hinata, used their combined weight to slam Naruto's head into the toliet and made her see stars. She nearly passed out when they flushed it, and Sakura even went an extra mile to slam her head extra hard into the wall of the cubicle,cracking it minutely.

The girls tittered, did their business, and left.

Naruto got up rather unsteadily and walked out to see her class no longer there, only a couple of police officers with the symbol of Uchiha Police on them.

And, since she still __was__ a child, Naruto burst into tears.

~:~

Uchiha Fugaku glared at the officer standing in front of his desk.

"I don't give a damn," he spat. "The Hokage keeps denying every single Uchiha shinobi's request! What else can we do?!"

A young woman, a non-Uchiha, but one of the best civilian officers the Uchiha had ever had, popped her head around the chief's door.

"Uchiha-sama, there's a kid that's been really beat up out here," the woman said.

Fugaku gave a grunt. "So send her with her class."

The woman sighed. "Her class left her. Sir, she says her name's Uzukami Naruko, if that helps?"

Fugaku frowned.

"I think she meant to say 'Uzumaki Naruto', Uchiha-sama. She's been beat up pretty badly, and I think she has a concussion."

Fugaku sighed heavily.

"Let her in." The officer nodded, and withdrew. Fugaku scowled at the other Uchiha, who looked positively enlightened. "What?"

"We could get a few good words in with the Hokage. The gaki is good friends with him."

Fugaku frowned. "Subject's closed," he said firmly.

The officer drew in Naruto, who was teary eyed but alert.

"Gaki, are you alright?"

"Kyuu hates your guts." There was a sudden pause. "But he says that you should know he really doesn't want to be the result of a clan being eliminated because of Madara's whispers."

Fugaku frowned at the kid. "Gaki -"

"What makes you so superior to other ninja? The fact that you have a doujutsu? Yuuhi Kurenai has something that could be considered a doujutsu. The Hyuuga have sticks up their butts, so they're not being hated because their only doujutsu is locked up, and that makes it certain that their doujutsu isn't stolen." The bright blue-eyed container of the bijuu that had attacked Konoha tilted her head. "If you want me to ask around to make sure an entire annihilation of a clan doesn't happen, then sure. I can do that. But don't try to go against the Hokage."

"Oh? And if we did?"

Naruto smiled at him chillingly. "Then the blunt kunai will attack with the viciousness of a sharp one."

A subtle threat.

The bijuu container walked out.

Unknown to any of them, Uchiha Shisui and Uchiha Itachi exchanged surprised glances.


	4. Smarter than Everyone But The Nara

"Hey, Nara-san. Can I tell you something?"

Shikamaru turned to his whispering partner.

Naruto looked at him, her expressive eyes sparkling.

"What?" he asked lazily.

"I heard that the Uchiha district is so far from the main section of Konoha, you can't hear any annoying sounds, unlike from the Nara buildings. Somewhere where cloud-watching is peaceful."

Shikamaru eyed her for a moment.

"Really?" he asked, still lazily.

Naruto beamed. "Not lying."

Then, as class ended, Naruto hopped onto her desk.

"STUDY GROUP AT SASUKE-KUN'S HOUSE!"

Cheers from the entire room spilled out of the classroom.

~:~

When Uchiha Fugaku entered his home, it was to see civilian and clan kids in a study group. Well, no Nara, but Fugaku had noticed a head of hair sprouting from the roof, which meant that he was cloud-watching from up there.

Sasuke looked absolutely helpless against the onslaught.

But he didn't see the Uzumaki brat.

"Hey, Fugaku!" Mikoto greeted kindly.

"Where's the Uzumaki gaki?"

"I disinvited her," Sasuke said, coming into the kitchen. "She's such a dobe."

Fugaku suppressed a smirk.

Looks like she was the smartest aside from the Nara.


	5. Uzumaki Kazama

Naruto thought of Uchiha Madara.

 ** **You have no idea what forces you'll have at your fingertips if you do this**** _ _,__ Kurama warned her.

Yes, Naruto was thinking of entering Madara's life. But she felt unprepared mentally, so she sighed and thought of someone else.

Anyone else with a significant impact on Konoha.

 ** **Uzumaki Kazama. Good leader of the Uzumaki. He's the one that made the treaty.**** Kurama's input was helpful.

She nodded to herself, and she felt Kurama join her.

She hesitated, wondering what kind of lifespan this Uzumaki Kazama had, but said his name anyway and focused on the treaty Kurama had spoken about.

"Uzumaki Kazama."

~:~

Uzumaki Kazama was well experienced in the use of seals. His power had made the growth of his clan powerful, and he could sense when something was there that wasn't supposed to be.

His eyebrow twitched. __How long are you two going to be silent spectators?__

 ** **I told you he was wise.****

 ** **You said he made the treaty. Not that he was wise.****

 _ _Great. How did you get here?__

 ** **Your mind-latching space-time seal.**** The first voice sounded a bit unhappy. ****How old are you?****

 _ _Forty-two.__

 ** **...I hate my life. Naruto, this guy has about - Kazama, you better**** ** _ _ **not**__** ** **pay attention to this. It's rather boring what I'm about to tell one of your probable descendants.****

Kazama huffed and rolled his eyes. His space-time seal could only cast his mind back in time to see the lives of everyone... Downside? It created a mental problem for the user. If it was used too often, it could drive people insane.

 ** **Ne, Kyuu-kun, didn't we already see the treaty made by Hashirama?****

 ** **Well, it was either this guy or**** ** _ _ **him,**__** ** **and you are**** ** _ _ **not**__** ** **ready for**** ** _ _ **him.**__**

Kazama ignored them. He'd have to deal with them for the rest of his life.

What a bummer.

~:~

Landing back in her seat, Naruto gasped.

 ** **No more trips into the past for a few months.**** Kurama was stern. ****We'll test your abilities later, and your knowledge. If we can, we'll stave off problems that arise in a smart manner.****

Naruto fought a small giggle. "Does this mean we can go see __anyone?__ " She thought of all of the possibilites. There were historical Nara figureheads (she had to if there were any clan laws preventing her acquisition of the knowledge of this type), Yamanaka, Aburame... If she could learn the past and lots of powerful jutsus, then she would be a powerhouse first.

 ** **Not yet. First we need to make you a sealing expert. Knowing what Kazama knows and being able to ask questions while hearing his every thought was not enough to make you an expert. But first, we need an adequate disguise.****

Naruto frowned. "Why?"

 ** **To get into the library, you brain-dead moron. If we could get from the genin, chunin, and jounin stacks, then we could see all the sealing formulas that Konoha has.****

Naruto nodded to herself as she wrote in her journal. She needed to get more paper soon... She'd do that after she was done for the night. She'd skip Academy lessons tomorrow (meaning she'd skip all of the 'exciting' chakra theory that Iruka-sensei was going to go over there. Boring!), go somehow 'borrow' a jounin ID, and get all the stuff related to sealing she could.

It shouldn't be too hard.


	6. Explaining Everything in Three Words

It wasn't, thanks to her new skills. She was able to discreetly steal from a tall jounin in a hurry.

(She later had a foreboding feeling about stealing it, but she didn't worry too much about that.)

But sadly the library was practically devoid of anything that could be considered sealing. Sure, there was __theory,__ but she understood the __theory__ of sealing. She wanted to understand the __elements__ of sealing.

Kurama decided, after looking at that, that he would teach her. And be her therapist.

She needed to be kept from cracking like an eggshell.

She skipped some days at the Academy, only coming when Kurama instructed her to. She trusted her big, furry friend with a childish simplicity that remained even when her mind was an adult's.

She turned eight.

The Uchiha had settled down, keeping the peace and being trusted because of Naruto's 'study groups' that she was never allowed to go to.

Children were far more instinctive than adults.

Naruto hopped in the Hokage's office via the window after running up the side of the building. She saw a couple shaggy-haired guys standing in front of him, and her eyes almost immediately lit upon the breech cloth that the duo had.

It had the symbol for 'Fire', which meant that they were guardians of the Fire Daimyo.

"Naruto, how did you get in through the window?" Sarutobi Hiruzen asked with amusement in his eyes.

"I walked," she said simply. "But you're busy, so I guess I should leave you too it. I can't quite master walking __down__ the walls yet; mind if I use the door?"

The three stared at her, the Hokage shaking his head mutely.

"Thanks!" She smiled at him, beaming, really, and threw open the door and skipped down to the ground.

~:~

She knew she was being followed, but she walked to Kyuu's favorite spot for their meditations. The Forest of Death.

It had an uncanny feeling of being __alive.__ Naruto was training to get a feel for her surroundings, more than she already was aware. And this one was a human that the Kyuubi __knew,__ like had met, multiple times. Or one of his containers did.

Naruto sat down in her spot and got into the basic meditating pose. Then she let her awareness flow over the rocks and into the trees. She could sense that everything around her was alive.

And then...

There was white chakra concentrated on a tree limb. It was in the shape of a man, not the blue of animals and not the green of earth. This person had unique __white__ chakra.

She found herself wanting the tree to curl around him and keep him from forming ninja handsigns so she could demand questions.

But then she sensed something else. Five rapidly approaching condensed blue chakra in the shape of humans.

Naruto kept a single sense on them as she stood up and faced that direction.

 ** **Slow breaths, kit.****

 _ _Okay.__ She was kind of nervous.

Three ninja with unmarked hitai-ates appeared in front of her.

Naruto felt like everything slowed down as she made her hands form signs, Kurama adding a smoothness to her trembling hands, and wood lashed out and held the hands apart, making them forego the hand signs. Wood shifted easily and responded to her every command and caught the last two, wherever they were at.

And her body __burned.__ The wood held, but her body - no, her chakra coils - exploded in agony and made her collapse and huddle in a circle.

 ** **You expanded too much chakra, kit.**** Kurama's voice was soft. ****But you used chakra for the first time in a dangerous situation. Congratulations.****

She was happy she accomplished something.

~:~

"She's fine, physically. But the toll the Mokuton took on her exhausted almost all of her chakra. What should we do?" Yamanaka Inoichi frowned at the girl in the hospital bed. She'd uncovered five ROOT members just by that alone, and they were to be re-integrated into society.

How? He didn't know. But... "Keep her here for now. Maybe toss her in with those ROOT members when she gets hungry."

"Sir?" the T&I man blinked with confusion.

Inoichi smirked a little. "I assume Uzumaki-san was the target, and we don't know why. So, why not? I assume they have to take the girl alive."

"Clever, sir."

Inoichi walked away. __Plus, Ibiki wants a word with the kid for stealing his ID.__ He walked out and thought hard. __Hm, what does my delicate little flower want to eat tonight?__

~:~

Naruto woke up to bright lights and the smell of... Hmm. It was __not__ antiseptic, thank goodness. Though for chakra exhaustion, she supposed the hospital should have been her stop.

 ** **I know where we're at. Kushina was in here several times under pretense of trying to find new ways to torture me.****

 _ _So they knew Kushina-sama was your container?__ Asked Naruto silently. __Then why am I still treated as if I am a monster?__

 ** **No, no, you're not a monster. Hell no,**** denied Kurama.

The door opened, and Naruto looked at the person. He was scrawny, unassuming, and chewing on a senbon needle. He was a jounin.

Naruto wondered if all Konoha jounin could come and go freely.

"Hey, kid, how's it going?"

Well, that was odd. __Maybe some people don't actually care if I'm the Kyuubi container,__ she marvelled to Kurama. __Maybe they like treating a scroll like a scroll.__

 ** **You're not a scroll, I'm not a kunai. Maybe there are just some decent people here that don't give crap to receive crap.**** Kurama sighed.

 _ _I was just using the scroll as an example, Kurama,__ she told her friend dryly.

"You up to eating?" the jounin asked her, smiling.

Her stomach let loose a ferocious growl.

She pretended not to notice the reaction of his hand going to his kunai.

"Yeah, as you can tell, I'm starving!"

~:~

She was led to a cafeteria with the five who had attempted to capture her. They were all eating stoically, and she pretended not to have a care in the world and plopped right next to the first one who had attempted kidnapping her.

"So," she said, not attempting any small talk, but demanding a straightforward answer. "Why exactly did you attempt to kidnap me?"

"He commanded it." Naruto spotted something with her sharp eyesight.

"Who commanded it?" She frowned.

None responded, just stilling and staring at nothing.

 ** **Paralysis seal? Judging by the tongue, I suspect it's a 'Seal of Silence'. This guy, whoever he was, just got in deep crap,**** said Kurama with a rumble.

Naruto nodded to herself. The Seal of Silence was usually implemented by seal masters onto their apprentices (as Kurama had told her). It was originally made by the Uzumaki (as a lot of old seals were), used on apprentices of secret trades or even political prisoners (on rare occasions), and was not a good one to mix with a paralysis seal. One odd seal (the Seal of Silence) and one even seal (the paralysis seal) would __never__ work in conjunction with each other. Naruto grabbed one of their jaws and yanked it down, using her experience to silently judge and comprehend it.

"Wow, whoever did your seals were __incompetent.__ You can't just modify a seal to try and make it an even seal." She was so into her work she didn't even register the fact that the jounin was still there. She frowned. She silently conferred with Kurama.

 _ _Is the seal tied to anything? If there's anything you taught me...__ Her ADHD kicked in and she stood up. She usually took her medicine right after she woke up, but today she hadn't, and her ADHD was usually worse after that.

She paced, ignoring the jounin as Kurama mulled over her memory of the seal. ****I'd say the neural network, or the chakra network.**** Kurama paused for a moment. ****Either way, I wouldn't try removing it now.****

 _ _I know that,__ she sighed to him. __I know that I can't remove a seal like theirs.__ She mentally frowned. __Even if I could, it would require quite a bit of help from a real seal master.__

 ** **Tch. I'm right here.****

Naruto sat down, but tapped the table in a constant rhythm. __I meant__ human __seal master. Nothing against you, Kurama, but you know as well as I that if I were to say that you'd taught me, then I'd have to forget you, Kurama. That's something I don't want.__

She felt Kurama's hesitancy. But then he growled. ****They can try to take you. But you're**** ** _ _ **my**__** ** **kit.****

The door opened, and Naruto turned as the five ninja were taken away. A heavily scarred nin stood there, the nin that Naruto had stolen the ID from.

Killer intent filled the air. Naruto barely noticed it; she'd felt more KI when Mito was angry at Hashirama for doing something wrong.

Naruto looked up to Uzumaki women. They were the epitome of what kunoichi should be.

"You're the guy I stole the ID off of," she said in lieu of greeting.

"Why did you do that?"

Naruto bit her thumbnail. "I'm an Uzumaki." She said it like it explained everything.


	7. Uchiha Shisui

Naruto walked into the Academy with a skip in her step. Everything should have been fine.

But it wasn't. An Uchiha had been killed, and Uchiha named Uchiha Shisui. Naruto heard the whispers, and promptly left the Academy grounds.

 ** **Be careful. An Uchiha's mind is far different than yours.**** His cautionary tone did not deter Naruto, who focused.

"Uchiha Shisui."

~:~

He was right. An Uchiha's mind was far different. But...

"The jinchuuriki is to be your primary job." The Sandaime knotted his hands. "Keep Naruto fed, and watch over her. Do not interfere."

 _ _The jinchuuriki. Do not interfere.__

"Your team, Weasel, Crow, and Dog, is primarily for the welfare of the jinchuuriki. Her suffering will either trigger anger or loyalty to this village."

"What about Jiraiya-sama's request?"

"Unfortunately, we had to lie to him. His spy network is important. Tsunade has no idea her son was taken by Iwa forces, and no, Dog, your request is denied. Again. We cannot kidnap him from what he thinks is his home country just yet."

Shisui nodded his head.

"Continue monitoring Danzou's ROOT forces. That is all"

Shisui vanished.

~"~

It was odd seeing herself that night she'd gone to see Uzumaki Mito, and even stranger to realize that she was a different person from that one day months ago.

And finally, the moment of Shisui's death arrived.

It was almost over too fast. Kunai flashed, eyes pained, lots of running, and finally the sensation of drowning.

~:~

Naruto coughed harshly, knowing it was really only in her mind.

She drew in lots of fresh air. __Breathe, let it out, breathe, let it out.__ Her breathing came under control.

Shisui had died because he sacrificed himself in exchange for keeping his eyes safe.

Shisui had died for Itachi-san.

Kami. Her eyes hurt. After writing everything down, she went to bed with a headache and hurting eyes.


	8. Karin and Tayuya

Naruto walked into the police station and saw that lady she'd seen before.

"I need to see Uchiha Fugaku," she said without preamble.

"Uchiha-san, Uzumaki-san is here."

"Send her in."

Naruto walked into the office. After sensing several other Uchiha, she rolled her eyes (immediately regretting it) and looked at Fugaku.

"Let me make myself clear. Crystal, shiningly clear: Uchiha Madara is the one behind this coup."

Fugaku stared at her.

"I know how Shisui-san died," she continued. "I know who precipitated his death, and I know who is behind this. He threw himself off a cliff to stop Danzou from getting his eyes; Danzou, who has several Uchiha eyes implanted in an arm. And Madara, who has ordered all of your clan to death. You, Uchiha Fugaku, would be dead either way - go through with it, you get killed, go to the Sandaime, you get killed. Me? Not so much. I can go to the Sandaime and tell him everything." Naruto thought fast.

"I would still die," Fugaku growled.

Kurama spoke to Naruto. ****Clan alliance. Allying oneself with the Uzumaki line, you're bound to make a statement. Plus, it was the Uzumaki-**** ** _ _ **Senju**__** ** **alliance that created the alliance between Konoha and Uzushio.****

"Not if you were in an alliance with the Uzumaki," Naruto said with a grin.

 ** **...Small catch, two Uzumaki need to be present. At least. I could smell them out, but it would still take a couple days.****

"But there is a small catch. I need another Uzumaki present, but I need to leave Konoha if I can find them," she told Fugaku truthfully. "A week tops is all I need, Itachi-san, so if you can give me that, I can save you all."

She looked at the right corner, Shisui's normal spot. Sure enough, Weasel's mask appeared briefly.

Then it vanished.

 _ _Is there any way I can find them here in Konoha?__

 ** **No. Well, there is a seal, but I wouldn't try it right now. If we get out of Konoha I can track any with the Uzumaki blood.****

 _ _Okay. Just a few days, right?__

 ** **...as long as I take the wheel. If I don't, you'll be in pain. Like a**** ** _ _ **lot**__** ** **of pain.****

 _ _Okay... I trust you.__ Naruto nodded.

~:~

Uzumaki Karin was entering her apartment when she caught a light on. Now, her aunt on her non-Uzumaki side wasn't home very often, so she doubted it was her.

She cautiously stepped in to see a shock of spiky yellow hair peeking out from behind her open fridge.

But some of the hair shifted as a breeze came in through the window. Uzumaki-red hair was streaked through it, meaning that this girl...

...was family.

Almost as if she heard the thought, the person straightened and cerulean blue eyes met hers.

"Hi," the girl younger than her said. "Got any ramen?"

~:~

Tayuya wasn't too sure of what to think of the blonde and redheaded chicks staring at the corpse she'd just gotten rid of on behalf of Orochimaru-sama.

"Hey, runts, you better leave before we decide ya need to die," she told them.

"Are you an Uzumaki? I'm looking for Uzumakis to join Konoha, -ttebayo."

The yellow-haired gaki looked too young.

"Who are you?" Tayuya finally asked her.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto. This is Uzumaki Karin."

Tayuya mulled over that aspect.

"I don't know," she said finally. Orochimaru-sama... Her hand found her curse mark.

Naruto looked interested. "Is that a curse mark? I'm not an expert sealer, but I'd like to help you with it, if I can," she offered.

Tayuya blinked. "I thought that was impossible," she said slowly.

Naruto shrugged. "I don't think anything is impossible!" she announced with a grin.

~:~

Naruto grinned in her home, the two Uzumakis warily glancing at her. "So, who's up for ramen?"

Karin pushed her glasses up her nose. "What's 'ramen'?"

Tayuya huffed. "I heard that stuff was nasty," she muttered.

Naruto stared at them, horrified. Kazama had made it a __point__ to eat ramen at least once a day. (Hashirama had been annoyed with Mito's fascination with it, but then he realized that it __was__ pretty damn good. Mito had told him that she couldn't live with him or have a child with him if he didn't like it.) It was practically an Uzumaki legacy that Naruto had unknowingly upheld.

"Let's go taste it," she said, her expression dark.

~:~

"Itadakimasu!" All three Uzumaki exclaimed, Karin eagerly digging in. Tayuya cautiously took a bite, then, ravenous, sucked down the whole bowl.

Together, they nearly ate out the stand. Luckily, Tayuya had good enough pay to cover the transaction.


	9. Directionally Challenged

She had had a happy life once. Uzumaki Kiana looked around, missing the sound of laughter.

She was one of the scattered Uzumakis, one of the ones who had seen the downfall of Uzushio.

And like any full-blooded Uzumaki, her longevity and her red hair was noteworthy.

Only Uzumakis who had the royal line didn't have all red hair. One of them had had __mint__ hair (and a few children here and there), one even had __silver__ hair that had branched off into the wolflike Hatake clan.

Ah, she missed her own children. Nagato would have been so happy. But he was supposed to be safe with Kiana's sister, Nemi, who had lived in Ame. A safe place.

She walked through Konoha's market, her crimson hair making people look at her twice.

Uneasy, she started to quicken her pace. Then she stopped dead.

"-not all Uzumakis __have__ to have red hair!" A girl with dark pink, __almost__ Uzumaki hair, stamped her feet in anger outside a __\- no, they were arguing in front of the place of holy food!__

"Prime example, here!" a blonde laughed nervously. "And really, Karin, you may be a sensor, but the only hate you feel is Kyuubi's remnants of hate. He and I have been getting along a lot better!"

Kiana loomed over the group.

"Uzumaki or not," she growled through gritted teeth, slamming a hand on each head of each of the children, "you shall not argue in front of the place of the Holy Food. I am Uzumaki Kiana, and I recognize you as my people." She looked into the blonde's eyes. "Only an Uzumaki from the Royal Bloodline may hold the Kyuubi. Uzumaki Mito and Uzumaki Kushina must bless you from the Pure World." Kiana bowed, her hair falling to the side.

"Are you a prostitute?" One of the redheads asked.

"Idiot, you don't ask that kinda thing!" the pinkette growled, hitting the other with a flute.

Kiana drew herself up.

"I am," she said boldly. "You youngsters have it so easy," she sighed. "I needed the money."

The blonde girl opened her mouth.

"Will you help me?" she asked Kiana. "I promised the Uchiha clan that I'd save them."

Kiana instantly knew that this was a problem best discussed behind closed doors.

"I shall meet you at your home," Kiana said to the blonde, who nodded eagerly. "And I expect to see it __reasonably__ cluttered."

Uzumaki were a tad scatterbrained.

The blonde frowned. "Uh, Miss, do you know where I live?"

"Uzumakis are naturally attracted to one another."

The pinkette looked a tad disgusted.

"Get your head out of the gutter," Kiana snapped at the pinkette.

The blonde looked innocently curious. Kiana could sense that while her mind was older, she herself didn't actually __get it.__ And the only other redhead frowned and fixed her glasses.

"See you, then!"

Kiana watched them leave and went into the place of the Uzumaki Holy Food.

"One miso ramen, but keep them coming, youngster," she informed the old-looking man.

He blinked. "I'm not young. You're younger -"

She was blushing. "Oh, thank you, kind sir," she laughed. "But I'm actually one-hundred and forty-five." Uzumaki longevity was __something,__ okay? She even remembered Lord Uzumaki Kazama.

He still had about a hundred or so years. Uzumakis lived about five hundred years if they kept their health up. Kazama for the longest time in her memory always looked young... But he still said he wouldn't date her when she was in her forties.

Ah, well.

The man stared at her.

"You look great for your age," he finally said.

"Thanks," she smiled. "I moisturize." She snapped her chopsticks, placed her hands together, and with the most solemn face she could muster, bowed her head at the Uzumaki Holy Food. "Itadakimasu!" She dug in, and people around her could only watch with extremely disgusted impressions when she pulled a Naruto and had about one-hundred bowls.

At least she paid for them.

And when she was done, she left, only to have completely forgotten what direction the trio of Uzumakis had gone.

With a curse, she headed towards the Hokage Tower, managing only to get lost once.

~:~

Sarutobi Hiruzen was doing his paperwork when a woman with Uzumaki-red hair appeared, her face severe and her hair in a braid.

"Hokage-sama," she said. "I demand the address of my Royal Highness, Uzumaki Naruto."

The Hokage internally sighed.

"Are you a stalker?"

"Hell no!" the vehement denial left the woman's lips with a scowl. "Now, young whippersnapper, do I have to kick your ass like my uncle Kamido handed Hashirama-sama his?"

There was a pause.

"You're an Uzumaki."

"No-freaking-duh."

"Ah. Will you stay aligned with Konoha?"

The Uzumaki gave a shrug. "Depends on what Naruto-sama wants."

He wrote out a slip of paper. "Hatake Kakashi will escort you to Naruto-kun's."

Said man appeared, book in his hand.

"Great!" she beamed. "I didn't know if you knew, but Uzumakis are usually directionally challenged."

She hopped out the window. Kakashi followed her.

"'Young whippersnapper'?" Bird finally asked out of curiosity. "Uh... What?"

"Uzumakis were feared for their sealing __and__ longevity. It's said that their island, while diverse, actually had an estimated overpopulation rate of 400,000," Hiruzen muttered. "It was never confirmed. But I was there when Kamido whipped Shodai-sama's ass." Hiruzen shuddered, and it wasn't even theatrical. Kamido was known as the worst of the Uzumaki fighters, probably because he couldn't move two fingers on each hand, therefore almost unable to form handsigns and unable to write the powerful seals that made the Uzumaki legendary. It just went to show that in a fair fight, the Kami no Shinobi was no match to the worst of the Uzumaki fighters.

He prayed that Naruto would be okay with that Uzumaki woman.


	10. Senju Itama

Naruto couldn't believe it. Her place was barely cluttered, impressing Tayuya and Karin.

(They were less impressed and more sad when she informed them that she barely had anything. Compared to what they'd brought, she __didn't__ really have anything.)

But she couldn't __believe__ that she actually had __family.__ And she loved them already.

But what she wanted to do when they were asleep was tackle someone else from the history books. She'd only heard him mentioned a couple times in her book, but she wanted to know who Tobirama and Hashirama were to this Senju.

They went to sleep, and Naruto glanced at the seal array on her ceiling, barely there.

She focused her intent. "Senju Itama."

The familiar dizziness, the familiar blackness.

~:~

Senju Itama cried when he was born, was raised with several other siblings, and went to most of their funerals. Unimportant. Not like his brother, Hashirama.

And then...

"Kawarama's dead," he had to tell his family that consisted of two others, Hashirama and Tobirama. "They're burying him in the plot."

Hashirama was the most emotional one, Tobirama the most stoic.

But Kawarama's death hit them both hard.

It hit Itama hard, too.

~"~

Running. Itama had never ran so hard or so fast in his short life. He was terrified of the Uchiha behind him.

He knew he wouldn't survive very long.

As he turned against the rock to face the Uchiha with tears falling down his face and a shaky grip on his sword, the young Senju thought of his brother's hopes for a better future. He had always agreed with his brother, but now, he wondered in the seconds before his death.

 _ _Is what he hopes a good idea?__

Itama died wondering that, and hoping to see his brothers and mother again.

~:~

Naruto jerked up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up violently, unable to help it.

She felt hands brush her hair back in a welcome gesture of soothing her.

"You used the seal."

Naruto rested her head on the toilet seat after she'd flushed it. "This is the fifth time."

The hands never stopped.

"Who?"

"Uzumaki Mito, Senju Hashirama, Uzumaki Kazama, Uchiha Shisui, and now Senju Itama." She felt tears build up in her eyes as she washed her face. "He was just a __child,__ Kiana."

Kiana turned her around and hugged her. Naruto was lucky that she had just cleaned her face.

"You're doing an extraordinary thing, Naruto," Kiana said quietly. "You didn't know what you were doing, but you did it anyway because you want to procure a future for the Uchiha."

"I understand that the Uchiha are different, but I want to try one more Uchiha," Naruto admitted. "I need to understand Uchiha Madara."

There was a silence.

"I don't care what you use that seal for," Kiana said, "but you can't use it more than thrice a year."

Startled, Naruto looked at Kiana.

"Otherwise your brain will melt," Kiana added for her benefit. "How long have you been traveling?"

"It was... Last year," Naruto said, having to actually think about it. "I feel so old."

"Any Uzumaki who does that feels old. I have made sure to tell Karin and Tayuya, the other two here, not to speak out the name of any old, dead person until I can transfer the seal onto you and you alone."

Naruto frowned. "Why me?"

Kiana gave her a sad smile. "Because it chose you."


	11. Argumentation and Defense

Naruto went to the Academy, expecting the greatest lecture of her life from Iruka-sensei. She felt like Academy curriculum was baseless because she __knew__ this stuff already.

When she entered the classroom, Iruka-sensei was just calling out her name.

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"Here," Naruto said quietly.

Eyes turned to her. She moved to the only empty seat and sat down next to Yamanaka Ino. Ino cautiously moved away from the social leper, but Naruto didn't do much other than listen to Iruka-sensei and make notes.

Halfway through the lesson, Naruto had, out of utter boredom, taken out a thick book on sealing her newfound aunt had given her (Kiana had stated that all Uzumakis were related to each other, and it made her feel old to possibly be a grandma, so 'aunt' it was until she got white hair. Also, she learned that Mito had died at the relatively __young__ age of 123. Two-hundred and fifty was 'senior citizen' and 450 was 'holy crap you're old', and 510 was 'you should be dead by now, so die already'. Naruto, Tayuya, and Karin had all laughed at that). She was less than a page down it when Iruka called her out on it.

"NARUTO! Stop read...ing..." Everyone in the class turned to her as she slammed the book shut with an annoyed sigh.

"Gomen, Iruka-sensei, but this is really boring," she truthfully said. "I already know what chakra natures are."

"Care to enlighten us?" Mizuki-sensei asked, eyebrow raised (Naruto read a nasty feeling off of his chakra).

Naruto stood up and slouched a little.

"There are five," she said to the class. "Fire, lightning, wind, water, and obviously Earth. Using these affinities, ninja can control any aspect of their affinity. This is how new jutsus are created by finding new ways to kick ninja ass. Of course, you don't actually __need__ a chakra affinity or chakra itself to be a great leader. One person who is a great ninja is Hatake Kakashi, who has the lightning affinity. Another ninja who does __not__ have a definable affinity is Maito Gai."

"I heard that he was nothing but a joker," Inuzuka Kiba scoffed.

~:~

Rock Lee heard his mentor's name from another class and sneakily slipped the door open.

"I heard he was nothing but a joker," a clan heir, Inuzuka Kiba, said with a scoff.

Just as Lee was going to storm in and defend him, another definitely feminine voice said something that shocked him. "Did you know his father was the same way as he is and killed two of the last Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, Inuzuka-san? He gave his life to defend his son's. And I have no doubt that Hatake-san would not be seen in the same company as him if he was not respected by the man. So would you call someone trained by the Yondaime Hokage is a joke?"

There was a lengthy pause.

"Naruto, I -"

"Hatake Kakashi killed one of his own teammates and took the eye of another," Uchiha Sasuke said, shutting everyone up instantly. "He has called nothing his own. He uses the moniker 'Sharingan no Kakashi'."

"Sasuke, you have no room to talk," the one identified as Uzumaki Naruto said in a cold tone. "After all, your entire __clan__ is a clan of jutsu-theives, no? Oh, watch out, Yamanaka-san, Nara-san! He might steal your family techniques."

"They're Kekkei Genkai," snapped Sasuke. "They can't be stolen."

"Oh, yeah," a new voice scoffed. "Just like the Jyuuken of __my__ clan is a 'Kekkei Genkai' - yet some of your clan members stole it from a branch member."

"Like you can talk," Sasuke snapped back. "Like the Elders of the clan didn't steal a seal from the Uzumaki clan."

"ENOUGH!" The sensei finally roared. Lee straightened, knowing he probably wouldn't find anything else interesting, and left.

~:~

Naruto, Hinata, and Sasuke looked down at the ground, all three tied up together and locked in a smelly bathroom.

"Did you really mean what you said?" Hinata finally asked. "Did my clan steal our seal from an Uzumaki?"

Sasuke shrugged. "I don't know. I thought Father was talking about it once."

"Ask my aunt Kiana," suggested Naruto. "And I'll ask Kiana for advice on how not to accidentally copy other peoples' jutsu for you and your clan."

"Not like we'll see each other after the Academy," Sasuke told her.

"We could get in the same team," Hinata revealed.

"Not probable," Naruto answered, beating Sasuke. "There'll be the InoShikaCho trio, then probably Kiba-san, Shino-san, and you, Hinata-san, me with two other boys, and Sasuke-san, Sakura, and another boy. I'm no longer the dobe I was, Sasuke-san," Naruto told the other eight-year-olds.

"I know," Sasuke sighed. "Tou-san told me that you planned on helping our clan."

Naruto sighed. "Yeah. I am."

Sasuke was quiet. "How?" he asked in a pitiful voice.

"By doing the only thing I can," Naruto answered tiredly. With a quick wiggle, the small Uzumaki got out and sliced the rope. "I'm going to get an adult to help me with this. The only adult Uzumaki I know. But first, you need to go home and get me Itachi."

Sasuke blinked. "Okay."

"You can ask anyone on the street where my house is," she told Sasuke with a smile.

When Iruka entered, the three were chatting genially and being __nice__ to each other.


	12. Nagato

"There's one Uchiha loyal to the village," Sarutobi Hiruzen heavily admitted to the marble-faced Uzumaki woman. "And that is Sasuke, an eight-year-old __child."__

"I had a deal with Uchiha Fugaku to save him from you and your council." With that, Uzumaki Kiana swept around, but stopped at the door.

"I am old, Sarutobi Hiruzen, older than you by more than forty years," she told him in a chilly voice. "My children are probably dead by now, and I have no idea if any of __them__ had children. If I find you had anything to do with the Uchiha dying, I will personally make sure every Uzumaki cuts ties with Konoha." She turned her ice-cold grey eyes to him. He was once again reminded of the brutal, one-sided fight of Kamido and Hashirama. "And we'll take that stand of Holy Food with us."

She swept out elegantly.

Hiruzen dropped his face on the desk.

"...Hokage-sama? What 'Holy Food' were they talking about?"

"Ramen," he replied, his voice slightly muffled. "That's the one thing they're __all__ religious about."

~:~

Weeks passed. Naruto, Tayuya, and Karin were busy trying to construct a seal to help find other Uzumakis and call them and Kiana was busy trying to end her contract with the traveling brothel.

"Naruto." Naruto stopped getting ready for another long day at the Academy. "Skip the Academy for once, yes? Could you try something for me?"

Kiana looked nervous.

"Sure," she said, setting her satchel down. "What do you need?"

"I don't know if he's alive or not," Kiana revealed, "but I want to try and find my son."

"What's his name?" Naruto sat down.

"Uzumaki Nagato."

Naruto focused, looking up at the seal.

"Uzumaki Nagato," she said, pushing her will in it.

Unlike the other times, this was... Different.

She simply blacked out, unaware of the panicked scream Kiana gave out.

~:~

Deva Path stopped in his work. Something was in his head... Something... No, not in this head; __his__ head.

Something scared, small, and childlike.

He perused the entity, playing a game of cat-and-mouse in his own head, eyes closed, giving everyone around him the assumption he had fallen asleep.

The red-streaked hair flew past his vision, and he set up a wall, hearing something collide with it.

Looking at the girl, he blinked at her innocence and yet the fact she looked like an adult.

She was Uzumaki. He knew her by her hair.

"Why are you in my mind?"

"Uzumaki Kiana, your mother, sent me to look for you," the child whispered. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, -ttebayo."

"My mother is dead," he refuted, unwilling to believe it.

Naruto shrugged. "What do I have to gain by lying to you?" she asked him.

A very good question indeed.


	13. There's a Snake in her Room!

**WARNING: THERE IS POTENTIALLY DISTURBING MATERIAL IN THIS CHAPTER. This story has a few serious moments. This story as a WHOLE was done mainly for humor (but it DOES have a serious plot).**

 **Don't say I didn't warn you.**

 **~:~**

"Hokage-sama, Naruto's in a coma," reported one of his ANBU. "Uzumaki Kiana has been taken into custody, and Naruto-san's being looked over by a Yakushi Kabuto."

"Good, very good. Bring the Uzumaki woman here," the Hokage instructed sharply.

His ANBU bowed and vanished, then returned with a pinched-looking Uzumaki Kiana.

"It's my fault," the Uzumaki woman said, looking older than Hiruzen did for once. "My fault. It __has__ to be." She looked at the Hokage. "A seal chose her, and I asked her to find someone who was alive."

A seal.

"Will she be all right? Konoha needs her -"

"No, you don't," the Uzumaki snapped, shutting him up. "You hurt her all her life and you expect her loyalty. Well, guess what? The only loyalty that exists within her is the fact that the Uzumakis have __always__ been allies of Konoha. If the Uzumaki-Senju alliance didn't exist, then I would snatch the girl up and take her away."

The Uzumaki woman stood up, still glaring at Hiruzen.

"Now an __innocent child__ lies in the hospital because of both me and you."

She swept out of the room, unhindered.

~:~

Naruto didn't know how long until the man grew bored of her and evicted her out of his head. She only knew that when he did do that, he was annoyed at her and literally kicked her out.

She woke up to the smell of antiseptic and a bespectacled boy talking to a snake-man.

She screamed. LOUDLY. The only word that came to her mind.

"RAPE!"

~:~

When word came someone was screaming 'rape' inside a hospital he was supposed to be recovering in, Hatake Kakashi was the first one at the scene.

Of course, seeing an S-Rank Missing-Nin inside his sensei's daughter's recovering room, you could understand why he did the first thing that came to mind when he saw the creepy pedophilic man trying to restrain her.

He launched himself, with an uncovered Sharingan eye, at the S-Rank Missing-Nin and bodily slammed him down. As soon as he stopped touching the sunny-haired girl, he used his formidable doujutsu and sent him to another dimension. Then he did the same with the suddenly scared-shitless Yakushi Kabuto.

When he looked at the blonde, she still looked panicked, but she wasn't screaming anymore.

"You okay?" he asked her after a beat.

"Fine," his sensei's daughter said. "I don't even know why I screamed that." She looked disgusted with herself. "Where's Aunt Kiana?"

A woman with as red hair as Kushina appeared, bursting into the room with two other kids.

"Shithead!" the pinkette cried, sounding genuinely distressed. "How are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Naruto assured them. "Karin, what's -"

"I felt two chakra signatures here," the one with glasses said with a frown. "A poisonous one and a... Slimy one."

"Ah, that would've been the nurse who was watching over her and Orochimaru," Kakashi said after a beat of silence. "Just out of curiosity, madam, did you know an Uzumaki Kushina?"

The woman smiled, looking miraculously younger than she had when she'd entered moments ago. "Of course! She was my niece, three times removed. Or something like that." She grinned. "You must be a Hatake. You know, you're one of the offspring of one of the Royal clan members of our tribe. Of course, with them not having as great of a prowess with Sealing, they decided to leave the Uzumaki clan and call themselves the Hatake."

Kakashi had __not__ known that. "Err..." He wondered if Lady Uzumaki was possibly going senile, as they __had__ met before. Then again, he hadn't recognized her until now, so...

"Does that mean I could reinstate him as a branch clan of the Uzumaki?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"I thought you knew because of your time as Uzumaki Kazama," the woman frowned.

Naruto shrugged. "I know a __lot__ about the clan, I don't know __everything.__ Like, for instance, the Holy Food is to be eaten once a day and at __least__ two bowls are to be eaten if your tastebuds like the Holy Food."

All three of the other Uzumakis nodded solemnly.

Kakashi swallowed. "If I eat it every day I might get sick of it," he warned them.

"Oh, that's okay," Naruto nodded. "Law 45 of the Holy Food Amendment was given. Eat it at least once a week and ye shall be considered an Uzumaki."

Utterly. Fucking. Insane.

Kakashi liked it.

"May I join it?"


	14. All For Naruto-sama

Nagato eyed Konoha, Konan hesitant but more than willing to accompany Nagato to someplace __other__ than Ame. Ame was dreary.

They cautiously entered, stopping a person on the road that wore green spandex. Actually, it was a nightmare of a kid with big bushy brows.

"Excuse me, would you happen to know where Uzumaki Na-"

"Follow me this way, friends!" the kid jumped up exuberantly. "I know where the ever-youthful Naruto-kun lives!"

Nagato didn't correct this person.

They followed the kid, and Konan thanked him with a paper turtle.

The kid beamed at her and then rushed off as Konan knocked on the door.

The door opened. By Kiana.

"Kaa-san..." Nagato was at a loss for words.

Konan smiled politely at the woman. "I am Konan, no last name," she said quietly. "This is my brother, Uzumaki Nagato. He cannot walk right now."

He __could,__ but he kind of left his Deva Path to watch over the Akatsuki and his other Paths... Well, they were __easily__ noticed, except his Animal Path, and she was unable to jump, so... Yeah.

Kiana recognized him, and she smiled brilliantly. "Come on in! We're kind of busy tattooing Naruto-sama right now," (fuck, Nagato wished he didn't know that now. Now he __couldn't__ extract the Kyuubi - it would be like killing her. Shit.) "but come right in!"

Indeed, Naruto's back was being inked. With chakra-sealing ink.

"Continue, Karin." The seal was finished not long after that, and Naruto looked like she was in slight pain.

"Naruto-sama," Konan spoke. "I am Konan, no surname or clan affiliation. This is my... Brother, Uzumaki Nagato."

Naruto looked at them. "Hi!" she greeted. Then a serious look appeared on her. "Nagato-san, Konan-san, only one question is asked. Answer right and both of you might join the clan, Konan-san on probationary status." There was a pause. "On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being gross, 5 being 'in moderation, good', and 10 being 'once a day, two bowls at __least__ '... How much do you two like ramen?"

"5," the duo said together. Ramen was only good in moderation to them.

There was a pause. "Okay, you can live here."

"We're going to need to buy this building and get rid of the ceiling to this room," Kiana said after an awkward silence.

"Yeah," agreed Naruto. "This is a crappy apartment building."

"I'll buy it," Nagato offered. "I have a __lot__ of money."

He mentally commanded his Deva Path to order Kakuzu to give him half the money the Akatsuki had saved up by doing the job. Now that he had to protect Naruto, he couldn't extract the bijuu.

Maybe... He perked up and looked at his mother.

"Mother, will we take back our nation?"

There was another pause as Uzumaki Kiana choked on her milk.

"Uh, I think we'd need to find the other Uzumakis before then," she answered after wiping her mouth. "And we still need to adopt an alliance with Uchiha Sasuke. And talk to Senju Tsunade."

"Um... About Itachi-san..." Nagato wished he didn't have to admit to his mother about his... Extracurricular activities.

But then again, it was going to come out anyway. He already knew Itachi's reasons for joining the Akatsuki, anyway.

And there was that little tidbit of Uchiha Obito being alive.

~:~

Itachi looked up when the Leader entered the living room the Akatsuki members were in.

"Kakuzu. I dismiss you from the Akatsuki. As per our agreement, you give me half the funds you collected, and then you keep the rest to use to your psychotic hearts' desires. Sasori, Kisame, Hidan... All but Tobi, Itachi-san, and Deidara are dismissed from the Akatsuki. Take your belongings and leave. Now."

"What about Zetsu, un?"

"He's been dismissed, too," Deva Path __smiled.__ "Now __get the hell out."__

All but 'Tobi', Itachi, and Deidara left.

"Now, __Tobi,__ I have the knowledge of you being Uchiha Obito... And you can't use your eye, either."

~:~

Nagato blinked. It had only been a few minutes from when he'd made the 'best' decision of his life and told his mother. Of course, Itachi, Obito, and Deidara - and the 'Tobi' skin that was as annoying as hell - were still going to capture the bijuu containers and __lie__ about them being extracted, but really weren't going to extract them.

All for Naruto-sama.


	15. Genin

Naruto skipped to the Academy, not minding the glares as usual. As usual, she was late.

Oh, well. She didn't really care. She was late and she was having lots of fun, anyway. Kiana had woken her up early to go over some sealing and medical jutsu, Karin wanted an opinion on becoming an iryo-nin, Tayuya wanted to beat the shit out of people, and Naruto just wanted to live her life day by day.

But since her mind was that of an Uzumaki __adult,__ she was even more easily bored out of her freakin' skull than she was before. And her restless spirit, so contained before her week-long coma, had returned in greater strength.

Seriously, it was like the more Uzumaki she was, the more __childish__ she was.

Psychotically so, too.

But she had promised herself to grin and bear it. Uzumakis were psychotic and the only thing in her life that made any sense any more was their psycho ways. She was one of them.

She ignored Ino and Ami and Rei and all her bullies.

But finally, Sakura punched at her head... But her hand was caught in a grip.

Sakura went white as her bones started to crack and the blonde-and-red Uzumaki only eyed her clinically.

"Sakura-san," she said to the foolish girl, "not everything can be solved with fists." Green medical chakra covered her hand as she released Sakura's fist and she healed the hand she'd nearly broken.

She went up to the chuunin instructor. "Iruka-sensei," she said to him, "can I take the test now?"

He directed the eight-and-a-half to another hallway.

"I'll visit when I'm a genin!" the pyscho blonde cheerfully said.

~:~

Hatake Kakashi was the first one to apply to being a __specific__ genin-to-be's instructor.

"You can take three apprentices or two genin," the Hokage deadpanned at Kakashi's request to be two childrens' master while he taught Naruto as her sensei. "Or two apprentices and three genin. I'm sure if faced with you any child would run screaming."

"I want Naruto-kun," Kakashi stubbornly insisted. "If he passes. I want to teach him." Kakashi was respecting Naruto's wish to be known as a guy for her genin experience.

"You're assuming he even really wants to be Hokage, you'll teach him to be Hokage?"

"My sensei taught me a lot," Kakashi said cheerfully. "I promise I won't turn him into a pervert like me. Or to be late like me."

Hiruzen thought about it. "How about you be his __official__ teacher? Pass him to the other instructors so they can get a feel for what he can do."

"...As long as you make __certain__ Gai doesn't give her a green jumpsuit or a bowl cut. He already has one Mini-him."

Both shuddered at the very thought.

However, Kakashi forgot about one thing. Mitarashi Anko was a genin instructor.

As Kakashi forgot about Anko, Hiruzen forgot about the ROOT ANBU watching.

~:~

Naruto summoned about two __thousand__ clones of herself, making her __overqualified__ to be a genin.

Kakashi was the first one to appear.

"You're going to learn from each of the jounin instructors, at least until we can find you a decent fit." He blinked at the rest of the gakis in the classroom waiting for a teacher. "You should all just go home, you're going to fail anyway."

He grabbed his nine-year-old charge, who stuck her tongue out at the civilians childishly.

She wasn't arrogant - they had claimed she'd fall out of the training as soon as it started.

"Your siblings will be apprenticing under me officially," Kakashi chirped at her with a one-eyed smile. "Unofficially, we have a sanctioned mission to go get Tsunade of the Sannin's drunk ass back here to Konoha."

"When?"

"In a couple years. Kiana and Nagato may have been training you, but you are to go to T&I immediately and start your training." He shoved her toward the building and vanished.

Naruto threw up her hands in exasperation.

~:~

She was thrown into a cell with someone who stared at her with amusement.

"A kid?" he laughed. "I won't break because of some kid."

Naruto tilted her head towards him.

"Look, gaki, you can leave me here to rot. I ain't gonna talk."

"They'll kill you if you talk," Naruto surmised.

He smirked at her.

"But we'll do worse." She stayed at her spot and didn't move, head still tilted. "We'll start with peeling the flesh off of your bones." Maybe it was her calm manner, but what she was saying made the guy pause. "We'll take off your (THIS HAS BEEN CENSORED TO NOT GIVE ANYONE NIGHTMARES. NARUTO APOLOGIZES FOR THE SUDDEN INTERRUPTION)... And then we'll do it all over again." Her voice had dropped into a mere whisper, and the guy looked like a walking corpse.

"Okay, I'll talk! Just get her away from me!" the guy screamed.

The cell door opened, and Ino's dad marched in, looking a tad queasy.

"Get out here, Uzumaki," he barked.

She exited the room and noticed almost all were sheet white. The only others who weren't white, throwing up, or looking phased at all was a lady wearing a trench coat and a heavily scarred man.

"Nice job, gaki," the scarred man said, then strode purposefully into the room.

The lady with the trench coat smirked at the young genin.

"Where'd you come up with those kind of tortures?"

Naruto told the truth. "My Aunt Kiana. She likes telling us what Kiri did to their prisoners of war." Or still __does,__ but Naruto didn't mention that.

She thought it best to stay quiet on that.

The woman frowned. "Really? Sounded like you knew what that felt like."

"That was tame compared to anything I've felt before," Naruto replied, thinking of the excruciating pain Mito went through.

Now __that__ was something she __never__ wanted to feel again.


	16. Tokubetsu Genin

Naruto wasn't able to catch a break for a while. Most of the time it was work all day, eat a few bowls of ramen, sleep, get up early so Kiana and Nagato could teach her... She didn't have minutes to spare to go to the Chuunin exams, what with Nagato's warnings about her needing to be cautious of both bloodline-stealers and bijuu-stealers.

The days passed quickly, turning into weeks, months, and then finally years.

She didn't think for the next three and a half years to visit the dead - after all, she had abilities that others wanted.

ROOT ANBU tried to nab her on more than one occasion, but she was usually around someone else who could help her defend herself and, of course, her powers she'd gotten from the visits to the dead.

Kurama eased some of her burden by shoving knowledge of the seals he knew of to her forefront whenever she was working with the Fuuinjutsu Corps (who had actually extended a formal apprenticeship to her), knowledge of the 'forbidden' Uzumaki jutsu known as the __Ketsueki__ bunshin - creating a dozen or so copies of herself that __was__ her at the same time, linked to Kurama and herself - helping her with her footwork and even making a clone purely to learn how to dance.

In all this time, she was rushing about, completely forgetting about Uchiha Madara and how she __needed__ to see his viewpoint, to go to Senju Tobirama's past, to see the Yondaime in action, to see Uzumaki Kushina... Naruto needed answers, but she completely forgot about them.

Until her __official__ graduation into a full-fledged Tokubetsu Genin, she completely forgot about the seal.

She was twelve years old and received the made-up rank of Tokubetsu Genin. Only a few jounin were there, the ones who'd helped her out at almost everything. Despite the fact that she had a long life ahead of her, she wanted to rebuild her fallen nation and take on whatever mantle that they needed her to take on.

"Congratulations, Uzumaki Naruto," the Sandaime said, bringing out a specially-made green headband signifying her status as a tokubetsu genin. Her ID was the same, but she had quite a few cards to get into several areas.

In the past three and a half years, she'd gotten more educated than any other person.

No matter how long she had, she would protect Konoha with all her being.

"With that being said, Uzumaki Karin, Uzumaki Tayuya, and Uzumaki Naruto. As all are graduated genin..." The Sandaime trailed off for a second and glared at Kiana. Karin and Tayuya were both __technically__ genin. "...and have had their 43 D-Ranks necessary to complete a C-Rank..." Another filthy look, this time directed at Naruto, who whistled 'innocently'; her number of D-Ranks this year alone amounted up to 670 D-Ranks, after all. "...are to complete a C-Rank in order to qualify for the Chuunin Exams, after which are the jounin exams - no, Naruto, I forbid you as Hokage to ace the Chuunin Exams and then take the jounin exams right after - and this C-Rank will be..."

 _ _Please be Tora! Please tell me the cat went up a volcano!__ Thought all three genin, all of whom had __excellent__ experience with the cat from Hell. It was excellent tracking for the three.

"...A fisherman from Wave."

Instantly, the three became infinitely more serious. Wave. Near Uzushio - or what was left, anyway.

"Okay," Naruto said eventually. "Who's going to be our jounin leader?" Kiana claimed she was far too old to do it, and since Nagato and Konan were technically civilians, they couldn't exactly lead them.

"Kakashi will be escorting you there. Asuma - my son who has been away - will be accompanying you on behalf of Uzumaki Kiana, Uzumaki Nagato, and Konan-san. In case anything goes wrong, he will be there."

Naruto nodded. "Hai, hai!" The mission scroll was handed out.

Hiruzen walked away, smirking inwardly as Tazuna was shown in. Not all C-Ranks were glory missions.


	17. Senju Tobirama

Zabuza was confident he could kill anyone that came near him and his quarry. His quarry being the damned fisherman.

Haku, his right-hand man, sat there with his fake Kiri-nin mask on and ready to follow his orders. He knew the plan - any sensors, he conceal his chakra completely.

He shifted minimally and released Haku's rabbit. The rabbit was a perfect Kawarimi tool.

One of the genin, a blonde with a green headband, looked at the rabbit. "Say, Kiana, how much would the Uzumaki fish?"

Zabuza stood stock still, blood flowing from his face. An Uzumaki. Uzumaki come to get revenge.

He was scared. But he had to do the jutsu.

And kill the damn bridgebuilder. He was nothing without his honor.

But he was also nothing without his life.

He brought Kubikiriboucho up and called up the chakra-mist.

The last of the Uzumakis would die... After the bridgebuilder.

~:~

Naruto tensed as she felt the mist creep in.

 ** **Your seal.****

 _ _My seal?__ She frowned. Then - __Ooh. Wow, I can't believe I forgot about that.__

 ** **Well, it might have been because I knew your mind wasn't fully healed from jumping into a**** ** _ _ **living**__** ** **person's mind, you idiot.****

 _ _Oh, yeah. I don't really want to go into a coma again. Water jutsu person...__

She felt the seal on her back flare as she smirked. "Senju Tobirama!"

She had never blindly threw herself into a person's timeline in the middle of battle, so she would have to rely on Kurama to right her.

~:~

Tobirama gazed at his brother. "Stop this foolish notion, brother," he told his older sibling, who was silent. Itama's death had hit him hard, and addled his brother's mind. "The Senju and Uchiha can __never__ get along. This is proof."

"You're wrong!" Hashirama __glared__ at Tobirama. "And I will prove it, I swear it."

He stormed off.

Tobirama followed his brother.

"Hashirama, you cannot prove anything. The Senju and Uchiha are always enemies! __Always.__ That is what it has always been!"

"Well, I will change that!" Hashirama's stubbornness was a trait given to him by their father - his kind of babyish features was their mother shining through, though.

"No, not even you and your idiocy will change anything. They are the __enemy,__ and __nothing,__ not even the power of __friendship__ will help you."

With those words, Tobirama whirled around.

~"~

Seeing the Uchiha and his brother together, Tobirama was enraged. Itama had __died__ because of an Uchiha.

To prove that he could hold a grudge, he began his lifelong fight against Izuna. Izuna seemed to enjoy their fights, to __toy__ with Tobirama.

As Hashirama and Madara fought and were never willing to mortally wound each other, Tobirama __couldn't__ mortally wound Izuna.

They struggled with this. Izuna even caught Tobirama and did his best to break him.

But it was for nothing. Izuna's final death and Tobirama's warning to never trust the Uchiha because he could hold a __fucking__ grudge for his entire __fucking__ life... His warning did nothing. So he, when his brother was dead and Mito locked away by her own will and grief, he moved the world and changed things.

And Sarutobi... He was one of the pupils he had taught firmly, along with Danzou. Two of his brightest pupils.

He went to his death knowing that Sarutobi Hiruzen would succeed him, and his vision against the Uchiha would one day be realized.

~:~

Naruto flashed her hands in the symbols for a high-leveled water jutsu, water exploding out of her mouth, dispelling the mist and making them see the person hired to kill Tazuna.

There he was. He looked pissed she'd figured it out, and went after Karin.

A spray of blood later and she was facedown on the ground.

Naruto could barely register Zabuza's movements towards her.

Her eyes hurt as she stared at Karin's barely moving body.

An unearthly scream tore its way from her throat.

Kiana looked shocked.

Naruto could feel hot, thick tears falling down her face. She registered Kakashi's shock - hell, even Asuma's dropped trench knife, but she could only stare at Zabuza in anger.

"You hurt my family."

She could distantly feel Kurama's shock, but she was in the midst of bloodlust. She wanted his __death__ for hurting Karin.

She launched herself towards him, kunai out.

She shoved him to the ground, his arm snapping and dropping his oversized butcher knife. She had the kunai at his neck, but then she recalled Tobirama's past and stumbled off of him, shaking. She looked at her shocked friends and family and a noise, a half-sob and half-scream, came from her body.

She couldn't kill another person.

She __couldn't.__


	18. More Uzumaki Pschyosis

Zabuza opened his eyes, shocked he was still alive. The Sharingan eyes haunted him.

"Naruto, tell us what's wrong." He tried to do a jutsu. It was impossible. Shit. Haku was -

Sitting next to him, looking pale.

He looked and saw the Uzumakis sitting around the child that had almost killed him.

"I couldn't," she said, hysteria in her voice. "I can't kill anyone. I see all their faces."

She buried her head in her arms and started to cry.

~:~

"This is a common factor when people do this," Kiana admitted to Kakashi. "I have only seen this jutsu done a few times. My uncle, Kamido, did this, and permanently paralyzed two of his fingers on his dominant hand because of it. Those with loving hearts and sound minds cannot kill, because they experience more death than anyone else." Kiana sighed. "I have no idea what we're going to do to Momochi or the child."

"How about we take them to Konoha?" suggested Naruto, stopping them. "After the mission."

"How are you feeling?" Kiana immediately asked her.

"I'm going to make a name for myself," the Uzumaki girl said. "'No-Kill' Naruto."

She laid back down.

"I take it that's a good thing?" ventured Zabuza.

"For her, yeah. You?" Kiana smiled sweetly, yet poisonously. "Not so sure about that."

Zabuza gulped. "Look, I was hired to do it! I'm raising funds to overthrow the Mizukage, Yagura!"

"No need, he's been deposed," the oldest Uzumaki said flatly. "Actually, from what I heard, he fled when his bijuu took over. He could be on Fish Island. I hate Kiri nin."

"I'm __former__ Kiri," Zabuza corrected. "As in, 'no longer Kiri'. 'Left Kiri'. Synonymous to -"

"Oh, shut up," Kiana snapped. "How about you, cutie? What's your name?"

The kid looked highly alarmed at Kiana's sudden niceness.

"Uh... Well, I'm Yuki Haku," he said. "And I'm a guy."

Kiana nodded. "So does that mean you left Kiri because of the bloodline purges?"

Haku nodded hesitantly. "Zabuza-sama saved me."

Kiana eyed Zabuza with some respect.

"Nice going," Kiana said, genuinely happy that he did that.

"Are Uzumaki psychotic?" Zabuza asked, looking at Asuma, probably assuming from the blatant porn that Kakashi was holding that he was not going to be any help (assuming correctly).

Asuma sighed. "Yep."

Zabuza slammed his head against a tree.

~:~

Inari stared at the redheads. They were real! Uzumakis were real!

Well, unless the hair was dyed. And if they weren't as pyscho as he'd heard.

"Moderation in front of the children, Naruto-sama," the silver-haired guy said, patting a __blonde.__

"You're an __Uzumaki?"__ Inari asked.

The blonde nodded. "Yeah!" she grinned.

"But you're not a redhead!"

"Nope! My father was a Senju, obviously, or a Yamanaka," the blonde said.

"You actually look kind of like the Fourth Hokage," Tsunami blurted.

Naruto snorted as Kiana and pretty much everyone who knew the Fourth Hokage's looks tilted their heads.

"I am so not related to him," she snorted. "If I was related to him, I would've been made aware by Hokage-jiji."

Kiana had an 'ah-hah' look upon her face.

"So, when do you plan to marry that Hyuuga girl?" she asked Naruto conversationally.

Naruto choked on her food.

"Hinata?"

"No, that other girl. Neji."

Naruto stared at her. "Who's Neji?"

"The girl you're always talking to!" Kiana smiled brightly.

"Auntie Kiana, I only talk to Hinata," Naruto replied. "And despite the fact that I have been influenced by way of females thanks to a specific seal, I am not exactly old enough to be sexually attracted to anyone."

She said this in a reasonable tone.

"Yeah, you're definitely Uzumakis," Inari said with a big grin. "You're all psychotic."

All the Uzumakis at the table stood, bowed, and said in unison, "Why thank you!"

Inari had good faith in them.

After all, Uzumakis were psychotic and __fierce.__ They could beat Gato.


	19. The Sage

Naruto took a deep breath.

After Tobirama... She needed some peace of mind.

 _ _Do you think visiting -__

Naruto's eyes shot open, having been disturbed by someone.

She was no longer in the clearing. Instead, she was staring at the face of some old guy who had horns and eyes like Nagato.

"Who are you?"

The man said nothing for a minute.

"Otsutsuki Asura," he said after a moment. "That is one of your old names. In a previous life." He blinked, and Naruto realized he was old. Impossibly so. "And yet, you are not dying, nor are you dead. Curious, you coming to me."

"It wasn't my intention," Naruto replied meekly. "You're the Rikudo Sennin."

"Otsutsuki Hagoromo." The old man inspected her closely. "You are conflicted, young one."

"I..." She paused. How could she say this? "I don't know what I'm going to do. With Kurama - he puts me on the straight path. But I'm living all these lives out and I feel like I'm __them.__ The seal was meant to do that, of course, but I'm gaining so many powers that I feel like I'm going to explode from them."

She waited for the Sage to tell her she was an idiot.

She voiced her true fear, as he kept __staring__ at her.

"I feel like I'm going to hurt the people around me because of these powers."

A kind, wise, smile appeared on his face.

"I have seen your heart," he boomed. "As dishonest as you might become because of your chosen path, at heart you are honest and good. You have the potential to surpass me, young one." With a single twitch, Kurama sat next to her. Kurama bowed his mighty head.

 **"** ** **Hello, Father."****

The Sage smiled at the fox.

"May Inari bless you, Uzumaki Naruto," the Sage said, returning his attention to her. "As a gift, I grant you the ability to not be swayed by outside influences like seals, and the eyes of Indra."

Kurama turned his head to Naruto as she frowned.

 **"** ** **Uchiha eyes, brat."****

"Oh," she said, feeling a rosy tint come into her face.

"The condition is that the seals without your express consent that are placed on you will hold no sway on you." The Sage seemed to move closer. "And your features might alter a bit."

"It would be an honor to look a bit like you!" she said, eyes wide.

Kurama chuckled. **"** ** **I didn't get**** ** _ _ **my**__** ** **looks from him,"**** he said with a grin (well, he showed his teeth, but Naruto could see he was amused).

"Because you're made of chakra, and the most powerful of the Bijuu. A kitsune suited you," the Sage told his pseudo-son.

 **"** ** **I am honored,"**** the Bijuu replied.

The Sage returned his gaze to Naruto.

"You must grow into your features."

The Sage placed his hand on her head.

"When you have more control over the seal, you may visit my life. As it is not yet over even now, it would take a long time, child, to sift through it all." Amusement laced his words. "Now go, as the Child of Prophecy, and spread peace, love, and Uzumaki psychosis to the rest of the world and your family for the last one."

"I'm not sure the world could handle a bunch of Uzumakis spreading their psychosis," Naruto said, rather dryly. "And how do I gain control over it when -

Warmth rippled over her body.

"You may use the seal five more times this year," he rumbled. "Pick an ending point. Not a starting one, child. And when I see you again, I shall tell you more."

Naruto blinked, finding herself back in the clearing. Night had long since fallen, and Haku stood there, watching her.

"Are you all right, Naruto-san?"

Naruto nodded, stretching.

"Did Auntie Kiana send you?"

Haku nodded.

"Okay."

~:~

"You saw the __Sage.__ The __Sage of Six Paths,__ " Nagato repeated dumbly in the room the Uzumakis shared. Hey, they were __Uzumakis.__ Psycho peeps.

Plus, Inari and Tsunami didn't care.

"Yeah," Naruto said quietly.

"Hmm," Karin said, frowning. "What did he tell you?"

"He gave me three gifts, advice, and a request," Naruto said, thinking on it. "And I'm pretty sure he spoke to Kyuubi about something, but I'm not sure what and I am certainly __not__ going to pry."

"Good," Kiana said. "Tomorrow we shall take Zabuza to Fish Island, and I will look upon the remains of the home that was once mine. I shall try to see if I can find some extra scrolls on the seal." She nodded towards Naruto's back.

"Uh, guys?" Nagato sat up. "There's a new group calling themselves the Neo-Akatsuki, and I think that someone from the old Akatsuki I formed is doing what I had planned on doing. This mission needs to finish up as soon as possible."

"Hai, hai!" came a chorus of 'angelic' voices.


	20. Hatake Sakumo (1)

Naruto, Karin, and Tayuya all decided to work on the bridge with Tazuna. It was a good idea for them to build up their muscle, because even if they were girls, they were not supposed to rely on their jutsu and sealing methods alone.

"Some people think that jutsus are all that's to a ninja. Proving them wrong when you're pretty much out of chakra is the best thing you could ever do," Kiana informed her family. "And who knows, if you're good, there might be some Uzumaki who want to come to Konoha."

Kiana, Konan, Zabuza, and Nagato all left the bridge builder and (pretty much free) labor. They wouldn't be back until the bridge was complete (or so they said) and Naruto thought that late at night without Kiana's supervision, she would go in search of a person to 'visit'.

"Why don't you try my dad?"

Kakashi-sensei appeared as she was meditating and thinking on it.

"Your dad?" she repeated.

Kakashi nodded. "Hatake Sakumo. Great person."

She nodded and focused. She wanted to __stop__ midway through his life, so she focused on that instead of a 'starting point'.

"Hatake Sakumo."

Familiar dizziness, then blackness.

~:~

A __baby.__ Wow, she was a moron.

Well, at least she had the interesting experience of seeing the White Fang's mother, and being inside her __stomach.__

And baby life was so __boring.__ Tragically so.

And his early life was kinda boring, too.

But Naruto kind of marveled at the fact that he had loving parents. __Parents.__ Plural.

He was kind. Happy.

As he grew older, he was of the firm belief that fellow friends inside the Hidden Leaf Village were something that mattered. They were precious.

He became a ninja at 9.

By the time he was thirteen, he'd lost his parents and sensei.

~:~

"It worked." Naruto felt a slow smile appear on her face.

Kakashi was still standing there, reading his book.

"Oh?"

"He had great ninja parents," Naruto said, closing her eyes. Her head was pounding, but she smiled anyway. "I think I need a loooong nap."

To emphasize that, she yawned, a nasty crack coming from her jaw.

"Ow," Naruto said blankly.

Was it just her, or did someone just slam their fist into her face and break her jaw? She had faith Tayuya and Karin could handle the bridge in case of an attack, and there were bandits attacking them here. Huh.

She could feel the pain radiating from her jaw, but then Kurama spoke. ****Wow, being a time-traveling Uzumaki really helps you get used to the pain.****

 _ _I think everything pales in comparison to having a bijuu extracted from you with your permission,__ Naruto responded.

 ** **Good point, gaki.****

"Naruto, please pay attention," Kakashi said with an eyesmile.

"Certainly, sensei." She stood up. "All of you better run," she warned, her hands flashing in a water jutsu Tobirama __loved__ to use. She loathed the Nidaime Hokage, but she would use this jutsu.

After all, this was like the Land of Water, just called the Land of Waves.

"Suiton: Water Dragon jutsu!"

A monstrous water dragon exploded from the shore and came to them, crashing down on them with a mighty roar. Just as they stood in puddles, she called to her sensei. "Jump, sensei!"

He jumped. Naruto's hands flashed into more hand signs, attempting something that a young Hatake Sakumo had long ago.

"Raiton: Lightning Finger!"

Lightning coated her finger, and she jumped and slammed her hand on the ground.

Since it wasn't a high electrical charge, it didn't kill them. It was just an effective way to knock them out.

But Kakashi looked quite shocked.

"What?" Naruto asked, landing on a patch of dry ground and looking at her sensei with a frown.

"You're able to use the powers of the people you visit?" he asked her disbelievingly.

"Yeah..." she nodded. "I thought Aunt Kiana told you."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter, I was just... Shocked."

"Understandable," Naruto nodded. "I think I should start doing more women, though, if I visit the dead," she added with a frown.

"Why?" Kakashi asked. "Something wrong with guys?"

"No, it's just that while I visit dead guys, I become slowly turned to the 'liking girls' thing, and while I don't think it's a problem that I could be attracted to guys, I'd like to have an equal measure of both guys __and__ girls," she finished.

Kakashi frowned, held up a finger, and rummaged around in his back pocket.

"Here. Don't really remember how I got this, but here."

A really worn book was shoved in her face.

'Icha Icha Paradise'

She took it carefully, like it might explode, and reluctantly opened it.


	21. More Uzumakis

Tayuya walked in, bleeding (slightly) with a grinning Zabuza, a pleased Haku, and an angry Karin carrying an unconscious Tazuna. Inari was right behind them, Tsunami holding him.

All of them stopped at the scene they came upon.

"Kakashi, did you give Naruto a porn book?" Tayuya asked, a dangerous irk mark appearing.

"She asked for it," Kakashi lazily replied. "I've seen Kiana reading worse things."

Tayuya squinted at Naruto -

"Tayuya, I've actually __seen__ the __definition__ of a manwhore," Naruto said. "Tobirama, remember?"

Tayuya deflated.

Tayuya had heard that Tobirama was the one to come up with the anti-pregnancy jutsu because of his habits with women, but it coming from the girl who had literally spent a lifetime as the man? Well, she'd take it.

They sat around the table, relaxing.

A sharp rap on the door, and Kakashi opened it to see Asuma standing there with the Uzumakis - two more Uzumakis than they had left with, actually (or maybe they were just redheads... No, Kakashi didn't believe that, either).

Kiana eyed the book in her superior's hand, but said nothing, only passing a slight warning look to Kakashi.

"Naruto-sama, these are Uzumaki Nina and her wife, Jenny," Kiana said. "And yes, as long as they don't share at least 1 ancestor in 12 of them you can be married," Kiana added hastily at everyone's faces. "If __I__ married to an Uzumaki it certainly would __not__ be to Naruto-sama. Nina, Jenny, this is Naruto-sama, the head of the Uzumaki clan and the Seal-Bearer of Kazama."

"Hello, Naruto-sama," Nina said, bowing. "It is an honor to meet you."

"And you, Nina-san." Naruto stood up and bowed back. "Jenny-san." She bowed to the other woman.

"Naruto-sama," Jenny said, bowing back. "Kiana tells me that we are among the oldest to live that she has seen."

"That's true," Naruto answered unhesitatingly. "However old you are, you, Lady Kiana, and Nina-san are so far the oldest we have encountered."

"I bet Kazama's still alive," Jenny said. "He's too tough to go down without a fight."

"Kazama-sama is dead," Kiana said with a saddened face. "But we got him back, in the form of this chick!"

She slapped Naruto's back. Hard.

Naruto flew forward and slammed into Nina's... Er, assets.

"Kiana... Was that purposeful?" Nina questioned. "That hurt."

Naruto removed herself from the space.

"Really, Aunt Kiana?" Naruto asked her with a pout.

"'Aunt'?" Jenny asked, glancing at her.

"I'm only a hundred and forty-eight," the other woman deadpanned.

"I'm a hundred and forty-two," Jenny revealed.

Nina was silent.

"Nina..." Jenny said warningly.

"I'm two hundred and fifteen," Nina said meekly.

"Wow! So you're the oldest Uzumaki out of all of us!" Naruto gasped. "And I'm the youngest," she added, sitting down and hugging her knees to her chest, depression pouring off of her.

"Hey, it's not a big deal," Nina said shyly. "Uzumakis aren't judged by their age. I look younger than Kiana!"

Naruto looked up and inspected Nina's face. Yep, she actually __did.__

"I was always trying to get Kazama's attention," Kiana huffed. "You __know__ that I forgot to moisturize a time or two."

"That's not the secret to our longevity, ramen is!" Nina snapped at her. "You ate one bowl a month before the Fall."

"I was trying to catch Kazama's attention!"

"He was married to Lady Korra, of course he wasn't going to go for you!"

Kiana looked shocked. "He __married__ that Uchiha girl?"

Nina sighed. "Sadly enough, yes. He didn't look at __me__ when I wasn't married to Jenny, so I stalked him. And kind of broke into his castle."

"Wow," Kiana said, shaking her head.

"That's where I met Jenny! She was working for Korra." Jenny nodded. "But I still stole a pair of his -"

"You're an __underwear thief?!__ Did he wear boxers or briefs?"

Nina blushed. "Boxers."

This was entertaining for anyone who didn't know of the Uzumaki's only reason for locking up other Uzumakis(Okay, this was one of the Great Ten Do-Nots and earned you a 5 year sentence): Underwear thievery. It was very common when Kazama was a child, and had been added to the previous 'Great 9 Do-Nots' by the time he was 42, an adult in Uzumaki standards.

If an Uzumaki had a crush on another Uzumaki, the object of the affection usually had underwear stolen. Since it was a migraine to have to keep buying __so much thread__ from other countries and having them go to Uzushio and pass all the inspections, the great Time of Underwear Thieves finally died down (well, kind of. But there was less people stealing underwear, so yeah...) by the time Kazama assumed leader of the Uzumaki clan.

Naruto was frowning. "You mean, those five chicks..." She paused and pointed at Kiana and Nina. "YOU TWO WERE THE ONES CONSTANTLY FOLLOWING HIM, ALONG WITH THOSE OTHER THREE!"

"Yep," Nina nodded, blushing a little. "He was so nice. So nice, that Kenna, me, Kiana, Lisle, and Morika all followed him around. I was his personal little stalker chick."

"THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING!" The Uzumakis in the room shouted as Jenny beamed proudly.

"Your family is __bizarre,"__ Asuma-sensei finally said.

"Of course, Asuma-san," Jenny said with a smile. "You Konoha shinobi didn't get the inside scoop. Not even after Uzushio's Fall." There was a pause. "I had a Konoha baby, by the way. You know Kagami, that Uchiha diplomat?"

Naruto had a bad feeling about this when Kiana froze and looked at her friend, going drastically pale.

"Yes, Jenny, I know about him. You mean to tell me -"

"Our son was so handsome, even without the Uzumaki hair, which is why I asked Kagami to find him a nice Uchiha family," Jenny reminisced. "Uchiha Setsuna."

Naruto felt ill. Like, __really ill.__

Kiana paled further. "I hate to break it to you, but -"

"Uchiha Setsuna had a son," Naruto whispered, horrified. "By the name of Uchiha Shisui."

Kiana went pasty, along with the others who knew of the death of the Uchiha clan.

"Oh?" Jenny asked, looking a bit concerned. "Did something -"

Naruto darted out of the house, shoving past Jenny.


	22. Hope Is A Talking Sunflower

Jenny knew it, by the looks on her head's face. Her son and grandson were dead, but the Uchiha Massacre wasn't just a rumor. It really __had__ happened.

It was awful to think about. But Jenny needed answers, and her head was the only one who could tell her.

"What happened?"

Jenny took in her head's pale, sick look.

"Uchiha Setsuna died on a mission from Konoha," her head answered quietly. "At least, that's what Shisui was told. Uchiha Shisui, __Shunshin no Shisui,__ died by drowning to protect his secret - the secret of his Sharingan eye, one of which someone else has."

Jenny looked down.

"I am so sorry, Jenny."

She shook her head. "No, don't be. Sometimes life is difficult. It wasn't exactly like Kagami really loved me - he knew I loved Nina more, but Nina and I had an agreement that if we needed time to ourselves, who we slept with wasn't a concern. Kagami didn't force me to give Setsuna up - it's just disappointing that I'll never know my son or grandson."

Naruto hesitated.

"Shisui liked grapes. And the color blue. He actually smiled and laughed, and he watched over me when I was alone," Naruto said after a moment. "I never met him personally, and I think that if he'd met you he wouldn't blame you for anything."

Jenny blinked at her head. __Oh, right, she has Kazama-sama's seal.__

"Thank you," she said to Naruto.

"No," Naruto shook her head. "It's not me you should thank. It's Kazama. And Kagami."

"Well, they're dead, so I can't." Jenny shook her head.

A weird light came into Naruto's eyes.

"Do you happen to know how Kagami-san died?"

~:~

Naruto faked a smile at Hinata and Sasuke. "So that's what happened, pretty much," she told the Hyuuga heiress. "I found out I was veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery distantly related to __Shunshin no Shisui__ and by extent, you, Sasuke. Like we don't share a common ancestor out of 12," Naruto added for his benefit. "Jenny's like 1/64ths related to me."

"And you're sure my brother is innocent of killing the __entire__ clan?" Sasuke asked, wide-eyed. It was mostly for clarification's sake.

Naruto glanced at him.

"I'm sure there's more Uchiha than just those who lived and died here," Naruto told him quietly. "I thought I was parentless - family-less - but it turns out I wasn't. Plus Uzumaki were probably impregnated by Uchiha Kazama, because while it's not as those my clan was a bunch of sexually active people, it's just to bring new blood into the clan. Marrying people who don't share 1/12 of common blood since the dawn of time would have ensured our clan's death a long time ago. Uchiha Kagami was a guy who may have impregnated his fair share of Uzumaki women. So I wouldn't fret. You probably have lots of cousins out there who are red-eyed. Who aren't being tortured in Kiri prisons."

"WHAT?!" Hinata dropped the rag she was pretending to clean with. The client the three were working a D-Rank for looked at them with concern. "Sorry, just thought I heard her say something weird!" Hinata called shyly.

The woman waved her hand dismissively.

"What?" Hinata repeated, dipping her rag into the bucket. Sasuke looked intently at her. It was a shock to Naruto that he was related to her by blood.

Apparently the Sandaime had thought it was best to put the rookies in a rotation - one day it might be Kiba and Shino with Naruto - to change up their ability to collaborate as a team before the Chuunin Exams all their teachers had nominated them for (because Kakashi had nominated her team, Team 7, the strangest team to ever exist, on a bet from Kiana). Naruto was just now filling in Sasuke and Hinata on what had transpired.

"Oh, you didn't know?" Naruto asked Hinata lowly. "Kiri, Iwa, and Kumo switch their Uzumaki prisoners over to each other. They switch once a year. I heard Kiri was the most violent to them. I want to get them a message, but I have no idea how." None of her powers -

She nearly dropped her rag as she facepalmed.

"I am a __massive__ idiot," she said to herself. "Okay, we're all done here."

Naruto, Hinata, and Sasuke all walked to the owner and turned in their rags.

~:~

Naruto settled on the ground. Theoretically, if she wasn't bothered, she could take control of one of her blood clones. Luckily tomorrow was a day off for the rookies, so Naruto would be sitting on the uncomfortable ground for a day and a half - and hopefully delivering a message to an imprisoned Uzumaki.

She closed her eyes and sifted through her memories. There were several clones still active, and only one out of Hi no Kuni disguised as a merchant.

In the Land of Water.

She smirked and took control.

~:~

Uzumaki Chiota was shoved along the other Uzumaki prisoners, their red hair muddy brown from dirt and mud. Hopefully Chiota wouldn't be sent back to Kiri for another five rotations.

The Uzumakis were treated like they were forgotten in Kumo, given food, baths and new clothes. In Iwa, they put the Uzumakis to work, but didn't supervise them much, just chained them to a station and ordered them to work.

Seals were not allowed - Chiota, being one of the oldest in all of the captured Uzumaki - had his fingers broken once reaching Kiri.

Chiota was also one of the few men in the group. His red hair made him look like a female.

But there was one thing missing from all of the prisoners' faces. Long-lived as they were, they had long since given up the one thing they didn't know would appear.

Hope.

Nighttime came, and several of the Kiri guards were snoring.

But then, something happened.

A yellow sunflower bloomed from a rock. And grew a __face.__

"Hello!" the sunflower chirped, waking everyone up. This was no feat accomplished by the Uzumaki - their hands were behind them and genuine astonishment was on their faces. "So, I was thinking, what should I do during the prisoner exchange? I mean, I wanna tell the Uzumakis something terrible. Something so tragic it'll break their spirits forever."

There was a pause.

"What __are__ you?" Kiri guard Kimmo asked. Chiota sought out the fine details - and his heart seemed to stop.

"I am Her Highness of the Uzumaki, and I come bearing terrible news." The sunflower paused dramatically. "I FORGOT MY RAMEN, AND THE KYUUBI ATE IT! WAAAH!"

The sunflower waved side to side... Then popped into fine ash.

Chiota noticed the others had their features lined in misery, and quickly arranged his own to reflect that misery. Not like the Kiri guards __cared.__

But they'd received something they hadn't before.

Hope.


	23. The Right of the Betrothed

**This is** ** _not_** **a yuri pairing. I'm going for either Gaara/Naruto/Kakuzu or Gaara/Naruto/Itachi. Review below which one you want! Oh, and everything relating to the revelation in the next chapter will be explained in the next ten chapters. Ish. Keep reading, please, and review.**

 **PS: No, I have no idea how Kakuzu became a part of the pairing. I still don't. But I DO know where I'm going with this story. Needless to say, Gaara/Naruto will happen. Review on the third person! Just PLEASE don't put Sasuke into it. Or Neji. Like I said, that will be explained. :D**

~:~

Uzumaki Kikion glared at the Kumo guards as the Kiri and Iwa guards converged.

"5-10, you're going to Kiri!"

Kikion shuddered as he was shoved to the white-faced Kiri guards.

Some of the Uzumaki staying with the Kiri guards had a hidden look of delight.

5-10 of Kiri Uzumakis went to Iwa, and 11-15 went to Kumo. 1-4 of the Kiri ones stayed, Lord Chiota of Uzumaki being one of them. His fingers were permanently bent.

But none of the Kiri guards had the thought to break the Uzumakis that had just arrives' fingers.

Kikion didn't think any of them were going to try anything, but even so.

He had doubts that they were __ever__ going to be rescued.

They walked to Kiri, the guards speaking in hushed tones.

Reaching Kiri several days later, the Kiri guards shoved them in a cell and began talking among themselves and leaving.

Chiota stood, his bones cracking a bit.

"I am Uzumaki Chiota," he said, in a deep, gravely voice. "And we just got a message from the new Queen of Uzushio."

A dead silence.

Kikion spoke.

"We have little ink." But he had an idea. "But there is chakra in the blood."

The oldest Uzumaki that Kikion respected the most stared at him like he'd gone bonkers.

"Why didn't I ever think of that?" Chiota wondered aloud.

"Because you're old?" ventured another. "'You should be dead by now, so die already' old, sir."

"And you're 'holy crap, you're old', Kisapi," Chiota growled. "I won't make it out of Kiri alive, I don't think. I might die here. But our Queen is alive. We __have__ to live long enough to see the young whippersnappers off."

Kikion took a deep breath, and reached into his shirt. He'd pretended to be one of the older Uzumaki that had to hunch a lot when he'd gone to Iwa, so they hadn't bothered patting him down. Their mistake.

He revealed the item that all Uzumaki coveted. An ink jar.

Putting their own special Uzumaki blood in it, they would augment the ink. But they had to be __careful.__

Otherwise the attempt would be over before it had even begun.

~:~

"I sent a message to the other Uzumaki out there," Naruto told every Uzumaki at the dinner table. "I hope they got it." Sasuke looked mildly out of place, but Naruto had pretty much bullied him into joining the home of random fools.

"How'd you send it?" Kiana wondered.

"A singing sunflower I made out of a Ketsueki bunshin," Naruto replied offhandedly.

"Nice. A singing sunflower will do the trick."

"I lied. It was a __talking__ sunflower, not a singing one."

~:~

"Please, Jiji," she pleaded him. "Let me leave the village. I'll only be gone for a few months -"

"No." His voice was hard. "You can _ _not__ go to Kiri to rescue other Uzumaki."

Fury began building up. "It's not as if I'm going to __join__ Kiri! __Please."__ She was well aware that the other jounin in the room were concealed, but she __needed__ to do this. "Why can't I go? I can __easily__ be back in time for the Chuunin Exams if -"

" _ _You are not the Uzumaki clan head, you are Konoha's weapon,"__ the Sandaime growled at her.

Those two words made her stare at him.

 _ _Konoha's weapon.__

"I see," her voice became chilly. "No doubt it's because of the part you helped play in the downfall of the Uzumaki. Well." A cruel smile flickered at Naruto's face. "You, Danzou, and Tobirama. The __root__ of the issue is all right there, huh?"

Alarm flickered over the Sandaime's face, but Naruto straightened and bowed.

"Good day, Sandaime Hokage-sama. I shall see you after I am finished with my exams."

She held her head up and turned her head away, walking like the clan head of the Uzumaki.

If she, when the door closed behind her, let the emotions pass over her face, overwhelming her for a miniscule second... Well, that was between her and the ANBU guarding it, wasn't it?

She didn't care for any of their pity.

~:~

Her Sharingan eyes appeared. Practicing the Sharingan was easy. Mastering the Uchiha Katon was harder, possibly because she didn't have the natural affinity for it.

So far, she had wind, water, lightning, and fire affinities. Of course she liked her first affinity - but she was still a little leery of trying out the minds of the Aburame or the Nara or the Yamanaka, because she wanted to save it for another time.

And she didn't want to piss off anyone.

So she decided to approach the leader of the Yamanaka in a random setting to pose a hypothetical question to him.

While she was __henge__ 'd. But of course, she passed the Hyuuga compound, and she saw Hinata and another Hyuuga girl - no, a Hyuuga male (it was hard to tell who was who in that clan).

The Hyuuga male struck her, and Naruto saw her fly back and spit a little blood.

"You're weak," he scoffed. "You'll never amount to anything other than a branch clan member, pathetic weakling."

"Neji-nii-san -"

"If it wasn't for you, he would still be alive." Fury was in his voice. "If it wasn't for you -"

He stopped talking. Naruto met his eyes as she walked up quite calmly.

She punched him with the punch of two Uzumaki, one Uchiha, and three Senju brothers.

He flew back and a good amount of blood flew from his lips.

"Why the __fuck__ would you strike her?" Naruto asked him. "What the __hell__ is wrong with you?" She kept her voice low. For some reason, she didn't want the other Hyuuga to see her. "I claim the right of betrothed," she announced to him.

"Only clan members can do that, and only clan heads may take without asking," Neji hissed at her.

"Good thing I am the Uzumaki head, ne?" Naruto grinned. She turned to Hinata. "I mean, it's totally up to her if she wants to marry me. I __am__ gender-twisted." It was a fact she regretted learning about in the way she learned it. Jenny and Nina had proved that 'gender didn't matter when you have a solid __henge__ and can turn into a guy if you want'. Jenny and Nina usually liked staying as girls.

Naruto had thrown up. Violently.

Still, using the Right of Betrothed (Uzumaki Law 4, Section B, Amendment 3: Under dire circumstances may a possible bride/husband be taken into custody by the Uzumaki. Amendment 4: After a set period of time, after a series of explanations whether the bride/husband to be may stay in either clan, the one who claimed the Right may/may not release the bride/husband back into their clan), Naruto had taken Hinata for a grace period of ten days. Until then, nobody could contest the Right.

"The Right is acknowledged," Neji said painfully. He'd have to explain __why__ he was injured - and the Right could not be used unless there was an abuse thing going on.

It was clear from Hinata's panicked expression that she was worried about what the clan would do to Neji, to.

"And I guess I use Amendment 2 and take you to deal with as I figure."

Neji paled as Naruto grabbed his collar.


	24. Hyuuga Hizashi

"When's the wedding?" was Kiana's first question as Naruto walked in with two Hyuuga. "Can't say it's a first that an Uzumaki married siblings, but I guess we'll - __why is there a Prisoner Seal on her head?"__

"Huh, so it __is__ Uzumaki," Naruto thought out loud. "Slipped my mind to ask a few years back," she added to her aunt figure. "Also, Neji's a boy," she added.

"Oh," Kiana said. She looked at Jenny. Then back to Naruto. " _ _Are__ you going to take it off?"

Naruto inspected it. It barely resembled a Prisoner Containment Seal - and then it clicked. This was a __mix__ of the seal, added to it was the punishment seal Kazama had been forced to brand Kiri prisoners with during the time of Kiri, Iwa, and Kumo destroying Uzushio.

~:~

Now, Naruto slowly got madder as she realized this. With every breath, her eyes were stained with red, a cause for concern for Neji.

But Naruto released her grip on his shirt, and she took a deep breath.

"Who was it that died this day in your clan?" she asked Neji, who forced himself to stay calm.

"Hyuuga Hizashi," he whispered.

"Hyuuga Hizashi," she said, and tipped forward, her eyes rolling in the back of her skull.

~:~

Something wasn't quite right. She was a bystander - of course, but as soon as he 'died', Naruto was transported to a different area.

So he was alive. She had felt something similar to this before.

"Who are you?" A version of the Hyuuga clan head looked at Naruto with confusion.

"You're supposed to be dead," she said blankly. "Actually, you know what? Let me guess. You're still alive through a Life Suspension Seal. Damn it all. They must've forced an Uzumaki to make the seal, though. Oh, and the only reason I came here today was because I need __answers.__ And your power of the Gentle Fist. Sorry again for stealing your doujutsu, but I promise that it will die with me," she told him. Her blue eyes were wide.

"You're Kushina's daughter," was what he said. "Uzumaki Kushina's daughter. You know, Minato and I once had a -" He caught himself.

Naruto's mouth had dropped open.

"No," she whispered. "I can't - I have to go! I'll send a message to the Uzumaki in Kumo." She looked __shaken.__

Before he could respond, she was gone. And once again, he was left alone.

~:~

Naruto's eyes shot open as she was being steadied by Tayuya.

Her confused feelings could wait. Right now, she needed the Byakugan.

"Byakugan," she hissed, veins sprouting out of what was supposed to be pupil-less blue eyes, but her eyes __did__ have a pupil that looked so much like the Sharingan. The pale blue surrounding it was streaked with Kurama-red.

"Let's go have a __chat__ with Hiashi," Naruto snarled.

There was an energetic agreement.

~:~

Hyuuga Hiashi was having tea when the wall next to him exploded.

The Kyuubi jinchuuriki glared at him with odd-looking eyes.

"Hiashi, honey," she said with sarcasm. "You never call, you never write. I'm beginning to think we're not friends anymore."

She stepped in.

"There's no need to call anyone," she said pleasantly. "You'll find that, thanks to my clan... All of yours is incapacitated."

Rage. That's what filled her eyes.

"And I had to steal a little something from your clan," she said with an ugly little smirk. "But hey, it's okay. You only stole __Uzumaki seals that belong to us and us__ alone. Right?"

Hiashi swallowed.

"Now, if you'd used the one the Uzumaki created in order to prevent doujutsu from being stolen... Well, we'd be having an __entirely__ different conversation. Now, if you want to __live,__ you will hand over __all__ of your research on the Caged Bird Seal, I keep what I have stolen, and then I help you with the unfortunate __problem__ I have. If you want to __die,__ well, that's another story. And if you want your daughter back, safely, then really - you'll cooperate."

"Animal," Hiashi snarled. The jinchuuriki merely stared at him for a moment before smirking.

"Yep." She grinned. "Live or die, Hiashi-honey?"

He stared at her. His lip twitched.

She was serious, but she kept calling him __that.__

In such a weird tone. Like she was trying to __seduce__ him or something.

"Fine," he managed. "Can you bring Hinata and Neji back safely?"

"Yeah, just let me see the seals, Hiashi-baby."

He snorted, then tried to cover it with a cough.

But it was too late.

"Naruto, I told you __not__ to overdo it on the nicknames!" a voice called. An elegant-looking Uzumaki woman was staring at the Uzumaki head.

"But I was experimenting!"

Hiashi stood. "Hikimo, would you bring me the scrolls?"

The kind Elder entered the room, looking away from the older Uzumaki.

Then... "I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD, HIKIMO!"

Hiashi looked at Hiki, to see her sweatdropping and backing away. "Kiana, I -"

"Kiana, I just realized something," Naruto intervened, her eyes back to normal instead of the demonic-looking ones. "If Konoha was founded about sixty-something years ago, were you here at the founding?"

"Nope," Kiana replied. "I was ill. I had not eaten the Holy Food for a week."

"Oh," Naruto nodded. "Hiashi-san, thank you. Kiana?"

Kiana nodded, taking the scrolls, scowling as she read them.

"And there's another thing I need to talk to you about." Naruto said, looking nervously at Hikimo. Hiashi blinked.

"Hikimo is one of the only Elders I trust," he informed Naruto.

"Okay, well here goes nothing." Naruto squared her shoulders. "Your brother is alive, and in Kumo, most likely held under a Life Suspension Seal that was forcibly created by Uzumakis.'

Hiashi stared at her.


	25. Namikaze Minato

"At least he didn't ask me to pay for the wall," Naruto told Kiana.

"No, he just asked us to locate and get him out of there. I don't know how we're going to do that."

"I sent a talking grasshopper. I was thinking of calling it Archie."

"No, you're not keeping the grasshopper, Grasshopper."

Disappointed, Naruto slumped. "Damn it." But then she stilled. "Aunt Kiana?"

"Hmm?" Kiana looked at her daughter-like figure with nothing but love.

"Namikaze Minato," was the words that came out of Naruto's mouth before those blue eyes slumped.

Kiana picked her up, bridal-style, and walked home.

~:~

Namikaze Minato was someone who had been raised in an orphanage. A kind man, a man of great integrity.

And here he was, facing a short haired, redheaded, blue-eyed child.

"You look just like Kushina," he found himself blurting. (Inside his head, Naruto is gasping and covering her mouth with her hands. It's __true,__ and she's a __redhead,__ and he's her dad! He __has__ to be!)

"I used to look like __you,__ " the redheaded woman said.

"I'm surprised," he admitted. "Uzumaki genes overwrite mine?"

"Well, no, they're not supposed to. My Uzumaki genes got kickstarted." She looked down. "It's nice to officially meet you. I guess." Her eyes flickered to his, then back to what she was working on. "I can't give you too much information."

 _ _Right, she's from the future, which means I can't ask her why I'm not there,__ he chided himself in his head.

"And right now you're probably thinking 'Right, she's from the future, which means I can't ask her why I'm not there'," his __daughter__ deadpanned.

 _ _How -__

"I used a seal, and right now I guess you could say I'm in your head. It's the only way I get to know you," the redhead said, looking at him with uncertainty. "Please don't be mad and don't think I'm creepy or anything! I just didn't know... I had Kiana and I was scared and I __just__ found out you were my dad!"

Minato wasn't blaming her.

 _ _So your in my head now, huh? That means you know what I did.__ Everything.

"Yep," the redhead said in a succinct voice. "But don't worry, Kyuubi blocks all the weird stuff from my mind." She gave him a __significant__ look. " _ _All of the weird stuff,"__ she repeated. "By the way, you married to her yet?"

"No," Minato said with a frown. "I thought you knew everything?"

The redhead gives him a 'you're kidding me, right' look. "I have seen and been so many different people, it's all starting to mold together. Now, let's get to work on this seal."

~"~

And when he stood in front of the Kyuubi, he heard a voice.

 _ _Thank you, Dad.__

His lovely daughter's voice, given a gift. Little Naruto would be gifted with blood red hair and have crystal blue eyes. She would live and learn and be __amazing.__

No, he did __not__ regret having that wild night with Hizashi. Well, as long as a DNA test wasn't done.

He was pretty certain his mother would blow a vein if she ever realized that Minato had a threesome that probably led to Naruto being born.

Eh. It didn't really matter, now. She knew, and she was smart enough to actually get a DNA test done.

He hoped.

~:~

Naruto screamed in absolute horror as she realized that __she could be related to Neji.__ And __Hinata.__

"What's wrong?!" Kiana was checking her over for injuries when Naruto shook her head.

"Nothing," she stuttered. "Just... Ugh. Please, Kyuu! Wipe __all of the weird stuff from my mind.__ Kiana, I could be one-third Hyuuga, Senju, and Uzumaki."

Naruto desperately wanted to claw at her own face and rip her eyes out.

Dear __kami,__ if Hizashi turned out to share a little blood with her she was going to __die.__

~:~

"It's a match, but this DNA is only 2% dominate," the nurse said with a smile.

Unlike most of her clients, who either burst into tears or smile, the girl sank into a deep depression, hugging her knees to her chest.

"The other two genes are also dominate, although the red one is the one that's coloring your hair," the nurse said.

She ignored the depression lines again.

"The yellow one, however, __was__ your dominate side. Now, it's becoming your recessive gene. Wow, this is kind of cool, actually. The 2% DNA match - while __technically__ recessive - has recently been activated, I don't know how, but it has. It is __not__ going to make you look any different, just make your hair less spiky. Would you like me to put these results on file?" The nurse waited.

"How about this," the redheaded Uzumaki next to the blonde (who had a visible lock of blood-red hair) said brightly. "You come and work for the Uzumaki, and once we get the clan together, you could marry Naruto here?"

"Uh... I can't marry patients, Uzumaki-sama."

"Okay, then marry a nice Uzumaki boy."

The nurse, Kimimaka, considered it.

"Ah, what the hell," she sighed. "As long as I can still work."

"Of __course,__ dearie. Of course, you'll need to eat Ramen once a week, but other than that... Well. Oh, and destroy all and any evidence of that test."

"Okay. Thanks for coming!"

Kimimaka shredded the files, then received a letter.

 _ _Kimimaka-chan,__

 _ _I need a sample. Uzumaki, if you would be so kind.__

 _ _O__

Kimimaka paled. Orochimaru and Kabuto had escaped? This was __bad.__ And targeting the Uzumaki...

Kimimaka took a deep breath.


	26. The Ten Great Do Nots

The Chuunin Exams. What a waste of time.

Naruto yawned, her pencil down. As it had been for the entire time. From the beginning.

She picked up her pencil again, thinking on what to draw. She kind of needed to tell Neji that they were half-siblings, but since it wasn't a pressing matter right then - like __life-or-death__ pressing. Plus, she was only __2 percent__ Hyuuga. Out of the mixed blood she had, she had 4% __other__ and over 50% Uzumaki (and according to Nurse Kimimaka, it was growing) which meant she had more Uzumaki blood than just __half.__ More than likely she'd become 90% Uzumaki with a tad Senju and 'other' thrown in there (which basically meant 6% Senju, 2% Uchiha [if she was really related to Kazama; how many Uzumaki children were named Kushina, anyway?] and 2% Hyuuga).

She decided to draw a lizard. One of those frilled ones. It took up page, and she was __not__ a good artist.

She paused as she looked at the finished attempt, then put an Uzumaki swirl on it. She managed to get Sasuke's attention, and he shot her a glare for interrupting his work. But when he saw the drawing, his mouth twitched in amusement.

Number 9 was the only one that had no lines drawn over the answer box.

So she drew a fishcake. A naruto.

She had a perfectly straight face, too, when Ibiki loomed over her.

"Are you sure you don't want to leave, too, gaki?"

Looking around, Naruto saw more than half of the people were gone.

"Positive," she answered with a cheeky smirk.

She would show the Sandaime that she did not belong __to__ Konoha.

"You're lucky that you're you, gaki, and I don't hate you. Unlike most of these other gakis." He went to leave, but Naruto sighed in disappointment.

"Man, it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but really? Why do you go through all this trouble if there isn't a tenth question?"

There was a frozen silence. Ibiki turned to her.

"What makes you think there is no tenth question, gaki?"

"There's no period after the last number on the paper," she said, blinking 'innocently'. "There __is__ a '1' and a '0', but no period. There's supposed to be a period. If there was a number 'ten', there would be a period or a half parenthesis."

Karin snorted. "Man, I didn't even notice that! Nice job, Naru-nee-chan!"

"Karin-nee-san! I didn't notice __you__ here!" Naruto stood up and pointed at her like she was accusing her of something. "I have to beat you up!"

"For __what?"__ Karin asked, confused.

"You... Stole..." Naruto's eyes were shaded by her bangs. "MY PACKET OF INSTANT RAMEN! WHO SAID YOU COULD EAT THE RAMEN __I__ BOUGHT?!"

"Nina said so!"

"I'm clan head!"

"Nina's nearly a senior citizen!"

" _ _I'M CLAN HEAD!"__

"Nina's older and much wiser than you!"

"I'M FUCKING CLAN HEAD! THAT WAS __MY__ RAMEN!"

"ENOUGH! THERE WILL BE TIME TO KILL EACH OTHER LATER!" Ibiki boomed, shutting the two Uzumakis up.

"This isn't over," Karin hissed.

"Yes, it is," Naruto said. A small poof later and the warm aroma of Ramen filled the room.

Karin's jaw dropped. "You brought the Holy Food with you?!"

"Of course," Naruto said, as though it were obvious. "I actually __like__ eating ramen every day. But look! This is the __vegetable__ ramen Ichiraku-jiji whipped up for me because apparently I have some vitamin deficiencies!"

"You're deficient, all right, but not because of vegetable deficiency," a Kiri nin on Naruto's left muttered.

Naruto froze. Killer Intent blasted out of her as she slowly turned to the Kiri nin.

"Hey, Kiri nin. Don't think I don't know what you did to my clan members," Naruto hissed, causing the other two Uzumakis in the room to blast __their__ KI, making everyone else in the room (apart from about five, maybe six unphased people. Sasuke wasn't listening to the Uzumaki bickering, therefore he didn't know. He was busy listening to Hinata talk about her medicine skills, which meant she didn't know. Neji didn't care and he was too busy listening to Hinata, too. Ibiki was used to KI, as was Anko. And Shino didn't feel it because he was __Shino.__ And Lee... Well, he terrified people from his green suit __alone__ but was like his sensei and couldn't read the mood of the room well. Sadly, there were also two people who were scared senseless because they thought this KI was coming from somewhere else. And that smile on their kid brother's face was also quite terrifying, too. Gaara could feel it, and he was __happy.__ He also liked the smell of that soup. What was it called?) choke just by feeling it in the air.

"Oi, gakis!" Anko said, unintentionally saving the Kiri nin from slow death by emotional suffocation. "There'll be time for killing each other later."

Naruto, Karin, and Tayuya all sat down, KI gone. Naruto slurped on her soup and rebuffed a tendril of sand from stealing her ramen as Anko spoke.

"Follow me if you wanna become chuunin. Or die." Anko paused and unrolled a paper. "Damn, the Sandaime's gonna kill me."

"You didn't read the script on what the Sandaime wanted you to say __before__ you came in here?" Ibiki asked, sweatdropping.

"Nope!" Anko said with a grin. "Now, maggots! Let's go to Training Ground 44!"

Naruto cheered. Tayuya and Karin did, too. Seriously, the Forest of Death?

AWESOME!

~:~

Kakashi pretended to be oblivious of the glances some of the foreign ninja instructors were giving him. His kawaii genin and clan members made him so __proud!__

"Oi, Hatake-san. Is that loudmouth yours?" one of the Sand-nin asked him.

Kakashi glanced at him.

"Why, yes, Baka."

"Ba _ _ki,__ " Baki snapped.

"Uh-huh. Whatever you say, Biki. My kawaii genin are going to win~" the jounin said with a disturbing grin.

"Please keep your insanity to yourself, Kakashi," the Hokage said with a sigh.

"But I can't lie, that would be an offense nowhere near as bad as Underwear Thieving!" the silver-haired jounin protested. "It would land me in __jail__ for five hours."

Okay... Wow, Kakashi was __crazy.__

"I think you need to go into therapy, Kakashi," Kurenai said. Something nobody had said to him for a __while.__

Kakashi looked at her wonderingly.

"Why?" he asked, sounding truly puzzled.

"Because the next crazy thing that comes out of your mouth will probably be some insane BS like that 'Underwear Thieving' you were talking about."

Kakashi shook his head and held his hand out.

A big, ornate book fell into his hand.

"Thanks, Kiana."

The looked and saw the Uzumaki woman on the ceiling.

"No problem. I landed in jail for five years for that." She kept her eyes closed, but then opened them. "Ooh, Naruto signed the waiver."

"Yep, she's supposed to. Okay, here we are. THE TEN GREAT DO-NOTS: DO NOT MURDER. That's obvious, and that's a forty-year sentence. DON'T DISCARD UNEATEN HOLY FOOD. I didn't know this could get you ten years. DON'T PET THE PURPLE UNICORNS. Oh, __that's__ why! Eating the purple Uzushio-only plant will make you see enemy ninja as purple unicorns. This gets you __probable__ death. DO NOT LIE. Uzumaki have a __lot__ of sensors and you'll go to jail for five hours. DON'T BE CRAZY IN FRONT OF NON-UZUMAKI HUMANS. Again, obvious, but this one's more of a social suicide than an actual punishment," continued the Hatake. The ninja were all staring at him like he lost his marbles. In fairness, he __had.__ "DON'T STEAL. This gets you in jail for five weeks. DON'T CHEAT NON-UZUMAKIS. If found out you cheated non-Uzumakis, you get ten months in jail. DON'T CHEAT OTHER UZUMAKIS. Well, it's more of a 'don't get caught doing it, otherwise you go to jail for a year' kind of thing. DON'T HAVE FIFTY NON-UZUMAKI CHILDREN - this one was more or less pointed towards the ones who had relations with non-Uzumakis. But it's difficult to tell if you had a non-Uzumaki child or not. Right, Kiana?"

"Well, kind of," the Uzumaki woman said in a bland tone. "If the child has red hair, it's an Uzumaki. If it didn't, it was __probably__ an Uzumaki. Still, there were more redheaded Uzumakis than there were non-redheads, possibly because whenever the Uzumaki gave birth to a non-redhead it was probably agreed to keep the scandal quiet, so the child was sent to the homeland of the ninja parent who did NOT have red hair."

"And of course, the most infamous, the DON'T STEAL UNDERWEAR. It's gross, it's costly, and it's __weird.__ Ha, Kurenai. It's __real!"__ Kakashi __taunted.__

"Shouldn't you keep the Ten Great Do-Nots to your clan?" asked Asuma.

Kiana retrieved the book.

"It really doesn't matter if Iwa, Kiri, or Kumo has an idea of the Ten Great Do-Nots," Kiana said. "We're Uzumakis. We do what we want."

"And here __I__ thought you were a nice clan, like mostly polite," mumbled Kurenai.

"You outsiders can never know what the Uzumakis are __really__ like," Kiana explained in a polite voice. "Nor do you know what we're truly capable of."

No. It seemed that they did not.


	27. Orochimaru Again

Archie the talking grasshopper hopped into the cell. He was exhausted, the poor Uzumaki bug.

Archie found he rather liked talking. But he needed to do as Naruto-sama said. Then he'd go back and talk all he want.

The redheaded Uzumakis looked at him like he was a bug. He __was,__ but he hopped on one of the short-haired ones' heads and began to speak.

"Naruto-sama sent me!" he announced in a deep bass (to his ears. The Uzumaki all heard a squeaky voice instead.). "I am to tell you that there is someone here that she wishes saved - if it's possible - and she's wondering when you will be able to get out."

Archie waited.

"Two more months, little grasshopper," one of them said at last. "Unless you have a better time. And date."

"Not at all," the grasshopper replied. "Uzumaki-sama should be a chuunin by then."

"Which nation does Uzumaki-sama reside in?" asked another, face alight with hope.

"Konohagakure no Sato," Archie replied. "She lives as an orphan. But she is truly Uzumaki-sama. She holds Kyuubi."

"Oh, so our clan head is a genin and she holds the Kyuubi. Nice. I approve." The redhead sat back. "Are you a singing grasshopper?"

"Once upon a time, I was," Archie replied. "But I was sealed by Kazama-sama. Naruto-sama sent me to tell you this." Archie settled on the Uzumaki he was standing on's head. "I'm tired, so I'm going to fall asleep. Oh, and the guy she wants you to save is called Hyuuga Hizashi."

Archie fell asleep.

~:~

"I was thinking," Naruto began, "why don't we go try to kill that Kiri team?"

"Nah, I think all the cameras are picking up our words, and I don't think that killing the Kiri team first would make Kakashi-sensei too happy. Just because we don't like them doesn't mean we should kill them," Tayuya admitted with a grimace. She __wanted__ to kill them, but it really wouldn't let them be any less barbaric. Plus, they still had the whole 'Sanity Measurement' to go through. Kiana had warned them that if they discriminated against the Kiri ninja from the start, they probably would not make it to chuunin.

"Plus, you're 'No-Kill Naruto', remember?" Karin asked with a grin.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot," Naruto nodded. "That's okay, though. Tayuya can kill them if she wants."

Tayuya grinned frighteningly.

Naruto paused.

"Guys, have any of you ever had snake?"

"No," Tayuya replied, curling her nose. "Why would you ask -"

Naruto did lightning-fast hand signs.

"Fuuton: Gale Palm!"

Slapping the air, wind exploded from her hand, howling through the forest.

A giant snake appeared.

Tayuya gasped. _"_ _ _Orochimaru."__

"Hello, Tayuya-chan," Orochimaru said silkily. "It's been a while."

"You," Naruto said, glaring at him, "are the one who put Tayuya's cursed seal on her?"

Orochimaru grinned sadistically. "I can't wait to give __you__ a cursed seal, Naruto- _ _chan~"__

Naruto felt a chill coming up her spine. "Uh... One question before you do that. Where would you put that Cursed Seal?"

"On the back of your neck, of course," Orochimaru said, frowning. "Why?"

"To be honest, I didn't really want to ask, nor do I want a Cursed Seal," she said to him. "So... No, thanks." Her hands blurred. "Fuuton -"

"Doton: Mud Wall!"

A wall came out of nowhere.

She canceled the jutsu she was just going to do. Signs flashed, and she forgot to call out the name of the jutsu. She slammed her electrified finger into the wall and uttered a small scream as it snapped. The wall crumbled.

She leaped back, Tayuya fumbling with her flute, Karin frowning -

"Naruto behind you!"

Naruto turned, but was too slow. Orochimaru bit on her skin, and Naruto __knew.__ She didn't want it, but she'd take it on if that meant she kept her family safe.

"I'll be back for you two later~" Orochimaru laughed. Naruto didn't even realize he'd stopped biting her. Pain hit her body, radiating from the seal.

And then Naruto blacked out.

~:~

Karin was scared. Naruto wasn't moving, and Orochimaru had just left (she shuddered to think what would have happened if she'd stayed in Kusa. Orochimaru would have probably appealed to her 'I'm all alone in the world where I have no family' side of things.), and Tayuya looked __scared.__

Tayuya was __never__ scared.

"Kiana!" Karin's terrified yell echoed through the forest. "KIANA, HELP US!"

 _ _She didn't know what the hell she was supposed to do.__

~:~

Kiana looked at the Sandaime, hate in every fiber of her being as she was restrained.

 _ _Call me, Naruto-sama!__ She begged in her mind. __Call us. We're waiting for you.__ That was the main reason the seal she'd been working on with Nagato hadn't worked.

The Queen hadn't called them.

Kakashi, too, was likewise restrained, but for that reason and the fact he was their jounin instructor. He looked like the wolves his clan was famous for making a pact with.

Kiana stilled.

"Fine," she said, with a beaming grin. "I won't help them, and neither will Kakashi. I need to pee."

"Escort her, Kurenai." The Sandaime wasn't willing to take chances. As Kiana exited, she suddenly popped right back in and frowned.

"Can someone show me where the bathroom is?"

Oh, right. She wasn't even supposed to be there.

"Kakashi, show her to the bathroom. Genma, follow them and make sure they don't run off," ordered the Sandaime.

They had said that Kiana and Kakashi could not __directly__ help the Uzumaki head.

 _ _In__ directly, however... Well, they hadn't __specified.__

So, Kurenai followed her into the girl's bathroom, let her do her business, and left.

Unknown to Kurenai and Genma, Kiana and Kakashi had a __specific__ connection to wolves and foxes. And, well, if there just so happens to be a smokeless summons that carried messages that knew Uzumaki handsigns (or ANBU handsigns, in Kakashi's case) to their multiple allies and convinced them (by order) to work with the other species... Well, that was a complete secret held by Kiana and Kakashi, after all.

~:~

Karin shivered as she held herself by the fire. Moving Naruto had proved to be futile, because neither Tayuya or Karin wanted to touch her.

So, instead, they'd utilized seals. Nothing human could pass the literal barrier that they'd erected.

Animals eyed them, but it was the wolves that arrived that put the Uzumakis on edge.

"Relax, ningen," a wolf rumbled. "Fox. Who called you here?"

"The master called us both to help fellow clan members." Foxes converged. "Kitsune magic prevails, __wolf.__ "

"I smell none that can be defined as __my__ pack," growled the head wolf. He prowled around them, pausing when he stepped near Naruto. "This one smells of the old pack leader. I will have my pack protect her."

"We're her pack," Tayuya grunted, making them pause. "She is our Alpha."

"Who's the bitch?" the wolf questioned.

Karin recognized the term. Submissive, bitch...

"Uh, she doesn't have one yet," she admitted.

"Odd," the wolf said.

"It's actually quite common for humans not to have one when we're pups," Karin replied.

"Hm." The wolf sat down next to Naruto. "I smell evil and darkness coming off of her."

"That would be Orochimaru's Cursed Seal," Tayuya blurted. "It feeds on your want for power."

"So shouldn't she be awake by now?" Karin asked, frowning.

"Maybe this is what the Sage was talking about when he gave her the gifts?" Tayuya suggested.

Karin paused. "Orochimaru would've tagged you or I," she said, adjusting her glasses. "What if she __doesn't__ want the seal, but accepted it because Orochimaru would have tagged us?"

"I don't know, but I ain't touching the shithead. I don't touch dead bodies, and she sure as hell __looks__ dead," Tayuya flatly said.

"Let's just get some sleep," Karin sighed. "Hopefully we'll be able to help her more in the morning."

The duo fell asleep in uncomfortable positions, well aware of the wolves and foxes prowling outside their camp.

For the moment, they were safe.


	28. Unexpected Help From Suna

Naruto stared at her nemesis.

"Let me reiterate," she began. "You're __Orochimaru,__ and the only reason you tagged me was because I have __loads__ of power, and because it's a fail-safe when the real you dies. Am I correct?"

"And to control your thirst for power," he replied silkily.

She stared at him for a minute longer.

"I'm going to __kill__ you!" she shouted, lunging at him. "Kyuubi, let's kick his ass outta my head!"

 **"** ** **Gladly!"**** Kurama roared.

Together, two waves of chakra converged on the Orochimaru in her mind.

But Orochimaru, ever-so-helpful in his sense of preservation, blurted, "I'll teach you the __Doton__ techniques!"

The chakra stopped.

"You can do that?" Naruto wondered. "I mean, I'm no slouch at techniques..." She was instantly sitting at a desk, scroll and brush out. "Tell me how to master the techniques!"

Orochimaru smirked at her.

Unknown to Orochimaru, Naruto was just using him. As soon as he told her all his knowledge in jutsus, mind figment or not, he was gonna __die.__

~:~

Gaara stopped as he went through the Forest of Death, again. He was just too... Energetic, today.

He was nearing the entrance when he heard bickering.

"I'm __not__ going to touch her! She looks __dead,__ okay? I am not touching her until she stops looking so waxy and pale!"

"All three of us have to make it to the tower, you moron! If we're stuck here, Naruto will kill us both! We also need to get an Earth scroll. Naruto's carrying the Heaven scroll."

"I'M NOT TOUCHING HER! YOU PICK HER UP!"

"I'M TOO WEAK!"

Gaara entered the clearing, an Earth scroll in his hand.

"I'll carry her," he offered. Mother was silent when he did so. "I'll give you the Earth scroll if you let me."

The two redheads looked at him blankly for a minute.

"As long as you give me a bowl of that stuff blondie was eating at the test," he said. "Otherwise I'll just kill all three of you."

"Okay! We'll give it to you when we reach the tower!" the redhead with glasses said, pushing them up her nose. Gaara nodded, satisfied with her response. He dropped the Earth scroll at their feet, then gently wrapped the blonde in his sand. More sand appeared beneath him, and the two other ninja grabbed the Earth scroll lying on the ground before going ahead of him.

~:~

Baki facepalmed when he watched this happening. How in the __nine hells__ did __Gaara__ get involved with the insanity of the Uzumaki clan?

(Although, he __did__ see the advantages of doing so. Hatake Kakashi was actually more focused now that his 'kawaii genin' were in danger, and Kiana-san [though according to the Sandaime, Kiana was not a jounin, but since she was an Uzumaki it was probably better to leave her alone] was also quieter. Neither of them were acting as weird as they had earlier. Plus, from what he heard, the Uzumaki were loyal to a fault. Or maybe that was fake, because he'd also heard that the Uzumaki were one of the sanest clans out there...)

The Sandaime looked at Baki, confusion in his gaze.

"Didn't your genin use his sand to kill three teams?"

One from Ame, one from Oto, and one from Kiri.

"Yes," Baki sighed.

"So why is he helping that team?"

Baki shrugged, at a genuine complete loss. He had no clue at all. Gaara usually killed indiscriminately - but then, Baki had had to press upon him the importance of passing the Sanity Measurement so he could get to the final round.

Baki could do nothing more than watch as the small group traveling started in the direction of the tower - and, unknowingly, in the path of the Taki team, which also had the jinchuuriki of the Nanabi on it.

~:~

Fuu kept walking, both scrolls tucked securely in her possession. She and her team (well, her, mostly...) had come up with the idea of putting __four__ Taki teams in the race. At least one of the teams had to get the opposing scrolls, right? (Well, being known as the 'Lucky Seventh Jinchuuriki' had also helped. The fact that __nobody__ had seen her create the teams was luck, as was the fact that there were only __two__ scrolls that needed to be taken...)

So, after popping them, they'd taken the scrolls and had continued on their way, Fuu randomly picking a direction and walking.

Yes, __walking.__ Not doing shinobi jumps or anything.

She had a feeling something was going to happen, and she wanted to __be there when it did.__

They marched onwards.

Sand particles fell, catching her attention. She looked up... And promptly sprouted wings to fly up there.

"Wait for me at the Tower entrance, guys!" she called to her team. "Hey, Ichibi dude! Wait up, I wanna talk to you!"

The Ichibi holder stopped in midair. His companions, two redheads, were breathing hard and looked quite grateful for the pause.

"I'm Fuu!" she introduced. "Who's the girl you're holding? Who are they? Who are you?" Fuu fired off question after question. "Where do you live? Is the reason you have sand manipulation because of the Ichibi?"

"Oh, you're a jinchuuriki, too?" the redhead with the glasses asked.

Fuu nodded, beaming. "Yep!" she said cheerfully. "You?"

"No, the girl in his sand is the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi," the redhead without the glasses (Technically she was a __pinkette,__ but... Whatever, right? Fuu didn't care.) said gruffly.

Fuu eyed the pasty-looking girl in his sand.

"Are you sure she isn't dead? She looks kind of dead," Fuu noticed.

"She's not dead," the Ichibi jinchuuriki spoke in a bored tone. "She's unconscious. We really should get her to the Tower, in case she __does__ die. I don't want to carry a dead person."

"See?! She's __not__ dead!" proclaimed the redhead with the glasses.

"I said she __looked__ dead!" the one without the glasses cried.

Fuu liked this group, she really did. She wondered if Shibuki would be too opposed to letting them visit Taki.

~:~

Fuu spotted her team at the Tower, a grin on her face.

"Let's go!" she skipped into the room, pulling out the scrolls. Pushing chakra into them, Shibuki appeared. "I thought you back in Taki, nii-san!" Fuu said, hugging her older brother figure.

"The Sandaime asked me to stay in case you made it," Shibuki replied with a grin. "I watched your team - nice job."

Fuu beamed more. "Thanks!" she said, hugging him more.

"Now go rest up, I'll talk to you later," Shibuki promised. "I'll be here when you get to the Leaf Inn."

He hugged her back, then waved at her starstruck companions.

"Wow," her companion, Mebuki, said, her eyes wide. "You know the leader personally?"

"Yep," Fuu said, tilting her head with a closed-eye smile. "He's one of the few that actually like me."

She didn't see the flinches Mebuki and Suko gave.


	29. He Just Wanted Soup

Gaara didn't know what happened. One minute they were opening the scrolls, and the next he was shoved into a woman's chest, suffocating.

"Thank you, kid, for saving my daughter!"

"She's not your daughter, she's your niece!" Tayuya, as Gaara learned her name was, growled.

"I don't give a damn, Tayuya! You, Karin, and Naruto are now unofficially my children!"

Gaara's eyes were wide. He could feel the warmth coming from the woman, crashing over him like he was her own.

 _ _What is this feeling? Why am I letting her touch me?__

"I'll unofficially adopt you, too, kid, for saving Naruto." The woman holding him had affection in her voice. For __him.__

"I just brought the girl here," he said when he was __finally__ released. "I wanted some of that soup."

 _ _I didn't kill her because I know she has that soup.__

The woman smiled brilliantly. "Who gives a damn, you probably saved her."

She was being __honest,__ and she wasn't scared of his sand.

She went over and tapped Naruto lightly, then frowned.

"Are you __sure__ she isn't dead? She looks __super__ dead."

"I told you!"

"SHE'S NOT DEAD!" Karin screamed at Tayuya.

"No, she's still alive," Gaara assured the woman. "I can see her heart beating."

The woman grinned brightly. "Yay~"

Gaara looked at Karin.

"Can I have the soup now?"

~:~

Naruto smirked to herself. Orochimaru was a __terrible__ teacher.

He got impatient, and he was scared of the Kyuubi.

"Okay, so, one last question before I leave you alone," she said, not bothering to emphasize the 'I' part. "Will the actual __you__ get all the memories of this?"

"Obviously, I'm __part__ of myself," Orochimaru sniffed haughtily.

"Okay. Thanks for teaching me the techniques!"

She stood up and smiled and went to leave.

"Wait! You forgot the beast!"

Naruto paused, tilted her head, and turned.

"I said __I__ was going to leave you alone," she informed him with a psychotic smirk. "Not that __he__ would. It's cliche, but it works. Also, you __sucked__ as a teacher."

She left the gaping snake freak to gape and be a snake freak.

"You -"

She slammed the door to the main part of her mind and heard Kurama's cackles.

Yeah, she really should get out of there.

With that thought she saw a bright light -

"-I DON'T WANT TO DIE YET!" Naruto sat straight up, shocking everyone into stillness.

Including the white-haired guy currently standing over her with a seal.

"Oh, is that supposed to seal the curse mark off?"

The man nodded.

"Well, too late, sir. Kyuubi's taking care of the Orochimaru in there. He is a sucky teacher," she sulked. "Giving me the answers to __everything,__ including the handsigns on how to make Doton jutsus... Man, that was __lame.__ "

Silence.

She closed her eyes. __Kurama, estimated time of that seal vanishing?__

 ** **Actually, I was thinking about that. Why don't we use the seal for like a minute and see what it does?****

 _ _...No. I may be crazy, but unless you wanna lose your chew toy before your done with him, then the curse seal needs to go.__

 ** **Damn. Fine. Gimme another minute.****

Another minute passed, her eyes still closed.

And then pain shot in her shoulder, and she grasped it reflexively.

" _ _Damn__ it, that hurt!" she yelped, taking her hand off of it. The white haired man stepped out of the sealing configuration, and everyone in the room stared at Naruto.

"NARUTO!"

Kiana hurtled into the room and embraced her.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Calm down, Aunt Kiana! I'm fine!" she attempted to calm her down. "Kyuubi was just feeling a tad playful with the remnant of Orochimaru. Otherwise, I am absolutely __fine,"__ the preteen said with a grin.

"Naruto-chan," the Hokage addressed her. Naruto stiffened a little bit and her face became indifferent. "You say that as if you and the beast are... __Friends."__

"What can I say," Naruto said, tilting her head. "He hates all of you, but just __adores__ my clan. And me." __Right, furball?__

 ** **I hate you,**** the Kyuubi said with zero menace.

"Mostly me," Naruto added. "He likes being semi nice to me. It seems to take a monster to befriend a monster, ne?"

It was gratifying to see him flinch imperceptibly.

"What about the Uchiha?" Kiana asked, looking only mildly concerned. "I heard he was here."

"Sasuke got sealed by the hebi-teme?" Naruto growled at the thought of it. "I'll unseal it with Kiana's help."

"I thought you unsealed Tayuya's by yourself?" Kiana hissed as the Hokage acquiesced and led them to a separate room.

"That was different," Naruto whispered back. "I had your help then, too. Unsealing Tayuya was easier because I just threw a few seals together and hoped for the best."

Kiana facepalmed.

But she got her sealing supplies out, anyway.

"Might I join to make sure you don't screw up?" Jiraiya the Toad Sannin asked in a casual voice.

"The simple fact that you said that is enough to cause insult with the Uzumaki," Kiana said, paying zero attention to the Sannin. "Luckily, Naruto and I actually __can__ do this. Now, what seals did you use to counter the whole 'evil' aspect of that other seal?"

"Well, I assumed that it was being controlled by Orochimaru somehow, so I used an odd seal over an odd," she answered.

"Dangerous. But it might work. Let me see the seal, snake lady," Kiana ordered a shocked-looking Anko. "Then we can unseal Sasuke. I assume you have a seal - Orochimaru seems to like sealing people."

Anko looked at the Hokage, who nodded.

She shoved down the shoulder of her sleeve. The evil mark appeared on her skin.

"I think I used this and this," Naruto drew two pillars on the paper to keep the seal aligned as it needed. Her hand kept moving smoothly as Naruto finished the necessarily complicated seal. "This is what I had."

Kiana looked over it.

"Wow, this is the most complex seal I've ever seen in the last twenty years," Kiana said, impressed. "You learned a lot from Kazama."

"Mostly that stalker fangirls are bad," Naruto said with a smirk.

Kiana hit her arm.

Naruto chuckled, then sighed. "Let's unseal the bastard."

"Yes," Kiana smirked. "Anko- _ _chan,__ come here~" Kiana said in a sing-song voice.

"Aunt Kiana, you're creeping me out," the young kunoichi deadpanned. "Stop messing around and let's kill the fucker."

Kiana nodded - then leapt forward and slammed the seal on the mark.

Anko gaped, too bust staring at Kiana to feel any pain.

"Huh," Kiana said. "Does it scour the chakra system pain-free?"

Sasuke was led in, and one pain-free seal later, he was walking away with a grin.

Naruto smiled smugly. "I am __fantastic,"__ she boasted.

"Fuck you, bitch. You got nothing on me," Kiana said, lightning arching between heiress and member of the clan of crazies.

"Enough," the Sandaime sighed. "Let's just go into the Tower and Naruto, you rest for a while. You still have a few days."

"Very well, Sandaime-sama," Naruto bowed, her voice instantly going cold.

She vanished down the hallway.

"What did you do to piss her off?" Jiraiya asked his sensei.

The Hokage shot his student a dirty look, but didn't respond.


	30. Hatake Sakumo (2)

"That's, what, about ten teams out now?" Naruto asked curiously, once in their shared room.

"Three teams - Fuu's, Gaara's, and ours, made it out, but apparently Gaara likes killing people," Tayuya responded, "but I think about ten teams were killed by Gaara on the way here. There's no telling how many are left. I distracted him from the other Rookies and that team with the green jumpsuit guy that seems to hero-worship his mentor."

"He dresses worse than I do," Naruto commented.

"Thank you!" Karin said, hugging her cousin. Said cousin eyed Tayuya with a frown, and Tayuya rolled her eyes.

"Karin wants to get you new clothes," Tayuya said to her.

Naruto paled. "I like my orange!"

"No, we're getting you new clothes," Karin said firmly. "I wonder what color would be good on you."

"Blue and orange," Tayuya said, Karin gaining a thoughtful look at Tayuya's words.

"Huh," Karin said, looking a tad shocked.

"I love my jumpsuit!" Naruto cried.

~:~

Naruto blinked. Neji and Hinata... That reminded her... Nah, it wasn't too important right now. Now, if they were fighting each other, __then__ Naruto would tell him.

Yeah, but that was about as likely as one of the Hyuugas coming out on top.

Naruto decided to unseal a chair and relax, sipping tea with sunglasses on before it was her turn. Just __why__ Kiana had brought several chairs, pairs of sunglasses, and multiple bottles of tea, Naruto did not care.

"Ne, Kiana, did you bring ramen?" Naruto asked, her stomach rumbling. She hadn't eaten it in the past week.

~:~

Jiraiya of the Sannin looked at his sensei as several calls of 'Ita-daki-masu!' came from the big corner that had the members of the Uzumaki clan in it.

"Are they even taking it seriously?" he asked his sensei.

The Hokage sighed. "It's not as if I could ban ramen from the stadium. Apparently its their Holy Food. They __have__ to eat it at least once a week, and they start to get ill if they don't," the Sandaime said flatly.

Jiraiya wanted to see his goddaughter and her family. But he was rather unsure about approaching her since, according to the Sandaime, she was a highly-trained Tokubetsu Genin under Kakashi's tutelage.

And no matter how casual and hilarious the clan of Uzumakis were, Jiraiya had met a few of them before the Fall of Uzushigakure. In serious situations, they were definitely serious - so serious that the perceived notion of their clan being batshit crazy were dismissed by the enemy as they were taken seriously. However, at home and around family, the notion that the entire clan __was__ batshit crazy was proven. Only a few had been remarkably serious (and even then, Kazama had always been a little... Er, he couldn't say 'psychotic', because Kazama was a quite serious man when Jiraiya had met him briefly, but... Well, a bit __touched in the head__ because he'd bicker with his own thoughts, so, yeah.), and even __they__ had their problems. Kamido, Kazama...

Kazama, though, had died not soon after Jiraiya had met him in the Second Shinobi World War thanks to the Fall. And if his sensei hadn't even known about the psychosis of the clan they'd been allies with, then Jiraiya wondered why the Uzumakis __here__ were showing it.

But then again, the Uzumakis who had pretended utter sincerity while snickering like little kids in their heads... All of them were dead, with very few prisoners left.

"You know that time I went to Uzushio, sensei?"

His sensei turned to him.

"With Kazama-sama, Orochimaru, and Tsunade-hime?" he went on.

"Yes," the Hokage said with a slight frown.

"They were batshit crazy when they had no ninja arriving," Jiraiya revealed. "Kazama-sama told them that we'd be there for a month, and that while their politeness was noteworthy, they should just be themselves." Jiraiya smirked at remembering the silence, then the dissolving chaos. The polite clan had turned into one of the rowdiest and friendly clans ever to be seen.

"Winner: Hyuuga Neji!"

Oh, yeah, there was a match going on.

~:~

Naruto looked over, Hinata coughing up blood.

"Well, I guess I should tell them -" Naruto began, sitting up, but she was stopped by Kiana's smirk.

"You're going to win your round, right?" her scary mother figure said.

"Yes," Naruto nodded.

"Good, because if you lose to Kankuro, we'll kill you," Karin said in a poisonously sweet tone before bodily tossing her onto the ground. Naruto managed to save her precious Ramen from falling on the ground, and she slurped up a few more noodles.

"Hajime!"

She was about to drink the rest of the broth when the bowl shattered upon contact with a kunai, as it was a __porcelain bowl.__ Naruto didn't care that her lip was cut and bleeding, or that her entire face was soaked with ramen.

She heard Kiana gasp.

"Oh, __shit,"__ the white-haired man, Jiraiya, she thought his name was - said in a horrified tone as wisps of red chakra leaked from her body. Her eyes were blazing red, her anger clear on her face.

She slowly moved her eyes from the shattered bowl to the ninja she was facing's face.

Analyzing him, she spoke in an icy voice.

"One. Sip. Is All. I Had. __Left.__ ONE SIP! ONE SIP OF RAMEN, AND I WAS __DONE!__ NOW LOOK AT THIS, TEME! __YOU BROKE THE BOWL AND MADE ME SPILL WHAT'S LEFT OF MY RAMEN, YOU -"__ she broke off, snarling violently, her features going distinctly Kyuubi-like. But, instead of raking her sharp claws and destroying his body, Naruto held out her hand and summoned her father's invention.

"Take this, you teme! With this, I avenge you, ramen!" Naruto sprang forward. " _ _Rasengan!"__

Her hand broke through and hit...

...something that she broke through.

Leaping back, she frowned. There was a gaping hole in his body, but... No blood?

"Son of a __bitch!__ He's got no insides! He's a __zombie!__ "

Kiana facepalmed and threw her empty bowl with unerring accuracy, hitting Naruto in the back of the head and smashing the bowl to pieces.

"You __moron, he's a__ puppet!"

"Oooh," Naruto said as it dawned. "I'm such an idiot. Look, man, I'm sorry," she apologized to the puppet. "I'm just kind of angry. Ramen is sacred to my people."

"Who cares?" the puppet-man asked with a scoff. "That was a pretty flashly move there. Think you could do more flashy moves, kid?"

Naruto's left eye twitched. Violently.

A smirk appeared on her face.

"I can do many flashy moves, teme." She looked to the expectant jounin faces above her, then frowned.

 _ _Who -__ ah.

She closed her eyes.

"Hatake Sakumo," she said under her breath, focusing on finishing off his life. As she descended into the blackness that always occurred, Kurama took over and righted her.

~:~

Sakumo smiled at his son. "How are you doing?" he asked him. His son shrugged, his mask hiding his face.

"I'm doing fine," the kid replied quietly.

Sakumo sighed. "Kakashi."

"I'm fine," the kid replied stubbornly.

"You're not fine. You're angry."

"I'm not mad," the kid insisted. "I'm __fine."__

Sakumo frowned. Kakashi had been a little... Off, since he entered the Academy. Angrier. He glared at his father more often, and Sakumo wondered if it could be the whispers that were making his son like this.

He didn't know.

A mere month later, Hatake Sakumo ended his own life.

~:~

Naruto kept her eyes closed.

Her hands flew through the handsigns Sakumo had seen in his life. That Sakumo learned - unintentionally - off Kiri ninja.

"Kirigakure no Jutsu!"

Mist flooded the area. Since Naruto had __poured__ her chakra in it, mist blanketed the area.

Then, hidden by the mist, Naruto's hands flashed again.

"Suiton: Water Dragon!"

The mist collected, the water forming into a dragon, and splashing down onto the puppet user.

Kakashi snorted, then started laughing his ass off as Naruto's hands formed a rather familiar set of signs. Moving to fast for the naked eye, Naruto smirked, then plunged her lightning-coated finger in the water before moving back, again too fast for anyone to see.

Sasuke, though, had seen it, but he had ignored her hands. He wouldn't copy her jutsus. He was snickering to himself.

His annoying teammates, a loudmouth and a pink-haired banshee, looked at him funnily.

People looked at the two Sharingan users for a minute before they realized they had seen what she'd done.

A fire started.

"AH!"

The puppet-nin could only watch as his prized puppet was burned to a crisp thanks to water and well-timed lightning.

"I forfeit," the puppet-ninja said, then beating the fire off of the remnants of his puppet.

"Oh, puppet ninja~"

The puppet ninja and everyone watching looked at the strawberry blonde, who was giving him a rather sinister smile.

"You __ever__ interrupt an Uzumaki again, I will be forced to make sure your puppet... Or, I don't know, __you,__ don't survive."

She laughed in a sinister way.

Kankuro __fled.__


	31. Yahiko, Meet the Uzumakis

Naruto walked back up, her smile fixed to her face, until she reached Kiana, who she sat next to. On the ground.

"Why don't you go visit Nagato?" Kiana said. "I'll send a clone if you're needed back here."

"Okay," Naruto nodded.

She got up and walked out.

~:~

Nagato heard the door open, and when he peeked over the fridge, Naruto was standing there, looking a bit pale.

"Used the seal?" he asked by way of greeting.

"Yep," she said, but didn't elaborate. "I'm going to go study."

Nagato shut the fridge door.

"Who?"

"The rest of Hatake Sakumo's life," she said, nabbing a cookie and a biscuit from their respective jars. "It was... Well." She shrugged. "I'm going to my room."

Nagato knew something was wrong.

"Oh, there's a viewing screen in your room for the prelims if you want to see it. Mother had them installed," he told her.

Naruto nodded. "Thanks, Naga-nii!"

She hugged him, then walked out of the kitchen. The raised voices greeting her met Nagato's ears. Zabuza's unique 'hello, shithead' was heard. Another crash and the barrier above him rippled, suggesting that the former Kiri ninja had gotten his punishment. Nagato still didn't want to know how Naruto got a Hyoton user and a former Mist nin to join the clan.

He glanced at the nonexistent ceiling and sighed minutely. Barriers to keep out bugs and the nasty weather were fine and all, but the fact was that Nagato was tired of waking up every morning and seeing a blue sky.

Oh, wait. He __could__ make it rain.

With a mere thought, the sky had darkened, and rain pounded down on everyone.

He heard Naruto groan, but she said nothing.

Oh, that's right! When she was home it sucked __her__ chakra up.

Eh, as long as he didn't let it rain all night, she'd be fine.

With that thought, he went to his own room and laid down to check on Konan.

~:~

Konan glared at the men. This was too much. She had to play 'nanny' to three - Well, four, counting Tobi, if one counted the sentient skin that Obito-san wore - __grown men.__ Well, granted, she __was__ older than all of them, but seriously?

Deva Path entered the room.

Konan had come back after the Wave mission, when Nagato began walking again.

She looked at the Path angrily.

"I can't handle chasing three __children__ around all day!" she yelled at the Path.

"What's wrong?" Deva Path asked, tilting his head.

"THEY'RE GROWN MEN, BUT THEY'RE ACTING LIKE __CHILDREN!"__

"Oh," Nagato said, falling silent for a moment. "Then why not just clone yourself and get them into shape?" the Uzumaki asked her.

Konan scowled.

She had __not__ thought of that (she wouldn't tell Nagato that.).

Nagato's eyes suddenly widened.

"I am a damn idiot," he said, his purple eyes wide. "I need to go find myself a different body! See you!"

She stared at his retreating back.

"What was __that__ about?"

~:~

In Konoha, the rain ceased to fall on the houses.

~:~

"Rinne Tensei!" were the first words Yahiko heard as he began waking up.

His body felt... Well, in __shape,__ which was kind of weird, since he'd been __dead,__ but he opened his eyes and saw someone with his friend's eyes.

"...Nagato?"

The unfamiliar - oh, wait, he did look familiar, why did he look familiar?! - face smiled.

"It's me," Nagato in a different body said.

"Your hair is orange," Yahiko said flatly.

Nagato winced.

Yahiko sat up.

Four other people with orange hair stood in the room he was in, making him blink. Okay, this was getting a bit __too__ weird.

The door opened.

"Naga-nii, are you done yet? Aunt Kiana's - why does your Path have __normal__ eyes?"

Yahiko looked at the blonde, who had a __lot__ of red streaked through her hair, and then at Nagato, wide-eyed.

And __that's__ when he caught his reflection in a mirror. He mirrored his friend's Paths, all right.

" _ _The hell are all these piercings doing on my face?!__ And 'Path'?"

"Oh, you must be alive, then," the girl in the doorway said blandly. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto."

"Yahiko," Yahiko said with a swallow. He turned to his friend. " _ _Nagato, you better start explaining."__

Nagato sighed.

"You were dead, I made you into a Path of mine - meaning that I used your dead body as a conduit for my powers."

Yahiko felt very violated.

~:~

"Karin lost, Tayuya did, too," Kiana reported.

"I noticed," Naruto nodded. "I was watching the fights. Neither Tayuya _or_ you were trying to win."

"One Uzumaki in the finals is enough," Tayuya claimed. "Oh, and you're going against Neji."

" _FUCK!"_

"Is that bad?" Yahiko tentatively asked, ignoring Nagato's pathetic puppy eyes.

"Well, considering that his dad and my mom and dad all had a threesome on the night that conceived _me,_ it's going to shock him." Naruto had an 'ah-hah!' moment. "But wait, here's better news! I can just tell him to throw him off guard!"

"In the middle of your fight?" Kiana asked skeptically.

Naruto beamed.

Kiana nodded.

"Sounds like a _fantastic_ plan!" Kiana grinned. "Oh, and I managed to get full custody of you."

She showed everyone several bundles of paper (mainly referring to Tayuya, Karin, and Naruto - after all, they were the only ones whose Uzumaki parents weren't alive. But there was even one for Sasuke, who perked up a bit - he _finally_ had a family again).

Wisely, nobody asked just _how_ Kiana got the papers. Once the woman took charge, she _took charge._

"Does that mean that she's my sister now?" Nagato asked with a scowl, glancing at Naruto.

"Oi, I'm not that bad!"

"No, I think he's mainly referring to the fact you can be a huge dumbass," Kiana said dryly. "And clan head you may be, but you still have a lot to learn, young Grasshopper."

Naruto pouted, but then stopped when she noticed Yahiko staring around the table.

Bickering Jenny and Nina, Zabuza and Haku being lovey-dovey, the Paths standing around like guards, Tayuya, Sasuke, and Karin catfighting...

"You haven't been introduced to the insanity that is the reformed Uzumaki Clan, have you?" an amused Naruto asked Yahiko. Said man blinked at her, seeing Kiana and her look at him with identical faces.

"No," he admitted. "But I think I know who is who."

"We didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable," Kiana said gently. "I never fully introduced myself. I am Uzumaki Kiana, Nagato's mother by blood. When Uzu started to Fall I sent him to his aunt in Ame. I'd heard of the war, I went there, but it wasn't until Naruto-chan here that I found him alive."

There was a lull.

"It's nice to meet you," Yahiko said after a moment. "But... One question, Nagato. Is Konan dead?"

Nagato choked on his mashed potatoes (which in itself is almost an impossibility).

"No, she's looking after the Akatsuki base," he said without batting an eye after Naruto pounded on his back.

"Oh, so the Akatsuki are still alive?"

Naruto started to snicker as Nagato looked uncomfortable.

"Well... Ish?" he tried.

"Nagato..."

"Well,Ikindofmadeittowhereweweregoingtohuntdownandextractthebijuufromtheirhosts'causethat'swhatIthoughtpeacewasbutthenmymotherfoundoutsoIhadto _not_ dothatbecauseNaru-chan'smyclan'sheir," he mumbled.

Yahiko thought hard on interpreting his friend's words.

 _Well, I kind of made it to where we were going to hunt down and extract the bijuu from their hosts 'cause that's what I thought peace was but then my mother found out so I had to not do that because Naru-chan's my clan's heir._

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Yahiko shrieked, stopping all conversation and lunging at his friend. "You utter _idiot!"_

Naruto looked at her adopted mother.

"Should I stop him from strangling Naga-nii?"

Kiana nodded. Then, looking at them, shook her head.

"Nah, I wouldn't worry about it."

Naruto pulled them apart anyway.

"He didn't do it, so don't worry," she told Yahiko.


	32. Sabaku no Rasa (The Yondaime Kazekage)

The day of the finals dawned. And Naruto was still sleeping, five minutes before her match, when, by complete accident, Tora the cat raced into her bedroom window.

"ARGGGH!" The young Uzumaki heiress screamed as the cat landed on her face and woke her up.

Taking a peek at the clock, she saw that she had five minutes before her match.

 _ _Oh, I still have five minutes before my match.__

She rolled over.

Then she stopped and screamed.

"FIVE MORE MINUTES?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!"

Naruto tripped as she grabbed some clothes (unknowingly grabbing a mix of Karin's and Nagato's - Karin's small shorts, her shoes, and a blue shirt of Nagato's that was lying around, as well as a random family member's clean socks... Yeah, the apartment was kind of a mess), brushed her hair, teeth, did all her hygiene stuff (thanking her lucky stars she'd showered the night before. She grabbed the weapons and everything she needed, even Tora the cat.

She ran, the cat on her head and with her completely mismatched clothes, to the arena, two minutes late.

~:~

"Uzumaki Naruto is -"

"RIGHT HERE!"

Everyone looked at her. A blonde with red streaks in her hair, wearing a blue shirt and some tiny shorts. Her belt holding her supplies was hastily tossed on her, a pair of mismatched socks on her feet, quite visible from where she was standing. And... There was a cat, purring, on her head. __On her head!__

"Isn't that Tora?" someone asked.

"What's with the getup?" the friendly, yet sickly, Hayate Gekkou, said with a cough.

"I woke up late," the furious Uzumaki said. "By the way, Tora, you're such a good girl for doing that~" Naruto scratched the furball behind the ears in a loving manner. "Now go to Lady Shijimi, okay, sweetie?"

She set the cat down.

The cat sauntered through the arena, walking to the Daimyo's astounded wife. The Daimyo himself looked... Less than pleased.

"NARUTO! WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY SHORTS?!"

"FUCK YOU, KARIN! THESE SHORTS WERE THE ONLY THING I COULD FIND! I WOULDN'T BE WEARING THEM IF I HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE!" Naruto screamed at her adopted sister.

"NO, FUCK __YOU,__ NARUTO! YOU GIVE ME BACK MY -"

"BOTH OF YOU SHITHEADS SHUT THE __FUCK UP!"__ Tayuya screamed.

" _ _FUCK YOU, TAYUYA!"__ Both younger Uzumakis fired back.

"Enough," Kiana said, appearing next to Naruto and handing her the bowl of ramen. "Eat, and be made healthy," the wise woman said.

"What a bunch of morons," Nina sighed. But they were lovable morons.

Naruto drank the ramen, hugged her aunt/adopted mother, and turned to Neji as Hataye-san called for the match to begin.

"You will regret eating," Neji said coldly, his eyes turning into the Byakugan. Naruto smirked at him.

"You know, I need to say something, before anything actually happens." Naruto took out a piece of paper. She dangled the piece of paper in front of his face.

"What's this?" Neji deactivated the Byakugan.

"Turns out, technically I wasn't stealing anything that night, Hiashi-san!" Naruto grinned brightly at the suddenly horrified clan leader as he too took the paper Kiana gave him. "It was mine biologically, -ttebayo. My mom, dad, and your dad, Neji, had a threesome the night I was conceived. That means!" Naruto launched herself at him. "Neji-nii-san!"

Neji, not ready for her, slammed his head on the ground and blacked out.

"Neji-nii?" Naruto shook him as she realized he wasn't hugging back. "I think he knocked himself out," she said in slight concern.

"...So what, you're not a pure Uzumaki?" Hayate-san looked confused.

"Nah, the Hyuuga only took up two percent of my DNA," Naruto said with a shit-eating grin.

"Next match, Sabaku no Gaara and Uchiha Sasuke!"

Sasuke entered the arena, Naruto jumping up and landing in the seat Tayuya had saved her.

 ** **Kit, I think there's something that is going to happen.****

Naruto scanned the crowd.

 ** **Kage box.****

Naruto turned her blue eyes to it. Then Naruto saw everything in __brilliant__ detail - the pigment on the skin of the Kazekage, the yellow, snake-esque eyes -

 _ _Orochimaru! But... Where's the real Kage?__

 ** **I don't know... But the Suna kids are in the competitor's box.****

Naruto got up and dashed away.

She ignored her family's concerned calls and burst into the competitor's box.

"Temari-san!"

Temari turned to her.

"What is your Kazekage's name?"

Temari frowned. "Sabaku no Rasa."

Naruto nodded. "Sabaku no Rasa!" she hissed, and instantly, she was whisked away.

~:~

A Kage. A father. A husband.

Naruto cried when he ordered Yashamaru, who hated him, to test his only son. She gasped when she realized Chiyo was an idiot! A fool, for doing something like __that__ and thinking the boy would stay stable!

Temari. Kankuro. Gaara. And in the end, Rasa could only hope Konoha had enough wits about them to know that Orochimaru was not him.

~:~

Naruto stumbled, her eyes blinking, her entire body sluggish.

She knew, now.

"Temari-san, your father is dead," she gasped to the woman. "The kage in that box is __not__ your father."

The rest of the competing Genin looked confused.

Naruto saw Orochimaru move.

She did the only thing she could just as Sasuke began to charge up a Chidori.

She entered the match and stopped Sasuke from piercing Gaara's sand.

"...Naruto? What are you doing?"

"THE KAZEKAGE IS __OROCHIMARU,__ HOKAGE-SAMA!"

There was a deathly silence.

~:~

"What a ridiculous and baseless assumption." Orochimaru felt kind of nervous as his sensei turned to him slowly.

"I've never known her to make such high accusations without proof," the Hokage said. Neither of them noticed Kiana in the Kage box, a Kage Bunshin of her in the audience.

Orochimaru signaled for the invasion to start as a smirk twisted his face. "And yet, even __you__ couldn't figure it out, __sensei,"__ he mocked. He leaped out the window.

Feathers floated down.

~:~

Naruto fought against the rush of bodies in the stands, fighting to get to the top of the stands, the roof.

She saw the purple box made of seals, and she thought fast.

She took a deep breath and Kurama rose to the occasion.

Chakra exploded out of her, and she ran at the barrier.

She bounced off. A fine crack appeared.

Naruto took a couple steps back, and a single tail of Kurama's chakra came out.

She ran at it.

She looked at the idiotic ANBU watching her.

"You __morons,__ brute force will work eventually! Why d'you think Uzushio fell?!"

They pumped their chakra, but Naruto had a feeling that this wouldn't work unless they had two other jinchuuriki -

-she turned, her voice amplified, thanks to Kurama.

"GAARA! FUU! GET UP HERE AND HELP YOUR OLDER SIBLING!"

Sand brought the redheaded jinchuuriki up while Fuu dive-bombed the sealing array.

Cracks started to form. Naruto shouted at Kurama.

 _ _GIVE ME A POWER OF THE NINE TAILS!__

Kurama obliged. And Naruto's skin started to peel off as she mindlessly pounded the barrier.

It fell, but a new one, shining clearly, appeared.


	33. Tragedy in the Clan

**DON'T KILL ME FOR THIS CHAPTER. This, I am sad to say, was intentional since the beginning. Orochimaru is NOT the main villain - the Neo-Akatsuki are, obviously - but Orochimaru DOES play a big role in this story. Um, all I can say is I'm really sorry that this character had to go out like this.**

 **Seriously, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. Don't flame me, either - I don't accept flames.**

~:~

Kiana had simply been watching the Kages to make sure they didn't sabotage anything, especially not her adopted daughters. She'd had no idea that this was going to happen.

 _ _Naruto...__ Kiana finished painting the last of the symbols onto her body. __I don't think that losing the Sandaime for sealing Orochimaru's arms - when he could have them healed - is a good idea. I'm sorry. Orochimaru has his hands on dangerous information.__ She prayed that her adopted daughter was listening in the back of her mind.

She was making a deal.

The Shinigami looked at her. She hadn't fully summoned him - she would give her soul for the Shinigami to curse Orochimaru with the inability to use chakra. Ever. No more switches.

Her Kage Bunshin popped, and she gasped. Her father! Her father was alive.

He'd take care of Naruto. He'd guide her.

She finished the deal.

She walked out, the symbols on her skin standing out.

Orochimaru's mind was clinical. He remembered everything.

Kiana looked at Naruto and tapped her mind.

Naruto looked confused and lost as the chakra cloak around her began to fade.

Kiana smiled reassuringly at her.

The two kages before her stilled as her power pulsated off of her.

Slowly, they returned to their sarcophagus, and Kiana turned to Orochimaru and brought up the first two fingers of her left hand.

"Shinigami-sama, I call you."

And, like the Shiki Fujin, her soul appeared. It was payment to the Shinigami.

"The deal has been struck," the Uzumaki woman said, wincing a little as the shinigami's tug hurt her. "Shinigami, I implore you: Seal off his chakra network for the rest of his natural life and take my soul as recompense."

The Shinigami paused.

"Oh, it's not enough," the woman laughed breathily. "Hokage-sama, arms or legs?"

The Hokage seemed to immediately understand.

"Arms," he said after a moment.

His legs, instead were taken. He fell to the ground.

The Shinigami floated to the terrified Orochimaru, and one single touch to the forehead -

Kiana's soul was swallowed.

Her body fell to the ground, no longer in the land of the living.

~:~

Naruto didn't wait before darting over to her adopted mother.

She had to be alive. She __had__ to be.

The ANBU jumped to the Hokage, but Naruto could only hug Kiana's body to her.

"Mother!" Nagato jumped up, not prepared for Naruto's tear-drenched face.

"Kaa-san..." she whimpered.

"Mom..." Nagato knelt next to Naruto. "Grandfather!" he bellowed. "Grandfather, come!"

Naruto hugged her closer to her body.

~:~

It was a grim day.

Uzumaki tradition demanded that the body be carried to Uzushio, and the Uzumakis in Konoha, adopted and otherwise, started to make their way there.

Kiana's body was in a coffin. Each of the handles was taken up by her closest relatives - AKA Naruto, Nagato, Tayuya, Karin, and Sasuke (who had explained that Kiana had adopted him) and Yahiko (who had actually adopted Nagato as a brother). Even Konan helped. Two people to a handle, because the coffin was made of sturdy, solid wood and metal. Chiota, her father, walked along beside it.

And even Archie the little grasshopper sang sad songs.

The citizens of Konoha watched as the newly-arrived Uzumakis left with the children of Kiana, and when they saw Sasuke among them, they whispered.

Behind them, as moral support, Hinata was allowed to join the procession, standing next to Haku, Kakashi, and Zabuza. The group was grim-faced.

The procession continued through Hi no Kuni, gathering attention.

 _ _Uzumakis,__ they whispered. __They're carrying a body. They look so sad.__

Kiana had been loved.

~:~

Naruto watched dirt pile upon her adopted mother's coffin.

Naruto knew she had to say something, so she stood up when the kidnapped Fire Temple monk (Naruto didn't care about the possibly humorous way they'd kidnapped him) asked the gathered for speakers.

The Uzumaki assembly hushed.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto," the blonde said. "I'm part Hyuuga, part Uchiha, a lot Senju, and mostly Uzumaki." She paused. "And my mother, Uzumaki Kiana, was not my blood mother. My blood mother was Uzumaki Kushina. And she died when I was born."

Naruto took a couple minutes.

"About ten years ago - probably less - I met the Kyuubi that's held inside me. And I learned that despite his hard exterior and how pissy he could be, he was a great man - er, bijuu."

That got a couple weak chuckles.

Naruto sniffed a little.

"So, a few more years down the road, I was trying to make an alliance and the Kyuubi was like, 'gee, Naruto, let me have your body so I can sniff out some Uzumakis!'. Karin and Tayuya are __still__ frightened whenever I bring up that time, but I __know__ he couldn't have done anything __too__ horrendous."

"How do you know __that?!"__

"Because you're still alive," Naruto deadpanned to Tayuya. Then she readdressed the crowd. "Then, after we got to Konoha, we had some ramen - Karin and Tayuya for the first time - and we were arguing outside the Holy Food place. Ichiraku Ramen."

Nods of agreement came around the sniffling crowd.

"And then this weird, redheaded lady comes up, bops us on the head, and yells at us to stop arguing in front of the Holy Food place."

This got some laughs.

"I love Kiana, with all of my heart. She gave me something - and it was all of you." Naruto gestured to the crowd. "I may not know all of your names, and I'm thinking of you as the Redheads, because most of you are redheads, but you are Uzumakis if you're sitting here today. Thank you all, and Kiana, __thank you for everything.__ "

Quiet applause.

Chiota stood up, and Naruto sat down.

"I am Uzumaki Chiota," he said in a deep voice. "I should be dead now, but I'm not. My daughter is." He paused. "We have not been assembled like this since before the Second Shinobi World War. All of us Uzumakis, Uzushio natives, red hair, blonde hair, dark hair, adopted, or friends of the Uzumakis... All of us were called here again. In the ruins of our once great nation, with our leader once again among us - the reincarnation of Asura one of us - destiny has led us here."

Hinata choked, Sasuke quietly snorting.

Those that got it all fought to keep their amusement hidden.

"Kiana sacrificed herself to keep an evil man from finding out that Uzumakis do exist now. He may have slipped away, but we will eventually have our vengeance. Wait for him to die, and those of us still living can recall that and laugh and point a finger at him. But for now, we can grieve."

Nagato stepped up.

"The last time I saw Uzushio was when I was a child," he rumbled. "My aunt Nemi took me to Amegakure, where we were supposed to be safe. Instead, Aunt Nemi and her husband were killed. Imagine my surprise a few decades later when a blonde chick shows up in my mind, and I find my mother." He paused. "And I get to know her, and I get to know all of my clan. Something I longed for." He paused again. "Thank you, Naruto, for giving me my mother. And thank you, Mother, for asking her to see if I was dead."

He stepped off.

Tayuya was next, then Karin. All of them had their speeches, and Nina sobbed her way through her story about how she and Kiana were Kazama's stalkers, and how Kiana hadn't even known Kazama was married.

Jenny spoke of her, though less so than Nina, because Jenny hadn't known Kiana that long.

And finally, when the last pile of dust hit her coffin, Naruto stepped forward and began drawing a seal. It was to make the grave remained undisturbed by unnatural forces. Nobody would be able to revive her.

~:~

 **How Kiana summoned the Shinigami: The Uzumakis do _not_ have to use the Shiki Fuujin in this story. The Shiki Fuujin was mostly designed for (again, only in this universe) non-Uzumakis who had the chakra, willpower, and a good enough soul to use. Ergo, Minato died using it because he had the chakra, a good soul, and the willpower to give his own soul up for eternal torment in the Shinigami's stomach.**

 **The Uzumakis (ONLY IN THIS UNIVERSE) can summon the Shinigami using symbols painted on their body and the first finger and middle finger pointed toward the sky (like half of the Kage Bunshin sign that points to the sky) directly over their heart. Using the symbols, the Uzumakis can make a deal with the Shinigami. Uzumaki souls in this universe, if they're good enough, can warrant a deal _and_ a request.** **As for the Shinigami taking the Sandaime's use of his legs away, this is the Shinigami's slight morbid sense of humor coming into play. The Shinigami took the Sandaime's legs knowing he was going to chose a successor, but Sarutobi was going to have to do paperwork in the mean time. No way out for him.**

 **Like I said at the beginning: I was planning this. You'll see why later. My sincere apologies to those who liked Kiana's character.**


	34. The Attempt of Control

Naruto decided to leave Uzushio in December. She had stayed away from Konoha long enough, and even though she felt at home here, she knew Hinata needed to get home.

She needed to explain things to the Sandaime, anyway.

The duo left the island, Sasuke deciding to stay. He handed her all the paperwork he needed, his hitai-ate, and Karin and Tayuya had done the same. They had no desire to stay in Konoha.

And Naruto understood.

~:~

Naruto stepped in the gates, her face hard.

"Naruto!" Kotetsu, she thought his name was, scrambled to greet her. "I'm so sorry for your loss," he tried saying.

Naruto looked at him blankly.

Then she started walking again.

It was painful, walking through the market. People still shot glares at her, but it was different.

She walked into Ichiraku and sat down.

A bowl slid in front of her.

"On the house, kiddo," Teuchi said with quiet sympathy.

He didn't act like he knew her grief. Though he probably did, considering how old he was.

"Thank you," she whispered.

He smiled at her.

"Does it get better?" she asked, not seeing Haruno Mebuki sitting near her, probably listening in for some gossip. Or some other way to hurt the 'demon'. "Does the hole in your heart... The blockage in your throat... Does it go away?" She was aware of tears again sliding down her face, onto the counter. She snapped her chopsticks, and ate. Her grief haunted her, and she cried even as she asked for a second bowl.

One for her, one for Kiana. That's all she could stomach.

And then she wiped her face, offered the father and daughter a watery smile, and left.

Haruno Mebuki was haunted by her words.

~:~

Naruto entered the Hokage's office.

"Hokage-sama," she said, ignoring the three ninja in the room. "I've come to give you these."

She handed him the stacks of paper and went to leave, when she was grabbed and restrained.

By a shadow.

She struggled against it, her eyes spinning into the Sharingan she had.

But she could barely __twitch.__

"Inoichi. Do it now."

She canceled her eyes as the man in question came around to her front and placed his hand on her head.

She had no choice.

 _ _Kurama.__

Her mind shattered, splintering into millions of fragments.

Kurama roared.

~:~

Inoichi entered her mind, but rushed to get out of it. Her mind, in the few seconds it had taken him to get into it, had completely shattered.

"Her mind is... Broken," Inoichi said.

Her eyes were closed, and Inoichi opened a lid.

And recoiled.

They were red, and __furious.__ But the Kyuubi did nothing, only faded from her eyes.

"Well, she might be malleable now," the Sandaime said.

Inoichi shook his head.

"No. You can't. Release her, Shikaku."

Shikaku released her. She fell with a sickening thud onto the ground. A broken person's mind would be a blank slate. But hers...

"She shattered it on her own volition. I'm sure I could put it back together, but without the help of someone like Tsunade-sama of the Sannin, I'm not sure it would work."

"Then I'll go get her," Jiraiya said, coming out of the shadows. "The council said one of the Sannin should be the Hokage - you're getting old, sensei. So why not have Tsunade do it?"

"Good point. But make certain her mind is malleable for conditioning," the Sandaime instructed.

Jiraiya dipped his head.

Inoichi assumed he was as worried about the Uzumaki kid as much (if not more) as he was. The gaki had the misfortune to be the Kyuubi jinchuuriki, and all Kages had 'owned' them.

Naruto had been __scared__ when she'd looked at him, then determined. And then blank as he'd dived into her mind.

He didn't want to lose her - she was a good person.

And those were rare to come by. Especially now.


	35. Fixing What's Broken

Tsunade stared at the piles of money that was now hers. She normally didn't take it, but she had a feeling she'd need it.

She took it with a fake grin. She wondered if something bad had happened in Konoha.

Obviously, with this amount of money, something had.

~:~

Jiraiya slipped into the bar. There she was, drinking.

"Tsunade-hime."

Tsunade sighed and turned, an annoyed look on her face.

"What?"

Jiraiya's face was grim.

"Your granddaughter needs your help."

Tsunade broke the glass.

 _"What did you just say?!"_

~:~

Tsunade stared at the pitifully small form of the child under the hospital blankets. She looked bleached. And she was on life support.

"Take me in," she said. "I need to see the damage."

Inoichi nodded, and they were in.

~:~

It was like stepping stones. The shattered fragments of her mind were being held in a lock by the red Kyuubi chakra. Some pieces had been pieced together.

When they reached 'solid ground', they saw a half-formed being - Naruto herself - in sewer water. It was less than half a formed being - more like a head and half of half her torso. It was cracked, and even as they watched, some of the 'skin' peeled away to show nothing.

A hollow shell.

The hall that contained the Kyuubi was there, but probably because the Kyuubi itself had saved that piece of her mind, and that's why she was there in the sewer water. He was trying to preserve her very being, even as pieces cracked and floated out to the darkness that Tsunade and Inoichi had come from. Despite that, she looked to be unconscious, and if Tsunade hadn't seen a piece of her face float away and ignored the fact she was missing most of her spiritual body, she'd assume that the girl was just taking a nap.

The Kyuubi was sitting behind open gates - and that was alarming, at first. Until they realized that the Kyuubi was staring at them passively and not doing a damn thing to hurt Naruto.

 **"I allowed you in her mind, because I alone cannot repair the damage she did. The foolish child."**

"What did she do?" Tsunade demanded.

 **"None of your business, woman,"** the Kyuubi scoffed. **"I need use of your healing chakra. Place a hand on my tail."** The Kyuubi sent one of the tails towards her.

Tsunade grasped the tip of it, her green healing chakra finally coming to the forefront of her mind and to her hands.

Almost instantly, the Kyuubi seemed to glow. Its fur seemed to grow darker, and it seemed to grow larger as it took Tsunade's energy.

 **"Release my tail, female."**

Yin energy! That's what the Kyuubi needed!

The Kyuubi summoned a bijuudama, but it glowed green. Then blue.

And he shot it into the darkness. When it exploded, they saw what looked like a sunset at the end for a brief moment. Then the darkness once again swallowed it up.

 **"I need your Yin energy, human female. Otherwise I cannot heal her mind."**

Again, Tsunade touched his tail, and the fur kept growing darker every time he shot a bijuudama. And every time he shot into the darkness, the fragments of her mind came back together.

"Oh, my kami," Tsunade breathed as, weak, she saw her mind.

The Kyuubi's prison was a sewer, but it seemed to be a tunnel leading into a grassy plain with hundreds of colors and thousands of unnameable flowers, thousands of blades of grass... Her mind was beautiful. There were books almost carelessly scattered across the landscape - some of them thinner than others, the others thicker than the thickest book she'd ever seen.

"AH!"

They turned to see Naruto sitting up, cracks in her skin healing. While her mind had healed, it seemed that she had healed with it. Of course there would be side-effects, but right then Tsunade didn't quite know what they'd be. After all, she'd never dealt with a problem like this before.

 **"YOU FOOLISH CHILD! DO YOU HAVE** ** _ANY IDEA_** **WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE?!"**

Flinching back at the roar, Inoichi tensed as the Kyuubi shoved its face right in Naruto's.

"Yep, I could've died," she said flatly. "Ex _cuse_ me for not wanting to be _used_ like a _tool._ You've had enough of that, right, Kyuu?"

The Kyuubi _huffed._ " **I hate you."**

"Yeah, and that's why you have zero hatred in your voice." Naruto beamed at the Kyuubi and pet his snout.

 **"Stupid gaki. You do this again and I'll kill you,"** the beast grumbled. **"Also, Yami-you wants to play chess."**

"I'll play chess with him later," Naruto dismissed. "Give him my love!"

 **"Yeah, yeah,"** the beast rumbled, walking into the meadow. **"I'm taking a nap. Get the hell out."**

Naruto sent the Kyuubi a rude gesture.

 **"I saw that."**

Naruto rolled her eyes. "Later, Kyuubs."

 **"You're slowly getting on my final nerve!"**

Naruto turned and smiled crookedly at Inoichi and Tsunade.

"Let's go before he gets even more pissy," the young jinchuuriki said in a bright voice.

The three left Naruto's mind.

~:~

Naruto woke up, smelling something warm. Homely.

"Jiraiya, shut up! She's still sleeping!"

"Tsunade-hime -"

"No. We'll talk about this later. It was hard enough getting sensei to approve of her leaving. Never mind the fact that I'm going to be Hokage in a month, and she'll need to pretend that she's amnesiac!"

Naruto sat up.

She figured she'd start pretending then, as the blonde chick and Jiraiya turned to her.

"Who are you two?" she asked, tilting her head.

She fought to keep from smirking as Jiraiya paled.

"Naruto-chan, you don't remember me? I'm your -"

Naruto burst out laughing at his reaction.

But then, she sobered up quick. She looked at the blonde lady.

"I really don't know who you are."

"I'm Tsunade," Tsunade replied.

Naruto's jaw dropped at Tsunade's name.

"You're... Mito's granddaughter!"

Tsunade blinked. "I don't think I've had anyone connect me with her before. It's always 'you're the granddaughter of the Shodai Hokage'."

"That's because nobody knew Mito was a badass," Naruto huffed.

 _Kiana was one, too._

Her heart ached.

She missed Kiana. So much. It was such a suffocating pressure she felt like she was drowning - like she was getting closer and closer to dying herself.

 **Kit, we need to talk.**

 _Am I dying?_

 **No, you idiot. I need time to repair your mind. I also need your help doing that. So, you need to tell Tsunade that you'll be in a coma for the rest of the month she needs you to act amnesiac for.**

 _You used her name._ Naruto felt a little jealousy.

 **I used her name because she's someone important to you, Naruto.** Kurama sounded amused.

"Kyuu-kun says that -" She stopped, because Kurama had resumed speaking.

 **Tell them that you're a shitty actor when it comes to things like faking amnesia.**

"-that since I'm a shitty actor when it comes to things like faking amnesia, and the fact that he needs my help to repair my mind, that I need to spend however long you need me to in a coma," Naruto reported to the two in front of her. "It's a win-win."

"Except you will be in a _coma,"_ Tsunade repeated worriedly.

"I'm leaving Konoha anyway," Naruto said, her eyes becoming distant. "Uzushiogakure no Sato will rise again."

Naruto laid down again, sleep tugging at her eyes.

"I'll wake in about a month or so," Naruto said after barely managing to contain a yawn. "Or after I fix my mind."

She slipped into the darkness of her own mind.

~:~

"What, exactly, do I need to help you with?" Naruto questioned Kurama seriously.

 **"I need your help putting the rooms back where they belong."** Kurama looked troubled. **"Since you were an idiot and shattered your own mind, who knows what's missing."**

"Will you know if it isn't there?" Naruto asked wonderingly.

 **"Yes,"** the bijuu said. **"I know your mind quite well."**

Naruto suppressed an urge to sigh. Then she sighed. Heavily.

"Let's just get this over with. I want ramen when we're done here."

Together, bijuu and human rebuilt Naruto's mindscape.


	36. He's Alive! How Strange

**All the credit for this chapter idea goes to academysscholar314 - thank you so much! Great thanks to my readers, and thank you for waiting so long! Without waiting any longer, here's the -**

 **Changes!Naruto: angelslaugh-san does not own Naruto. Sadly. If she did, three versions of me would exist. And I would crush them.**

 **angelslaugh: Naw, I think this Naruto would crush you. Since you don't have the Rinnegan.**

 **Changes!Naruto: Neither does this one.**

 **angelslaugh: Not _yet._**

 **Changes!Naruto: But -**

 **angelslaugh: You get a _reverse harem._ This one doesn't. Now be quiet and go back to your own story.**

 **Changes!Naruto: It's not over ye - *vanishes***

 **angelslaugh: Onto the story!**

~:~

Tsunade sighed. If Naruto left the village... She had an idea, all of a sudden. Why not, when she's Kage, have a joint exchange program? Or... They could also live in Konoha while Uzushio was rebuilt.

Ah, she missed the Uzumakis. She'd known of their insanity a LONG time before Jiraiya and Orochimaru had known of that. It was easy to say that she'd been included in their festivities, but she had only been invited to one, and that was a night she'd rather forget.

Huh, maybe all her drinking issues came from that night...

She shuddered violently at the thought of such a dark night. Her grandmother had said it hadn't even been __that__ bad, but she was still traumatized by it!

She got ready for the day.

~:~

Naruto was still in a coma on the day of her inauguration, and Tsunade powered up the ancient Senju seals that littered her property.

"This will keep out unwanted intruders," explained Tsunade to Jiraiya. "If someone manages to slip past and into the room, I'll know. I have to keep her safe."

"I know," Jiraiya said gently. "I know, __hime.__ Right now, let's get you in office, and __then__ you can think up ways to keep her safe. Okay?"

Tsunade turned and enfolded Jiraiya in a hug.

"Thank you," Tsunade whispered. "But why... Why have you been helping me so much?"

Jiraiya sighed deeply. "I am loyal to the Leaf," he said after a moment. "I came when sensei called. You know that even I can't stand up to him when he makes his mind up about something - I didn't even realize what he was going to do to her. He wasn't acting for the Leaf, he was acting like someone who had his own agenda like Danzou. That isn't what the Leaf needs. What the Leaf needs is someone who knows what it's like to sacrifice a lot."

Tsunade bit her lip.

"I don't want to sacrifice my granddaughter," she finally admitted to Jiraiya.

Jiraiya hugged her again. "And that's why I'm helping you, __hime.__ I won't let her break again. I won't."

Tsunade relaxed in his arms.

~:~

That night, while Tsunade took to the desk, the teenage clan leader woke up, her mind healed. Or as healed as it could get.

After all, she __was__ an Uzumaki, and they did come with slight mental issues.

(Slight being an understatement.)

She chose to exit the room, and, upon seeing a pool outside, decided to get wet.

Yes, it was an idiotic thing to do. But she hadn't swam in a while. Plus, she felt that was what she needed.

She created two Kage Bunshins, and instantly the three started messing around. Inside the pool. At night. At a stranger's home. The night was strangely silent, especially for Konoha.

And then, she was swimming, her bunshin relaxing and watching her swim, when one popped while she was underwater. She gasped, then surged upward for air.

"Foolish demon, you think that you're going to get away that easily?"

 _ _Civilians? What were they - how did they get in without me noticing their -__

One jumped in like a shinobi, and Naruto opened her mouth in fear.

"No - stop -"

She tried to haul her ass away.

But then one grabbed her and shoved her bodily underwater.

Perfect opportunity.

She refused to let Kurama out, even as her eyes stung and the civilian glared at her with blank eyes -

 ** **Genjutsu!**** Kurama crowed. Then, ****But that's not going to help you, kit. You're running out of air.****

That, sadly, was true.

Wait...

 _ _Kurama, the glazed eyes, the silence of Konoha... We're in a genjutsu. I think, to get out of it, we__ need to __die.__

Kurama growled, but acquiesced. She fought anyway, panicking a lot, thrashing as she really felt like she was __going to die__ -

~:~

"There. I was able to put her under a very high-leveled genjutsu," a lavender-eyed male said. His eyes had no pupils, but he was far from a Hyuuga, though he had the eyes of one. His partner, the fishlike Hoshigaki Kisame, grunted.

"Rikku-san, maybe you should stop. You still haven't adjusted to the eyes, and you __were__ technically dead until a few months ago, so really, you __should__ rest," Kisame said.

The eyes snapped to him.

"I am not resting until Konoha __burns.__ For destroying my entire clan."

"Which would be what?" Kisame snorted.

"The Uchiha," the formerly dead Uchiha snarled. "For the deaths of Itachi-kun, for Sasuke-kun."

"Sasuke and Itachi are __alive,__ you dumbass. And what's your name - holy __shit,__ you're __Shunshin no Shisui!"__

The two shinobi turned to the bed and saw nothing, but then looked to the open window and stared frantically everywhere.

"Yoo-hoo!"

They froze and turned.

"Seriously, though, how are you __not__ dead?" a very much __not__ genjutsu'd person said.

Shisui glared at her.

"I'll rectify my mistake," he said coldly.

"I'm serious," Naruto said, looking very serious. "You __drowned.__ How are you still alive?"

Shisui stilled. "How the hell did you know that?"

Naruto shrugged and leaned against the doorway.

"The same way I got these." Her eyes closed, and when they opened, the Sharingan swirled in her eyes. "Huh. I never noticed this." She frowned, looked a little cross-eyed, and a Mangekyou spun into existence.

 _ _His__ Mangekyou.

"I'm sorry, but I can't let anyone know I have these eyes," she said, not looking at Shisui. Her Mangekyou eyes spun, and Kisame collapsed. "Huh, cool. Thanks, Kyuubi."

The young Uzumaki stood up straighter, looking him dead on.

"Now," she said, her voice full of authority, "you and I are going to have a little __chat.__ "

Shisui blinked.

"Look, gaki, I don't know what you've been smoking, but the Uchiha clan is __dead."__

"Itachi-san isn't," Naruto said flatly. "Sasuke isn't. Obito-san isn't."

Shisui frowned at her.

"Look, I know you're angry, okay? But you actually have more family than __just__ Sasuke and __just__ Itachi. You have another clan that is yours if you want it. We're crazy, insane, but I think you'll like it. You'll get to see Sasuke-nii-san and Itachi-san - well, I still haven't officially met the guy yet, but I bet since Sasuke's now my brother, he wouldn't mind if I called him nii-san, what do you think? Oh, wait, that's off topic. Most likely you'll get to see Obito-san, too, oh! And Kakashi's a clan member!"

Shisui could barely keep up with her rambling.

"-and then there's the ramen law, you'll have to eat ramen, and not pet purple unicorns, but that's another matter entirely -"

Shisui yawned a little. Does this kid ever __shut up?__

"-grandmother is married to another woman in the clan, but that's because Uzumakis are gender-twisted usually, that's al -"

"Grandmother? Whose grandmother?"

She gave him a look that indicated she thought he was an idiot.

"Yours, moron," she said as if it were obvious. "Jenny's been wanting to meet you."

"My father said his father gave him up," Shisui said, glaring at her with those eerie Hyuuga eyes.

"Uchiha Kagami was your grandfather, man. Uchiha Setsuna your dad. Uzushio was highly overpopulated, so most non-Uzumakis were sent off the island. Sadly, I think that Uchiha Kagami thought it best if he sent your father to Konoha because he would be accepted into the village as a random Uchiha kid," Naruto replied.

Shisui sneered at her. "You don't know me."

"Your favorite color is blue. You like grapes. You __like-like__ Itachi-san." Naruto paused. "You called Sasuke ' _ _bakemono-chan'.__ You adored your cousin Izumi, but was also really jealous of her because she was Itachi's little girlfriend, not yours."

With every word, Shisui grew paler.

"And when you died, it was with a last regret that you never told the oblivious teen how you felt."

Naruto kept talking.

"You watched over me as I grew up, forced not to interfere too much by the Sandaime's law. You gave me a stuffed teddy bear when I was three, only to have it taken away from me as the orphanage dictator was a really twisted woman, and you were there when I first used the seal that is the reason I have your Sharingan eyes and the knowledge of what you like, what you called Sasuke, how you're in love with Itachi, and I felt every emotion like I was __you,"__ she told him, not moving away. "I am the granddaughter of Uzumaki Kazama, and I have inherited his knowledge. Believe me, sometimes I wish I hadn't, but I did. Want me to prove it more, __Uchiha Shisui?"__

Shisui hesitated.

"No," he said at last. "No. You don't need to say more. Just let Kisame go, please."

Naruto nodded, then dropkicked the fish man out of the house.

"Let's go see the Hokage. I think you might want to take off your slashed headband and maybe put on a couple dozen __henge__ layers."

"I only have the chakra for three layers," Shisui replied with a small pout.

"Oh," Naruto said, disappointed. "That's okay!" she said with a fake grin. "We could just -"

The front door opened.

"-Shizune, go check on the gaki, would you? I swear I felt the briefest fluctuation in the seals."

"Tsunade-san! I'm awake! And there's a guest! He used to be dead, but it's not really a worry any more since he's part Uzumaki!" Naruto called back.

There were three footsteps.

Naruto turned to Shisui with a small pout.

"By the way, that genjutsu wasn't nice. I've had to deal with drowning once, I really wouldn't like to experience it again."

Shisui frowned. "How, exactly, did you 'deal with drowning', and how did you get __my__ Mangekyou Sharingan?"

"She got the Sharingan because she watched Karin nearly die."

Naruto whirled around to see Tayuya standing there.

"As for the Mangekyou... What's a Mangekyou?"

"I got the __Mangekyou__ Sharingan?!" Naruto squeaked, her voice high-pitched.

"Probably because you watched... Kiana... die," Tayuya said with a sigh and slight pauses around Kiana's name, "if I know anything about the Sharingan and how you awoke it."

"How did you get in the house?" Tsunade asked, looking between Shisui and Tayuya.

"I followed Naruto here," Tayuya responded with a grunt. "So did Karin. She's at the apartment, by the way."

"Oh." Naruto looked like she felt really awkward as she turned to Shisui once again. "So, will you be Rikku or will you be Shisui? And do you want to meet your grandmother?"

"Shisui? As in __Shunshin no Shisui?__ The guy you used the seal on?" Tayuya asked, amazement in her voice. Then her face changed and she nodded. "Oh, that must be how you accumulated his eyes."

"Oh," Naruto said, her voice quite small.

"But how is he even alive?"

"I don't think the seal accounts for 'he's dead for more than a few hours' type of thing. Hizashi-san was only dead for about an hour," explained the teenage heiress.

"What are you talking about?" Tsunade asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are you talking about the books in your mind?"

Naruto lit up. "Yeah! See, I used a seal that corresponds to Uzumaki blood -"

"My head hurts," Shisui suddenly said. His head __did__ hurt. "Can we focus on the whole 'I have a family now' thing?"

Naruto gave him a serene smile and patted his arm.

"It's okay," she said. "I was kind of shocked, too."


	37. Back to Uzushio With Not-Dead Shisui

UZUSHIO

Sasuke was helping one of the Uzumakis lift a pile of stone when there was a call.

"THE HEIRESS IS BACK, EVERYONE!"

And, everything was stopped, including the food, as everything but the ramen was dropped and discarded.

A month. Sasuke had been quite mistrusted at first, but he'd saved the older Uzumaki man named Kikion, and he was now Sasuke's biggest fan.

He hurried to see Naruto standing there. And of course, she couldn't be normal and run up to them.

"OI, IS JENNY AROUND?! I'VE GOT SOMEONE TO GIVE TO HER!"

"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT A SLAVE, NARUTO!" Jenny yelled back with a slight smile.

"IT'S NOT A SLAVE, JENNY! IT'S SHISUI! YOUR GRANDSON! APPARENTLY THE SEAL DIDN'T TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT HE WAS REVIVED A FEW MONTHS AGO, -TTEBAYO!"

Jenny beamed and raced down. "YOU REALLY DO LOOK LIKE YOUR GRANDFATHER! EXCEPT THE EYES!"

"HIS EYES WERE TRANSPLANTED INTO HIM BECAUSE WHEN HE DIED HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY!" Naruto yelled back to the woman right next to her.

Sasuke started running.

Lavender eyes met his, and he nearly stopped, but didn't. It really was Shisui, looking past the eyes.

He raced forward faster.

"Bakemono-chan!"

He ignored that and hugged the older Uchiha.

"Shisui!" he was grateful to have Shisui here. "Are you really half-Uzumaki?"

"I told you he was," Naruto grumped.

Sasuke ignored her.

"Apparently I am," Shisui said, wide-eyed.

"Naruto-sama."

Chiota appeared. There was a rolled up scroll, and Naruto instantly recognized it, by the light in her eyes.

"This did not work when my daughter used it, because you are the Uzukage-slash-queen of our people," the man rumbled. "Let us lead the Uzukage-slash-queen to the castle, and let her use the seals of our people to Call to those who have Uzumaki blood running through their veins!"

A cheer exploded.

"Let us all announce the rebirth of the Uzumaki people!"

Another resounding cheer exploded.

~:~

Naruto unrolled the scroll. In the center of the swirling, inky lines, the Uzumaki swirl stood out proudly.

Naruto sat in the middle of it, on the Uzu swirl. Outside the piece of paper, a matrix of seals shone as she sat down, gleaming briefly.

She cut her hand, and it soaked into the scroll. The Uzumakis assembled.

And Naruto pushed as much chakra into it as she could.

Light blazed out.

~:~

Tsunade jolted from what she was saying, feeling a tingling in her body, urging her to listen.

She was in a meeting with the Elders, but she completely ignored them for a moment.

 _ _Come home. Come to Uzushiogakure no Sato. I, Queen of the Uzumaki, request it.__

 _ _COME HOME.__

 _ _All of you lost, all of you broken -__

 _ _Come. Come home.__

It filled her mind, asking her to come, help rebuild the village.

And her window frosted over, cutting off the Elders' tirade. A single symbol etched itself on the window, and it was the Uzushio swirl.

 _ _We are alive.__

And then the symbol melted away, and the silence of her own mind returned. Tsunade gasped and breathed heavily.

And then she scowled and calmed. She snapped her fingers.

The entire office was alive with seals. Tsunade was actually quite amazed. She'd never been that adept at them, but the whispers had made her... Aware. And she'd spilled blood for the sake of the village.

And she knew these elders had done the same. She'd read Nagato's submitted report - Sarutobi-sensei had been quite misguided as he'd tried to shove it down. Deep down.

Besides, these seals seemed to recognize her.

"Do not stop me."

All her ANBU and the three in front of her were instantly rigid. Her wording was vague, but her grandmother had been excellent in seals.

"Sarutobi-sensei was lenient. My great-uncle, Tobirama, instituted an Elders' Council and a Civilian Council." Tsunade turned to the retired shinobi, who were pale. Even Danzou. "I am Senju Tsunade, and I am your Kage now. I may have been elected by you, but I will not bend to you." She glared at them. "Now. ANBU. I order you to execute Shimura Danzuo. Release the loyal ANBU."

Three of four ANBU were released.

Tsunade faced Danzou.

"For the crime of stealing Sharingan eyes, continuing ROOT, and the pre-emptive deaths of every Uchiha aside from Uchiha Sasuke and Uchiha Itachi, you are to be executed as a traitor." She scrolled these words out on a scroll and stamped the official document. "Also, the advisory and civilian council are hereby relegated to __advisory__ positions. They will have no official say in the matters of the village." Tsunade glared at them, and they quailed, their eyes shifting to look at the burning remains of Danzou's body. "And as for you." Tsunade turned to the ROOT nin. "Let's have a little __chat."__

Her slightly crazy smile didn't ease anyone's nerves.

~:~

Naruto blinked. She was still in the seal, most likely having fainted because of chakra exhaustion.

Seeing everyone else unconscious, she wondered just __what__ had happened.

And that's when she realized that it was the new year. Had been for almost a month now.

A sneaky grin played upon her mouth -

 ** **Get out of the seal first, you stupid idiot,**** Kurama sighed.

She sighed and got off carefully. Her body felt weighted.

 _ _Maybe it's not too good of an idea,__ she thought.

 ** **Your mind's not going to shatter like it did last time. Last time you tried poking into**** ** _ _ **my**__** ** **mind. Any mind would be safer than mine. Ooh, you wanted to do Madara, right? How about, before him, you try someone else's?****

 _ _Is it going to result in me screaming in agony?__

 ** **I don't know. Possibly?****

Before she could say anything back, the door creaked open.

"Do you have any more of that soup?" Sabaku no Gaara asked in a bland tone. "I'm hungry."

Naruto tripped over her feet, slamming onto the ground, too tired to hold her body up.

She burst out laughing for no reason. She just felt really lightheaded.

"Hey, Gaara!" she said chirpily. "How's life?"

Gaara only sighed and walked in. "Life is... Boring."

Naruto nodded sympathetically.

"I know."

Gaara eyed her necklace.

"Where did you get that?"

Naruto touched it. "It was a gift from the Hokage so that our nations could once again be allied." It really had been. "I'm going back every couple of months, just to see how Tsunade-baa-san is. What are you doing here?"

Gaara's teal eyes roamed around the hall.

"I don't have anywhere else to go."

Naruto stood up clumsily.

She walked across the seal, and she hugged him.

"Yes, you do."

~:~

Kakuzu of the Akatsuki ignored Kisame's whining. And everyone else. He was glaring at a recent photo of the Kyuubi jinchuuriki.

Going after the Nibi or no, there was a reason every person who had worn that green necklace had died.

The book tightened, and then he snapped it in half and stood up.

He ignored the sudden silence and stalked out, the page buried in his fist.


	38. Ghost of Leader Past

__Second Shinobi World War__

"Get the children out first!" Uzumaki Kazama ordered, blocking the child in his mind from seeing the gruesome bodies of both his clan and not. The medics did as ordered, sealing the tunnels behind the frightened children.

Not even Kazama's personal stalkers hesitated or acted stupidly as another assault rocked the island.

He was an old man, now. Older than he had a right to be.

"Kagami, my friend," he said to the silence in the chaos, "I think that I'm going to die here."

His wife, a woman who was an Uchiha and given the blessing of the Uzumaki longevity, stood next to him, her Sharingan eyes spinning and memorizing as people evacuated.

And then, silence. No children cried. Those standing as the final assault's forces felt the tremors.

Kazama focused.

He reached deep inside himself and felt the island itself crying in pain.

And he felt an __inhuman__ presence.

And he was frightened (a little bit). He turned to his wife and stalkers (of whom he __still__ didn't know the names of, oh, yeah, wait... No, he really didn't know their names).

"My love, run," he ordered. "You five, run."

His stalkers did as they were told.

"Wait, stalker-sans!"

They were instantly looking up at him with wide, starry eyes, and despite the utter seriousness of the moment, Kazama allowed the ghost of a smile to cross his lips.

"Get this lady somewhere safe."

"Hai, Kazama-sama!"

They carted his wife out, despite her yells, pleas, and curses.

Kazama ordered everyone else to evacuate, too.

When the room was empty, he sensed the seals were finally unraveling without the presence of hundreds of Uzumakis. And the island was bombarded.

He sat on the throne, watching it fall.

And then there was a black blob.

He watched it, hardly impressed, as it unfolded, two yellow eyes- completely yellow, unlike human eyes - the only color it had.

"Hi," Kazama said, as rubble appeared. He stopped shielding the child in his mind. He grinned as the blob smirked.

 **"** ** **You will die here."****

"Yep," Kazama said cheerfully. "I know."

His people were a threat.

He felt nothing but true amusement as he died.

~:~

Naruto gasped awake.

 ** **Kazama died here in Uzushio. Remnants of his soul would still be here as well.**** Kurama sounded amused.

 _ _Like a ghost?__ Naruto chuckled.

Kurama snickered and her smile dropped as she felt a chill.

She turned. And there the ghost stood.

"...hi?" she offered.

Uzumaki Kazama stared at her for a moment. _"_ _ _You're the gaki who was in my mind?"__

"Um. Sorry?" she offered weakly.

 _"_ _ _Che. I'm sorry about earlier, I was kinda bored. Projecting. Man, I wish I had my therapist."__

"Your... Therapist."

 _"_ _ _All Uzumakis had a designated therapist until they were an adult,"__ Kazama sagely informed her. _"_ _ _But I'm not here to talk to you about that. I'm here as a one-time thing to offer advice."__

"I don't know anything about leading an entire clan." She looked at him, her worry clear. "I don't really know what to do."

 _"_ _ _I didn't, either,"__ Kazama agreed. _"_ _ _And I lived for a long time. Older than normal humans. We pretend in the face of others that we are not insane because of their own idiotically short lives, they cannot handle the truth of the matter. When you live as long as we do, being true to ourselves is something that we cannot stop doing."__

"Is that what you were doing when your seal was painted on my apartment ceiling in Konoha?" Naruto demanded angrily.

Kazama looked surprised. _"_ _ _It's still there?"__

"It __was__ you, then," Naruto grumbled, surprised the apartment had even lasted this long. "And no, we kinda had to knock the ceiling out. Kiana didn't want Tayuya or Karin to have to deal with the fact that they couldn't say a name of a person without gaining their powers and their memories."

 _"_ _ _Huh. Cool."__ Kazama looked briefly happy about that. _"_ _ _Do you know anything about my wife?__ "

"I didn't even realize it was possible she was alive," Naruto admitted.

 _"_ _ _I was a few hundred years older than her,"__ Kazama deadpanned. _"_ _ _There's no reason she should be dead."__

"Point," Naruto acknowledged. "But I have no clue on __how__ to find her."

Kazama frowned. _"_ _ _She's an Uchiha."__

"If she went back to the clan, she's dead," Naruto said, pushing away the pang that the word 'dead' brought to her. "The clan was entirely decimated... Well," she amended. "Almost." Aside from Shisui, Itachi-san, Sasuke, and Obito-san (who was, according to Nagato, going to therapy to deal with his issues). "If she went back to Konoha -"

 _"_ _ _I wasn't talking about Konoha,"__ Kazama said in exasperation. _"_ _ _There's an Uchiha settlement not far from where Konoha lies. I'm not surprised they don't know about it, really. It's not an 'Uchiha' settlement, exactly, more of a retreat for Senju and Uchiha. And Uzumaki. If you used the Call, then Korra will come."__

"I used the call," Naruto nodded. "Are you... Is your daughter..." Naruto cleared her throat. "Was your daughter Uzumaki Kushina, and was she sent to Konoha on request by Lady Mito?"

Kazama gave her a dry look.

 _"_ _ _You're the clan heiress. Yes, you idiot. Uzumaki Kushina was my lovely daughter. I regret not telling her that I loved her with all my heart."__ His regret was clear on his ghostly face. _"_ _ _But onto different - your hair. It's__ blonde."

"I'm well aware," Naruto said defensively. "But every time I use the seal, it gets more red."

As a matter of fact, every time she used __any__ seal her hair had gathered red in it. From what she recalled in her father's mind, she'd time-traveled backwards with red hair, which only meant that A) it was recent, because she could hardly crack a smile now because she'd __had__ Kiana, and B) Kazama was possibly going to make her hair red.

Somehow.

 _"_ _ _That won't do. Every leader of the Uzumaki__ has __to have red hair! It's -"__

"I'm part Hyuuga, too," Naruto mentioned absently as she turned away from the ghost. "And Senju and Uchiha."

He was silent. _"_ _ _I'm so proud of my daughter. So many clans in one child!"__

"She had a threesome with my dad and a branch Hyuuga," Naruto deadpanned.

 _"_ _ _So proud!"__

Naruto just sighed and yawned.

 _"_ _ _Tomorrow we'll make sure your hair is red."__ He gave her a once-over. _"_ _ _And we'll start your training to become a true Uzumaki."__

Naruto accepted it as he faded away, not even realizing he really __was__ going to be there. He just needed to gather a little more chakra from the island in order to keep being there.

~:~

"Ow!" Naruto flinched away from the seamstress as she sewed. "Look, I get - ow - why you have to do this for formal - jeez! - occasions, but do you have to - damn it! - be so __rough?!"__

The seamstress glared up at her.

"Do you Uzumakis __always__ kidnap people with the vague promise of sending them back?"

"We did that to a monk," Naruto blurted.

The seamstress paused. "A monk?"

"There was a funeral." Naruto swallowed. "One of the Uzumakis kidnapped him. He was quite upset."

He'd also been a Guardian of the Fire Daimyo.

Kazama appeared, making the seamstress scream.

 _"_ _ _I had Miri set up an appointment with the Fire Daimyo,"__ he told her. _"_ _ _Seamstress, our apologies for kidnapping you. We don't have seamstresses yet. But if you would like to relocate here -"__

"Grandfather, as much as I __love__ you, __I'm__ the clan head," the irked teen said with a fake smile on her face. "And yeah, you wanna get paid a decent living, you can stay."

 _"_ _ _Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kinda forgot,"__ the sheepish ghost said. _"_ _ _Oh, and I found this seal. It brings out your dominant features."__

He showed her the ghostly rendition of the seal, and Naruto took out her sealing supplies. It seems that the Uzumaki really __did__ love sealing and even had a treasure room dedicated to sealing ink and paper.

The seamstress huffed.

 _"_ _ _Before I forget, the Wave Daimyo also asked to meet with you,"__ the dead man said. _"_ _ _So Miri decided that you'd meet them later."__

"When are the meetings?" The seamstress continued working.

She looked up at Kazama, who looked guilty.

 _"_ _ _Tomorrow night."__

The seamstress and Naruto paused in what they were doing.

 _"_ _ _...In Wave."__

"SOMEONE GET MORE TAILORS!"

"ON IT!" several Uzumakis called back.


	39. New Alliance

There was a buzz in the Elemental Nations. Especially from Kumo.

"I heard that half our tailors went missing last night," A commented. "Anyone know why?"

There were several bloody shinobi.

His __best.__

"Redheads?" offered up Darui.

Killer B didn't say anything. He was the only one who was unharmed... Him and Yugito, anyway. Which led him to a suspicion...

"Did you guys let them through?" one of his eyebrows twitched.

"No, bro. We fought, I lost," Killer B said in a rapping voice. "They got away, we'll get them back today."

That... Was not as bad as he thought it would be.

He sighed. "What kind of redheads? Where were they from?"

Yugito flicked her nails. "Probably from that island, in the direction that they came from."

A nodded. "I see." He bent his head over his paperwork, then froze again. And he turned his gaze to Yugito. And Killer B.

Neither of them seemed to get it. Some of the older shinobi in the room did.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

Yugito repeated, word for word, what she'd just said.

And for the first time in history, A paled.

"...we're so dead..."

~:~

The Fire Daimyo waited. It wasn't good for the Uzukage.

The door opened, and a young teen rushed in with several others. All but the teen in front had red hair.

"Sorry," the blonde in front said, holding her side and gasping for breath. "We... Had to get... Formal robes... Made in one night."

"I see." The Fire Daimyo sought the clan leader. "Which among you is the clan leader?"

An older-looking redhead smiled genially.

"Naruto-sama, the only blonde heiress, is our leader," he said. "Even though she is inexperienced, she alone has the right."

The blonde straightened. "I am Uzumaki Naruto," she said, changing into a formal stance, hands clasped behind her back. "My apologies for making you wait; I wasn't alerted to the meeting until yesterday night while I was getting fitted for my clothes."

A dirty look was thrown in the air.

"No, our ex-leader set the request up with me," the redhead who looked really nerdy said, pushing up her glasses. "I told Miri to make the meeting."

"Can we meet this ex-leader?" the Fire Daimyo was indeed interested.

"No," Naruto said flatly. "He died in the Second Shinobi World War. He's a ghost right now, and only Uzumaki can see him. Convenient," she said, shooting another dirty look at thin air.

They sat down, Naruto pulling out another chair and the Daimyos starting when the chair moved on its own accord.

"Sorry, but Kazama-sama wants to join the proceedings," the elderly Uzumaki said. "I am Uzumaki Chiota. This is Uzumaki Karin, Uzumaki Tayuya, Uzumaki Naruto (obviously), and Uzumaki Kikion with Uzumaki Kazama in the 'empty' chair."

"I am the Water Daimyo, Shiro Sikori," the effeminate male Daimyo said, leering slightly at the old Uzumaki. "Want to go on a date, hunk?"

"I'm over five hundred years old, sir," Chiota said.

There was a stunned silence.

"Unfortunately, I'm also probably the oldest living Uzumaki," he added. "Which is the only reason I'm here; Naruto needs someone to guide her. I will read over the contracts with Kazama-sama's help, and we will help her decide what is best. Ultimately, any decision made for the clan as a whole is, of course, up to the Uzukage and Queen. Usually, it is two separate people, but for now the responsibilities of the Uzumaki clan as Queen and Uzukage lies with Naruto."

Naruto smiled tightly at them.

And they began the proceedings. Missions, how they'd work with Uzushio being an island, a possible bridge being built... On and on it went.

Never ending. It was almost horrifying to all of them. Because the Uzumakis bickered about almost everything. But it was also very funny - and quite refreshing from the veiled barbs that came from __politics.__

"What about your alliance with other nations?" the Fire Daimyo asked, quite taken with this group.

"I plan to go to Suna," Naruto said after a moment of shared looks. "Suna is the only place that took no part in the destruction of my people."

"I see," nodded the man. "I hope that your country flourishes. I assume that your peace treaty with Konoha still exists?"

"Indeed, it does," Naruto replied firmly. "I plan on sending an Uzumaki-only clone. It is a technique that belongs to the Uzumaki alone."

Her obvious __don't ask me what I'm going on about__ was explicitly clear.

"Very well. I shall send a missive with you to Tsunade-san, if that's all right?"

The blonde leader nodded with a smile. "Next time you see me, I'll be a redhead~" she said in a sing-song tone.

The three groups bid each other goodbye, and when the Uzumakis meandered away, in the direction of Hi no Kuni, it was a runner sent by the Daimyo who had to tell them they were going in the wrong direction.

The Fire Daimyo had a meeting to arrange, and Lady Shinji had a cat to retrieve.

Kamis above he __hated__ that cat.

~:~

The Wind Daimyo summoned the new Kazekage. Sabaku no Kankuro looked grumpy as he stood in front of the Daimyo.

(Granted, it's not as if the Daimyo was all that pleasant to be around...)

"Yes, sir?" he asked respectfully.

A redhead in the court shifted, a bright smile appearing on her face. "Kankuro-san!"

He was glomped.

"Uh... Sorry, but who are you?"

The girl smelled faintly of... Salt.

"Kankuro-san! I can't believe you don't remember the mother of your child!"

Kankuro promptly choked on his own spit.

The girl was crying loudly.

"Sorry, but I think you have the wrong guy," he said, aware of Temari's snickering. "I've never slept with a redhead. And besides, where's the proof?"

"Standing over there! Own up to your actions!" the crying redhead shouted.

He looked. " _ _Gaara?!"__

He was eating... Ramen?!

"Is the boy really your child?" the Wind Daimyo asked.

"No, he's my runaway brother."

Gaara met his eyes.

"Hello, Kankuro. How could you abandon me with Mother?"

Then the crying redhead finally lifted her face, and Kankuro gaped. It was __Naruto,__ the gaki at the chuunin exams who had somehow found out that his father was dead.

"You!"

"So it __is__ your kid," Temari snorted, making Kankuro flush.

"I'M A VIRGIN, DAMMIT!"

Instantly, all traces of tears vanished as the redhead grinned at the Wind Daimyo.

"Told ya I could do it. Pay up!"

The Wind Daimyo changed, and there was a new person sit on the throne of the Wind Daimyo.

"That's a relief. Spending the rest of my years in this __genjutsu__ would have been dumb," the new Daimyo Temari had briefly spoken of in passing said (while Kankuro hadn't been paying a lick of attention). The new Daimyo of Wind folded her hands demurely across her lap, and so began the meeting.

~:~

"To frankly put it," Naruto said to Kankuro, "I'd like an alliance between Suna and Uzushiogakure."

"This has never happened," Kankuro frowned. "In the history of shinobi, there's only one clan and one village aligned to Uzushio."

"And we all know how that happened," Naruto said flatly, causing the other teen to wince. "Most of Uzushio in ruins, most of the clan dead. Only several children managed to survive. I'm not asking for an alliance in perpetuity. I'm simply asking you to consider an alliance so that we're not alone anymore."

"What of Konoha?"

"With Suna, Konoha, and Uzushio allied with each other, it's clear that Konoha will aid you with whatever you need. __Whatever,__ " Naruto repeated. "As will Uzushio. And in return, you and Konoha will help Uzushio, and you and Uzushio will help Konoha."

There had never been an alliance like this. It was always hostility, even with allied nations. But with this arrangement, three nations would rise to become better than the others.

"Very well," Kankuro said with a sigh. "Are we done? I'm exhausted."

"So am I," Naruto nodded. "Let's go chill. Tomorrow we can draw up the contracts."

The two retired to another room, where they chilled.

"How did your hair get red?"

"A seal," Naruto answered.

Oh.


	40. The Thread Guy

**Author: *Shifts nervously***

 **Inner!Author: *glares furiously* YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME.**

 **Author: Er. I actually had to mass update 'Changes', and I couldn't go through every chapter talking to you.**

 **Inner: YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME! I'M INSIDE YOUR FREAKIN' _MIND_ AND YOU _FORGOT_ ABOUT ME.**

 **Author: *nods* Yeap. Anywho... Don't own Naruto, I own my OCs.**

 **Inner: *lunges at Author* YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT! *pauses* Oh, and if you want to see Kiana as made by an app on angelslaugh's tablet, go to her blog, lolangez. blogspot. com. Remove the spaces. *returns to chasing Author***

 **Author: *flees***

 **~:~**

Not getting a break, Naruto was instantly whisked back to Konoha to talk with Tsunade, this time with Uzukage robes, and a very _public_ entrance.

The spiral that was on the back of every chuunin outfit and emblazoned on a LOT of Konoha's shops was a testament to the friendship that Uzushio had with Konoha, true. The swirl on the headbands was a pointed reference.

However, Naruto knew that Tsunade was still recovering from the losses of life from the invasion. Naruto was, too.

She never went back to the arena. It held too much grief.

Walking closer to the gates in official Uzukage robes, she knew she was garnering a _lot_ of interest.

"When can I quit being Uzukage again?" she whispered to Chiota.

"When you have a husband," he told her in a low voice. "And whoever that is, kami help him -"

She shot him a glare.

"- he'll be Uzukage, you'll be Queen."

"Great. So I have to wait a few more years." Naruto was disappointed.

"Well, you could set up a political marriage, say to Gaara-san, as he technically _does_ belong to Kaze no Kuni, and you could marry someone you actually love after. Speaking of Gaara-san, we might need to take a look at his seal. It does not feel stable," Chiota admitted to his adopted granddaughter. "And we should officially induct the rest of Nagato's Akatsuki into Uzushiogakure - it would help a -"

Just as Chiota was finishing his sentence, threads whipped through the air and latched themselves around the Uzumaki heiress' throat.

~:~

"The Uzumaki are late," Tsunade frowned. Jiraiya frowned, too, not expecting them to be late on their _official_ first meeting with the -

Resident sensor Nikima Tsuyano, also know as Frog, gasped.

"I think they're engaged in a fight!"

Tsunade took off.

Who cared if she wasn't technically supposed to leave the village? She'd be _damned_ if her granddaughter was going to die because -

No, she couldn't think like that.

She couldn't think that her granddaughter might die because they were being attacked by an unknown amount of persons. Uzumakis were natural sensors, and the only thing that got in the way of sensors was if the person in question had been following them for the whole time, long enough for one of the sensors to be fooled into thinking it was just a chakra residue. When large groups of Uzumaki were gathered, they were sure to cloud up sensors. Tsuyano hadn't been able to specify much more than 'they're fighting', which meant a lot because Tsuyano had ALWAYS trained on his sensing ability.

And just over the ridge, a man with threads was using them to hold a limp Naruto up in the air like a rag doll while fighting with his other hand, completely at ease.

Naruto had been completely _blindsided._

With a growl, Tsunade launched herself forward.

" _Sabaku Sousou!"_

Sand whipped up and caught at the man.

Naruto's eyes fluttered, and she took a minuscule breath.

"Magnet Style: Gold Dust Coffin!"

Gold dust exploded from the ground, covering the man currently trying to kill Naruto.

But just as it crunched down, the man exploded from the ball of gold dust and Naruto's eyes hardened.

"Mokuton: Great Impalement!"

Instantly, trees grew sharp and went to impale the man who was trying to kill her.

Naruto gasped.

Tsunade turned to her, but Naruto shook her head as she flew through other hand signs.

"Suiton: Water Drag-"

She was cut off by a single thread coming closer to her. She slapped it away on instinct, but was grabbed by the thread.

"If you want her to live, you'll stop whilst I question her," a deep, pissed voice said.

Naruto was restrained by a ton of threads and was yanked out of there.

Her curses could be heard, up until they cut off quite quickly.

Tsunade frowned. "What the hell?" Why was the man so familiar?

 _"Oh, shit!"_

All heads (except for the non-Uzumaki, that didn't have any Uzumaki blood in them) turned to the voice. It was a floating, see-through ghost of a man Tsunade had met before.

"Kazama-sama?"

 _"I'm dead, don't address me like I'm still head of the Uzumaki."_ The ghost had a troubled look on his face. _"I believe that was Kakuzu."_

 _Kakuzu._

"Please tell me you're joking," the Hokage said, her heart practically stopping.

 _"If I was, I would be alive,"_ Kazama said dryly.

 _Naruto had_ Kakuzu _on her tail. Which means..._

Her heart froze. Another reason she'd been running: Kakuzu had been after the necklace for _years._ After her grandfather died, he'd hunted her down and demanded it - she could never forget the look in his eyes when she'd told him that she didn't have it.

And then he'd let her live, but then he must have killed her brother who'd had the necklace. He must've been too late to get it, or it wouldn't have been given back to her by Orochimaru.

She grimaced. _Had Kakuzu orchestrated Dan's death, too? Damn._

Kakuzu was a sadistic man. And Naruto had the necklace.

~:~

Naruto glared at the man, who had restrained her quite well. The green crystal dangled from his fingers.

"Where did you get this?" he demanded.

"Fuck you!" she spat at him.

"Spirit. I like that."

He sighed.

"I will end you much faster if you told me."

Her eyes widened.

"I don't want to die!" she said, incredulous.

"What did you think was going to happen? You have the necklace," the green-eyed man said in apparent confusion.

"I don't know," the teen leader said. "I didn't think a necklace was something to _die_ for."

"It's not as if _I_ killed the last owners of the necklace," he scoffed. "That was someone else. This necklace is mine."

"Huh?" Naruto was _really_ confused. "Did he give it to you or something?"

"I rightfully bought it from the Uzumaki."

Naruto snorted.

He glared at her.

"What, did you pay for a hundred gold mines to give you their gold, then turn the necklace over for money?" she sniggered. "You should know that the necklace was given to Shodai-sama in order to contain the Kyuubi if it ever became necessary. Idiot. What's your name, anyway?"

"Kakuzu, Kyuubi."

Naruto glared at him.

"Don't do that, _Thread._ My name is _Na-ru-to._ Maelstrom!"

"Fishcake? Interesting name. You _are_ the Kyuubi, though, so I will address you as such."

"If I was the Kyuubi, which I'm not, I woulda killed you at this point, dickwad."


End file.
